Have any of you ever given up hope on finding love?

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[–]Jaded 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

Same about the unemployment angle. Plus I have to ask myself-- do I really want to attract the type of woman that is interested in dating someone unemployed?

[–]florasis 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

Don't get it. Do you want to meet a kind of woman who cares about your bank account, rather than just caring about you?

[–]Jaded 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It's not about the money, it's that it's possible for unemployment to be a red flag for underlying issues. Someone unemployed could just be between jobs or was part of a mass layoff at their company. But they could also be the type of person that's difficult to work with (so interpersonal issues), or has mental health issues that makes holding down a job impossible, or they could be a scrub looking to freeload off their partner. No job in and of itself isn't a dealbreaker, but it's important to be aware that it may be indicative of other issues.

So when I say that I'm probably not interested in the type of woman that would begin dating me while I was still unemployed, I mean I'm interested in a woman that's savvy enough to not be interested in someone with these issues. Barring some instant magnetic connection, if she's a woman with options, then she's probably going to pursue those other options instead.

And of course it's completely different if we're dating and then I lose my job, because sometimes that just happens.

[–]florasis 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh yeah, true, if the lack of job is related to a problematic character that could create problems in relations, that would be different.

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So when I say that I'm probably not interested in the type of woman that would begin dating me while I was still unemployed, I mean I'm interested in a woman that's savvy enough to not be interested in someone with these issues.

Nailed it.

[–]yayblueberries 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (8 children)

Yeah it is about bank accounts because being unemployed and not bringing in my own money can potentially be attractive to somebody who likes having power over others. I grew up in a household with a very controlling, abusive mother and one way she did that was financially and trying to not let me go to work. It was far easier for her to do that when I already didn't have a job. I don't need that to happen again.

Same with where I care about their and my bank accounts in the sense of, I also wouldn't really be too attracted to somebody not working unless I could begin to trust that they are just in a dip and not long-term unwilling to work and would try to mooch off my own finances/expect me to take care of her financially.

I have zero apologies for being very practical in relationships. They aren't just about romance/sex to me.

[–]florasis 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

In my house was the opposite, my mother dependent of my father. Yeah, financial independence is important, but I personally don't give a fuck about a girl work situation. If I had a wife, and she wanted to stay home, it would be fine. I'm going to make doctor money and without kids, I can support a partner.

[–]Jaded 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Housewife is fine if the partners are in a healthy relationship like with your parents. However I think the point she was making was that if an individual is an abuser, they may purposefully seek out someone unemployed or underemployed and try to make them as dependent as possible. It's a lot harder to leave an abusive situation if the abuser also controls all the money in the household.

Honestly though I would love to be a housewife if my future partner and I were able to afford it and they were okay with it

[–]florasis 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah, I know. But is that common with women? It seems more a traditional men behaviour, anyway.

[–]FluffyPotato 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Less common. That is usually with males--narcissistic chite lies on the XY chromosome.

[–]FluffyPotato 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Right. some women are narcs too.

[–]yayblueberries 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

That's nice, but I don't want a housewife, either. To me it is unacceptable to sit home and mooch off of your partner. I have struggled with money throughout my life, and have had to work entirely to support myself, it would be disrespectful to me for somebody to expect to be able to not work and live in my household. To me that is extreme laziness. Why not just go back to living with parents or being on welfare?

I just cannot believe in this sub my desire to not date when I am unemployed was up for negative judgment at all. There's no debate to even be had there, that's my personal choice. Just like it's your choice to be used for your money by somebody who wants to sit home all day doing nothing.

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah it is about bank accounts because being unemployed and not bringing in my own money can potentially be attractive to somebody who likes having power over others. I grew up in a household with a very controlling, abusive mother and one way she did that was financially and trying to not let me go to work.

I relate to this a lot, but never thought about it that way before. I would probably not even feel comfortable enough to begin dating someone, period, if I felt there was a chance of becoming trapped like that.

[–]yayblueberries 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes yes yes! I've also been concerned about issues such as, what if I end up making a lot more than her when I go back to work? What about my work hours? What if I work more than 40 or work an odd shift? These things seem like huge things in relationships and any one of them can even be a dealbreaker. I'd rather just be settled into a job and go from there.

[–]FluffyPotato 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I had this once.I started dating a woman who thought (she made soooo much more than me, and that, well that's a lot) and she just wanted me to go on vacation with her for a month, and she just could not wrap her brain around why not.

But that's the difference--wrapping your brain around someone having responsibility and still being there. I have neighbors, one wakes at 3 AM to go to work, the other goes to work at 3 PM. They always seem so happy holding hands outside, they have been together like 20 years. In the end, love is an ability, and an action, and a desire to make things happen.A choice.