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[–][deleted] 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I’m “femme” and had brutal dysphoria for years. Believe it or not, it’s not a butch thing, it can be an “any lesbian” thing, and mine was particularly bad because I have an hourglass type female body, a real stereotype. Even my face.

I was told I am “too pretty to be a dyke” and “don’t look like a man, so obviously you were not born gay” etc and it caused me a lot of distress as a young lesbian, especially since other lesbians liked women who were androgynous looking.

On top of that, feeling wrong as a woman with a woman instead of being a man like I grew up seeing. I wanted all of the female tells on my body to go away, not to be a “man” as much as not be a woman. And I had a hard time relating to feminine-beauty practices and clothes. Female stereotypical roles in general, especially the ones associated with shyness and modesty, even weakness. I am just not those things, I don’t have those qualities and didn’t. Everything I wore felt like drag. It STILL feels like drag. But masculine shit feels like drag too.

I think the dysphoria was from all of the ways I was failing to be a “proper” girl and then a “proper” woman, but looking SO “feminine” in my whole body and face. I had to just stop thinking about it

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I don’t think there are any super major butches doing any butch code stuff lately anyway.

    [–]carrotcake 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Oh i really identify with this

    [–]reluctant_commenter[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Thanks so much for sharing, I really appreciate it.

    Everything I wore felt like drag. It STILL feels like drag. But masculine shit feels like drag too.

    I REALLY relate to this. I always felt so uncomfortable for years, and still do, wearing dresses and skirts in particular. So uncomfortable, like a performance. I have heard the phrase "performing femininity" but it feels like that, viscerally. It's kind of hard to describe but it's been so consistent for me for years.

    Some masculine stuff makes me feel like that, too. But not all. I was thinking of trying to buy or try on more clothes from the men's section (before the pandemic hit anyway). I've never tried some stuff but always wanted to, like joggers. I'm sorry you still have the feeling that stuff you wear feels like drag, that sounds really frustrating. And very uncomfortable, if my experience is similar.

    I previously brushed off my discomfort with dresses and skirts as simply being due to a negative connotation, because I have gotten creepy sexual remarks from men while wearing dresses. But-- I am wondering if it is not so simple.

    [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Upon further thought, I guess feeling like everything is drag is not uncomfortable now, but that’s because I actually believe it’s just drag. What makes me more uncomfortable are people who feel their clothing etc is a representation of some kind of gender essence due to their sex. Clothes are just things we like for many reasons, and have more to do with our personal life experiences than any essential being.

    I’ve done a lot of meditation and it has led me to see many things as just ego layers. I wear mostly black. It’s not because I am some “essential goth” or punk or anything, it’s just easier to dress up or down with bits of colour, and it doesn’t overstimulate my eyes. I have some sentimental ties to it from my teens, and we wear black at work a lot on purpose. Also, other people make associations about our character and interests through clothing and I prefer to be noticed less for that. When you wear colour you have to make sure things coordinate and I don’t want to buy things to look good with everything. That’s too much time and money. Lol.

    I know what you mean about dresses. I don’t wear dresses much because i don’t feel like sitting like a “lady,” it’s uncomfortable for me, and I don’t like being objectified so I don’t wear boob revealing shirts etc. It’s not masculine to not wear specifically feminine clothing, as much as it is an avoidance of sheer discomfort and objectification, and wardrobe malfunctions. I move around a lot and don’t need my tits out or ass on display.

    One thing I do wear is lingerie. Most women are surprised to see what I have on under these clothes. Lol. If I have anything super “femme” about me, it’s bras and underwear FOR SURE. I like how they feel though, when they fit just right. Like being perfectly cradled. Many brands are specifically designed to fit different female bodies, and are very comfortable, so it’s almost like these things can be the most pro-woman garments out there. No one has to see it, only yourself and your partners. That’s what I like the most.