Why is it so hard for people to realize how harmful they are to us?

submitted by throwaway080808 from self.Lesbians

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[–]adultxhumanxfemale 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

If you find engaging with these """lesbians""" mentally harmful then just don't. You aren't required to turn them into sane, critical thinking people. Working on yourself by engaging in hobbies you enjoy, increasing your educational pursuits, and just generally focusing on yourself is a far better use of your time at this age when everything is so confusing and you're just trying to find your place in the world.

Life requires mental fortitude and lots of it. So why waste a single moment using finite energy on people who are definitely not worth it?

[–]throwaway080808[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Yeah you're right, I'll try to do that! Honestly the reason why it's so hard for me to just get over it is because I feel like many other lesbians are in this same situation but I can't help them and it burns me up. It's like I know people are suffering and I could do something but I don't know what to do. Anyways, this might be that I'm too empathetic.

Thanks for your message.

[–]reluctant_commenter 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Honestly the reason why it's so hard for me to just get over it is because I feel like many other lesbians are in this same situation but I can't help them and it burns me up.

I relate to this TON. I know it might seem like it's not a solution, but someone else mentioned hobbies, and honestly I think one of the best things we can do is work on ourselves and model the behavior we want to see in the world. I try to make progress on my goals, because I'm like: Where do I want to be when I am 30 and I look back on all this? Would I be pissed if my whole personal growth arc was slowed or negatively affected by wasting too much time arguing with deluded ideologues?

I am also very easily affected by people being negative so I am trying to just stick to supportive groups for now haha. Oh, and talking to my IRL friends about it a little, because I think that it's more likely to persuade them anyway.

[–]throwaway080808[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Glad to know you can relate. This is all great advice that I definitely need to apply to my life right now but it seems to take awhile to be like 'Ok, now I focus on myself only, I do me'. Still haven't taken this step but it will eventually happen for sure. At the moment, I'm practicing for the driving theory test in order to get my driving license in the future and I have many other projects so that's some great baby steps!

You're totally right and I know exactly where I want to be when I'm 30 so I should keep my energy to achieve my goals. Off-topic but I also appreciated that you said you're easily affected by negativity around you too because sometimes I feel like I'm exaggerating but I simply don't know how to stop being so sensitive. Anyways, thanks for your message!

[–]reluctant_commenter 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

That sounds like some awesome stuff you're working on! Good luck with the driving theory test.

but it seems to take awhile to be like 'Ok, now I focus on myself only, I do me'. Still haven't taken this step but it will eventually happen for sure.

I getcha. I like to think of it as a skill that I practice, rather than a feeling. I saw a quote recently along the lines of "Motivation is a drug, consistency is a choice" and I really relate to that.

Yeah, no I definitely am easily affected by negativity. For me, growing up, I had to be very quick at reading the room and I grew up in a very negative, hurtful family-- coupling that with having a lot of compassion and "what if this was me?" thoughts for people, and there you have it, lol.

I don't believe you're exaggerating-- or that it's a bad thing that you are very sensitive. I think that a) all your feelings are real and worth paying attention to and considering, and at the same time, b) that your feelings might not reflect reality. Acknowledging both of those at once helps me a lot, I think.

For example, say I see a post from a self-described lesbian about how lesbians must be okay with dick or they are transphobic. I would probably feel distress, and maybe start worrying about how awful I would feel if I felt compelled to say such a thing, as a lesbian. The person who said it must be hurting. But, in reality, I would have no idea if they were a real lesbian, a misguided straight woman claiming to be lesbian, or a transgender-identified man claiming to be a lesbian. The odds are, it's not worth it for me to engage with them, but that doesn't mean my own feelings about it are exaggerated or worth any less. Does that sorta make sense?

Sorry for the wall of text, lol. Hope that is helpful and not more confusing!

edit: I just want to add, I think being sensitive is a gift. I wish more people were more sensitive, they might be more thoughtful in their words and actions if they are. You don't have to change how you are, but you are worth the same sensitivity towards how something might affect you, as much as how it affects other people. :)

[–]throwaway080808[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Wow, you may be easily affected by negativity but you sure know how to bring positivity back! Thanks a lot for your kind message and your time, that's very sweet of you. I wish more people were as compassionate as you are, you're amazing. And I agree with you on everything, I actually had the same kind of reflection but you know, it's different when you hear it from somebody else? I feel like I'm talking to myself. Thanks again, you're probably the nicest person I've ever encountered on the Internet. Much love

[–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Aww, that's really sweet of you to say, shucks lol. Means a lot to me. Of course, no problem! If you want to talk more just message me. :) Yup I totally hear you, it does reinforce the idea a lot to hear it from someone else. Much love to you too, take care!

[–]CJLez 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Anyways, this might be that I'm too empathetic.

As someone who is a chronic helper/fixer - the saying 'you can't pour from an empty cup' is a good one for you to keep in mind. If you spend so much time helping people that you crash and burn yourself out you won't be able to help anyone. It's better to only do what you can (and if you need a 100% break from reaching out to people then that is fine) and then have the capacity to be there if someone really needs you.

[–]throwaway080808[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You're absolutely right, I'll try to remember that. Thanks!

Edit: Can I send you a DM to talk about that? I'd interested to know what you have to say.