When love hits like lightning

submitted by Ricky_Ticky from self.Lesbians

sorted by:
top
newinsightfulfun
you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

What if she really likes you not just as a friend but as a woman but the age difference is stopping her? In that age having a partner from the same generation gives a sense of security whereby being with somebody half your age can feel weird. After all she might think she is going to hold you back from building "normal" relations and starting a family

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

There is an age gap, but it's not like she's old enough to be my mom (unless she had gotten pregnant in the tenth grade). Since I'm in my 50s, the whole "starting a family" ship has sailed unless I go in the other direction age-wise and marry a woman in her 30s and we have a baby via a sperm donor (which would have been great 10-15 years ago, but I feel too old to do that now).

When I look at a possible relationship with this woman through an objective lens, the fact that she never had kids is something that goes in the "plus" column. (Her husband had two kids from his first marriage, but they were grown by the time he married her.)

I think she does get a sense of security from her boyfriend. She has known him since she was a little kid. She knew his family. They have a pool of friends* who all grew up together, went to the same schools, etc. I can't give her that.

*These are the friends who know that her boyfriend is her boyfriend.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Ah, I don't know why was I so convinced you guys had a big age gap :):) You don't and changes quite a lot. This woman knows you really like her, doesn't she? Even if you did your best to hide it, the other person usually feels this is more than just friendship from your side.

I remember you wrote that once you get a bit distant, she starts actively looking for your companionship. She does not want to lose you but she isn't making any moves either. For her it's a comfortable and beneficial situation but for you it isn't.

If I were you, I would strain the will and take distance from her for some time, even if it means not being actively involved in the charity that means so much to you. If she really misses you and wants to get closer, she knows where to find you. She probably needs time for herself to understand what she really feels for you.

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I never told her how I felt. And yes, I did my best to hide it, especially when her husband was alive. The way she told me about her boyfriend convinced me that she really doesn't know. We were at a major event with some other people from our organization, sitting next to each other in a huge auditorium. She started chatting casually about going somewhere with "my friend ____. Actually, he's my boyfriend. But don't tell anyone." Those were her exact words. She said this knowing that we would have to sit next to each other like that for the next four hours and neither one of us could leave. It just didn't seem to occur to her that I might feel hurt by the idea of her having a boyfriend. She is usually a cautious, overly anxious person who doesn't like to upset anyone, especially not in public. Since she is so very careful about who is allowed to know she has a boyfriend and obviously doesn't want any drama on that front, why would she then tell the one person who would be upset about it? Unless, of course, she had no clue that I had feelings for her. After she asked me not to tell anyone about the boyfriend, I automatically blurted out, "I won't." Then I changed the subject and did a VERY good job of pretending everything was fine. I repeated my performance the next few times I saw her.

Then Covid-19 hit, our group only met on Zoom, and I didn't see her in person until a couple of weeks ago, when we had an outdoor gathering. After not seeing her for four months, I found that my feelings for her were not as intense, but they're still there. I saw a lot of people for the first time in four months that day, so it was a surreal experience. Then it started to rain, and she dashed over to her car to get an umbrella. She came back with two-- one for her, and one for me.

As for her knowing where to find me, during the lockdown she friended my sister on Facebook. She has never met my sister. My sister is barely aware that this woman exists-- she just knows that I have a friend named ____ that I met at _____. My sister is also not the most social human being on the planet, so I am 100 percent sure that my crush sent out that friend request, not the other way around. I found out about it by accident when I was scrolling through my newsfeed. My reaction was, "Why is she doing this to me?" I still don't have an answer to that one. She has already seen everything on my own FB page (and I know for a fact that she has gone through it), so now she is keeping tabs on me via my sister's FB page? I don't know, but if a guy did that I'd find it kind of stalker-ish, TBH.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

You are really trapped in this situation. You can't make a move because she is not single. But she isn't doing much either on her side. Does she know that you are gay? If so, maybe you have some pictures on you fb with ladies, and now she thinks you are not single as well?

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I feel most trapped in this situation because of the Covid lockdown. We can't see each other much as friends, let alone as anything more. And there's no end to this in sight.

I never told her I was gay, but she has no reason to think I'm straight. If she has gone through my FB page as thoroughly as I think she has, then she has probably figured it out. Most of my FB pictures are of myself with family members, or of myself with people she knows. She's even in a couple of them. Most of the photos where I'm with friends she doesn't know are old ones-- like really old ones from the 80s and 90s. There's nothing I can think of that would make her suspect I'm not single. (Then again, there aren't any pictures of her boyfriend on her FB page, so she knows from firsthand experience that FB doesn't reveal everything about a person's relationship status.)

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

If I were you, I think I would not have the patience to wait for the problem to resolve itself. I would tell her that I like her and see what her reaction is. It doesn't really matter what she responds, I am sure you will see it in her eyes whether she likes you as a woman or just as a friend

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Having patience or not isn't a choice. This is the way life is right now, with this situation and with everything else in my world. If I do decide to tell her, I would rather be patient and wait until I can actually talk to her like a normal human being instead of standing six feet away from her and trying to discern her facial expressions through a mask.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Right, makes sense