I'm not suggesting that you totally remake yourself into a leather queen. But I'm wondering if you can adapt what you're doing more to contextual factors? Yes, it may be boring. But sometimes boring is a means to an end. (I have a career that most people think is boring, but it also pays really really well and gives me freedom in other areas.) Also, I'm not suggesting wholesale change, black vs. white, night vs. day. Rather, modulation, and careful assessment of what is really working for you.

I am a big advocate of distinguishing private from public self (or more accurately private and public selves). Strangers don't need to know everything about you. And I do know feminine men who are happily partnered. Probably you don't see role models because older feminine men are a bit more subtle. The sentiment you describe, "my boyfriend is becoming more fem and I'm not attracted to it", is an expression of immaturity. Mature relationships leave a lot of room for the other person to be who they are. My husband has some interests that most people would describe as feminine (also a few that some would describe as uber masculine). People are complex.

I don't think you're being selfish. I do think there may be an attachment to modalities that are not serving your larger interests. Am I advocating being "fake"? A little bit. We all wear masks. If you can accept this about human relationships, and can become secure in distinguishing the mask(s) from the core self, I think you will be able to have more control over your social reality.