You’ve been asking some awesome questions.
Thank you!

I’m like mostly A and it’s been eating away at me and something I want to work on. I’ve been really struggling lately. I have a deep aversion to vulnerability. I think it comes from having a narcissist for a mother who would use whatever she knew I was self-conscious about to hurt me. I haven’t spoken to her in years and yet I still have a fear of her finding out I’m gay. I do tend to try to hide my weaknesses and vulnerabilities from others. And being gay does make me feel vulnerable and I do hate that. On top of that I hate being associated with LGBTQ politics which I see as harmful to children and societally destructive. I came out in the LGBTQ era and quickly realized what the toxicity of gender identity politics. But effectively this means I never really got to experience pride. That I never got to be part of the gay community when it was welcoming to gay people and not overrun by fetishists and opportunists. I can understand why people throw themselves into pride. To wear your vulnerabilities like a shield of armor. I just want to be part of new institutions I can be proud of.

I’m moving to a very gay area soon to help be around more gay people. I already spend a lot of time there because my girlfriend lives there. I do think I need to do this as a first step even though it sounds counter-intuitive.l in terms of making me more comfortable being gay around straight people, particularly the ones I’ve known for a long time.