LifestyleHow to accept being a lesbian?

submitted by QueenOfTheNorthSuperLesbian from (self.LGBDropTheT)

I hope this sort of post is okay, I would try reddit but all lgbt nevermind lesbian spaces on there make me want to gouge my eyes out and this is the only sane spot I've discovered, so yeah. I'm 16 and have recently been struggling with my sexuality and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice.

I've recently realised I'm a lesbian and it has been the most alienating and lonely discovery about myself. I feel very disconnected to all of my girl friends and since a lot of bonding is usually about males, I now realise that the reason I can never talk about male crushes isn't because I haven't found the right one yet, it's because no boy is the right boy. I used to say to my friends in a joking manner that every boy in the school was unattractive to me and they'd laugh along and agree and then talk about their crushes, etc, but honestly the more I realise I'll never experience that the more those topics bore me.

I don't know any lesbian or bi girls my age, although I know plenty of the pan and nonbinary variety, so I feel like I can't relate to anyone because I don't buy into any of that stuff. To me, there's just gay, bisexual and straight and maybe asexual but that's it, the rest is made up because we're not creative enough to make a new emo. So right away, anyone "queer" I could relate to, I can't relate to, and my straight friends are incredibly boy crazy. It makes sense because at our age we're just discovering ourselves but it makes me feel so lonely.

I'll never be like everyone else, I'll never relate to 95% of the population who is opposite sex attracted, and it's so hard to accept. I'm a pretty average person in other areas but it feels like there's a huge divide between me and other girls now and looking back, I understand a lot of the alienation I experienced before my teen years. I was always dubbed weird for no reason, and I always had very intense female friendships with one girl at a time, I never dated a boy. Actually one time I agreed to date a boy for an hour as a dare when I was like 10 and it made me so uncomfortable I "broke up" with him ten minutes in. I don't even have anyone to talk to about how I'm feeling.

I've gathered enough evidence to know my parents fully expect me to have kids and think I'll change my mind and be a baby making housewife and my mom will be crushed by this and also won't believe me, or she'll take it as a personal failure. And it would be so much easier if I could just be normal. I'd have such an easier time relating to people socially, I don't know. Any words of wisdom?

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[–]reluctant_commenter 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

I almost could've written this post. I relate a ton to this. Like, a ton. I don't have any wise words, but you're not the only one, I promise. I'm also lesbian and not out to most people.

I was always dubbed weird for no reason, and I always had very intense female friendships with one girl at a time

Hahahahaha same here.

How to accept being a lesbian?

I also am looking for an answer to this question. I would love to be able to accept myself but I have so much shame and such a strong negative connotation around the idea of being same-sex-attracted.

I think part of the equation is just time. And challenging my own homophobia-inspired beliefs about what it "means" to be attracted to women as a woman. But beyond that, I don't know.

[–]our_team_is_winning 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

but I have so much shame and such a strong negative connotation around the idea of being same-sex-attracted.

That makes me sad to hear. I want to encourage women whenever I can.

Sometimes I think SSA is a higher stage of evolution. Seriously. I mean yes, humans would die out if nobody was mating, but certainly not everyone has to. And a large % of heterosexuals never have children, and some gay people do. But I think SSA can allow for more freedom, more independence, more of a non-conventional lifestyle, especially for women. (Not saying it's a requirement, or that straight people can't do that too.)

There should be no shame or negative feelings about looking at men and thinking "nah, that doesn't do it for me." Don't beat yourself up. The world has always been so down on women. We've got to stay strong. Sounds cliched, but I mean it. And it helps to find lesbian and bisexual women to admire too.

Like everyone here says, avoid the "genderspecials" -- they'll mess with your head. Stay based in reality and go forward.

[–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate the support.

We've got to stay strong. Sounds cliched, but I mean it.

I think you're right, and it's worth being reminded of. :)

[–]our_team_is_winning 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

The most important thing, and for teens this is hard, is not to care about what other people think. Don't let anyone push you in a direction you don't want to go in. At this point, they say half of younger females will never have children, so I don't think you need to worry about being the odd one out there. You don't owe your parents grandchildren.

This might sound insulting to guys, but be glad you're not wasting valuable time having a crush on some teen boy.

You need a place to meet other lesbians for support and maybe to find a gf too. Right now it's awful with the lockdowns and all.

And don't think of yourself as "abnormal." You're not. You're special. Young women's self-esteem is targeted from all directions. Don't let anyone make you feel "less" for not liking boys.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

At this point, they say half of younger females will never have children,

You should take a look at the experiment from the 60's called Universe 25. A group of rats were left to mate freely in a small, enclosed space, and by the time they hit 2,200 in population, their entire society had gone to shit. The males had turned into (basically human neckbeards, completely useless wastes of space) the females all hid away and stopped having kids and neglected the small batches they did accidentally have, letting them get lost and die. It's incredible how many parallels can be drawn between that experiment and the dystopia we live in today.

[–]our_team_is_winning 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Looking it up now. Confused if overpopulation and crowded conditions were the main problems? Because we don't necessarily see this in the most crowded cities in India or China. I'm not sure how the population density compares in Tokyo or Mexico City. I suppose you could claim we've seen this in NYC! Depending on the culture and the opportunities for women, I'd say many overcrowded places still have a high birthrate and the mothers are caring for their kids, not hiding away and leaving the kids to die of neglect. I'm thinking of the Palestinian territories for example. They're crowded and impoverished, but still have a high birthrate and try their best to cae for the kids.

But we have reached dystopia, for sure.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It wasn't exactly an overcrowding problem, because apparently the enclosure was meant to hold up to 3,000 mice. If you read this write-up about the study, it goes into the researcher's theories about what happened quite a bit.

https://www.victorpest.com/articles/what-humans-can-learn-from-calhouns-rodent-utopia

I really go back and forth on my own opinion about what the problem was. Was life too easy for them? Food and water is free and readily available, so is shelter. Did that do something to change them? Was it really the overcrowding? Was it the fact that their universe had a limit and they could not escape (this would drive me nuts for sure.) Did a giant man stepping in and out of their little city freak them out?

But the parallels between the "beautiful ones" (the ones that are hiding at home doing nothing) the females that refuse to have kids (I identify with this group) the males that hoard the nice living spaces (reminds me of the wealthy 1%) and the males that are just taking up space (reminds me of incels, neckbeards, fuckboys, and what Female Dating Strategy calls LVMs Low Value Men) it just makes me go ... huh... Am I just seeing the parts I want to see, or is there something here?

But, to add to your examples, Also the Syrian refugees. Many host countries are complaining that there is a population boom in the camps. They report that the women are trying to have as many kids as possible on purpose, one after the other. In some countries there are more child refugees than adult refugees because of this. They too get free food/water/shelter, and in many countries, cannot leave the refugee area. But their lifestyle is completely opposite results to the rats. (It's really creepy comparing refugees to rats, I'm sorry.)

And then there's (was) Kowloon Walled City, teeny tiny space, and people thrived. They could come and go as they pleased, and they had to earn a living, but they thrived. Japan, however, I'm reading about how less and less people are having sex at all, let alone kids, there are a lot of shut-ins (I forget the Japanese word for this, but there is a special word), NEETs, the birth rate is very low. People were blaming that on anime and porn. I have no clue what the real story is.

Interesting stuff to think about. I think the main problem is we don't have the complete set of info to come to a solid conclusion.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My advice is super-outdated probably, but when I was a teen all the LGBTOMGWTF!@+ people hung out in Drama Club. But that's probably filled with all the gender people now too, so probably a bad idea. There's always sports teams, I know it's a cliche/stereotype for a certain subset of lesbians to be sporty, but it's true (or it used to be true, IDK... Maybe it's not anymore?) Do you all even have sports teams and after school activities anymore? Corona's got me so confused. I hear the LGBT club (or GSA or whatever) is a complete shit-show now. Only the gender people go to it.

Anyway, that's all hearsay. The fact is, according to statistics, there should be at least 1 or 2 lesbians per 100 in your school, Let's say 3 out of 100 if you include the bisexuals. So they're out there, they're just hiding, or they're still confused and trying to figure themselves out.

Forget your parents. Mine wanted grandbabies too. I'm 41 and they're still waiting, LOL. A baby will never come out of this body. Fuck no. It's my body, not theirs. Your mother doesn't get to decide these things. You don't owe her anything. She chose to have a child. That doesn't mean she gets to choose for the child to have a child too. Let her be crushed, you will not be the one crushing her, she will be the one crushing herself.

Be very careful about who you reveal yourself to. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Your safety is the most important thing.

[–]usehername 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I almost never experienced opposite-sex attraction in school, so I can sort of relate. My college is science only, so there are no LGBTC (clown) or women's groups. I agree with you that women who only talk about men and have no other interests are extremely annoying. Plenty of people out there can relate to what you're saying, but we're rarely in contact with each other. Some of my family reacted similarly to your parents. Advice on that front: become financially independent. Start working now if you're not already, so you have something to put on your resume. Extracurriculars and volunteer work are also extremely important. Do a little of each, so you can show employers/colleges that you're a well-rounded person. Keep your grades up and apply for scholarships. Choose a degree that will make money. A lot of people complain about not being able to get a job after college, but then you check and they went to school for English/Liberal Arts/Social Work/Other Languages/Arts. Go into STEM if you want to make enough money to not live off your parents for the rest of your life.

[–]Rubyredpython 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This! All of this!

[–]Rubyredpython 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Like the poster above me said, please work on getting financially independent. If you're in the US, then you're either one or two years away from college/adulthood. Plan to go somewhere where you'll have a better chance at meeting other lesbians. Get a degree or go into a career field that will put food on the table and keep a roof over your head. It is isolating now because yes, this is the time where a lot of heterosexual girls are boy crazy, but maybe finding fun hobbies or activities might help you feel less isolated. Connect with others while doing a shared activity so maybe it'll lessen the opportunity for boy talk. I know that's probably difficult now too with everything going on with coronavirus. Just know that once you're an adult, your life can be what you make it and there are a lot of women out there just like you.

Also, you are normal. You're not weird or abnormal because you're SSA.