LifestyleHow to people tend to react to finding out you’re gay or bisexual? What about when you first came out?

submitted by yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" from self.LGBDropTheT

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[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

I don't "come out", I keep it secret so if anyone finds out, that's usually a bad sign in itself. However I am very androgynous so people tend to assume I am gay out of stereotypes.

Most people are very rude and they will not ask questions, but make sweeping assumptions like I'm "submissive" in sexual relationships to other men, or that I engage in certain sex acts.

Usually, my issue is pretending NOT to be gay. So it gets bad when I deny I am gay and then people say things like:

"But you LOOK gay, you're too girly to be straight" "But you give off bottom twink energy" (the fuck does that mean?) "But I'M gay and I have GAYDAR so I know you are gay and I can tell you are precisely 90% into males and 10% into females" (Yes, a guy really said this to me. And it is inaccurate too.) "Aww sweety you don't have to lie to me it's okay I accept you" (fuck off) "You have internalized homophobia" (also fuck off)

Basically a lot of mocking, fake positive, condescending crap that's a hundred times worse than "you're a sinner," they think they're soooo in touch with me and so woke by calling me shit like "bottom queen" or "twink" like it isn't offensive and talking about random "gay culture" references I know nothing about. And whats worse is that I never tell anyone, except my close friends, that I am gay. So they assuming based on LOOKS and that alone gives me a reason to keep it secret.

Plus it's absolutely no one's business, as far as I'm concerned this is a personal issue. I do not date men and I don't participate in "gay spaces" so I have nothing to gain from "coming out."

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries"[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I agree that it’s a personal issue and that we should be allowed to be as out or not as our as we want to be.

I totally agree with detesting the “Aww why didn’t you think you could tell me?!” reaction when people find out other than from me. It’s weird that people don’t get how invasive, self-centered, and infantilizing that feels. Again, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt in how I respond to an awkward initial reaction but it does bother me when people act entitled to know because they’re woke and “such good allies.” They forget we’re individuals with our own lives, wants, and needs. Not props to shine a light on how virtuous they are or for them to measure how gay we seem based on how much we adhere to their stereotypes.

[–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Again, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt in how I respond to an awkward initial reaction but it does bother me when people act entitled to know because they’re woke and “such good allies.”

Jesus, couldn't have said this better. It bothers me how this is used as a trope or as an example of "caring". For example, "I'm so hurt you didn't tell me!" from a "protective mother" is supposed to signal love. But when the emphasis is on that person's offense or hurt feelings at not being told, it's making the whole interaction about them. The only thing I take away from that is that that person has a severe inability to see the perspective of the gay person, or even just see them as a person.