[Vent] Vent about myself

submitted by iloveyou from self.GenderCritical

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[–]jelliknight 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Nightmares are unpleasant but they're important. It's your brains way of working through hypothetical or metaphorical scenarios so that you can figure out a good solution. The nightmares will likely continue until you find a course of action that makes you feel able to cope with that scenario. So when you wake up from a nightmare, think about what might have worked, what you could have done differently to get a different outcome. Hopefully, next time you have a nightmare you will automatically try the new plan. Your brain is trying to prepare you and protect you.

Afraid of sexism, what do you mean by that? Afraid of people thinking less of you because you're a woman, or afraid of being hurt?

Why are you afraid of men? What experiences have led you to feel this way? It's not irrational but I have a really great father, and now a good husband so I don't feel a generalized fear of men. Women who've had mostly very negative experiences with specific men tend to be the ones who have a general fear of all men. It's not irrational, it's your experience. But if you do have negative experiences in your history it's worth confronting them, because it is still making your daily life unpleasant.

You don't need to be afraid of being obsessed and irrational. You're aware of the possibility, so you'll check yourself. Being afraid of trans people specifically more than men is not irrational either.

That doesn't sound silly at all, it's very reasoned and impressively philosophical. You're correct, these are the foundations of who you are that can't be changed. Knowing where you stand is the first step to getting where you want to go.

Social pressure is hard for everyone, especially young people. You're very normal in this. Focus less on people and more on action. Think about what things you want to do in your life. Go mountain climbing? Learn to fix engines? Travel? Be around animals? Take a guess at a few things you might like and get involved in those activities in person. If you don't work out, pick something else. You've got plenty of time but start now on building a wonderful life. Contrary to what most people believe, self confidence doesn't come from affirmations and positive thinking (mostly) it comes from learning real practical skills that you know are valuable.

hanging out with people who are less certain than me that I am a woman, could make me feel less right.

I think you've got some internal work to do on learning where the boundaries between your feelings and other people's feelings are. Lots of us grow up in household where we're taught to mix them up, look after each other's feelings, base our feelings in theirs and so on. It's not very healthy. What someone else thinks you are shouldn't change what YOU think you are. It will take a bit of work and time to build up a solid idea of who you are.

You did so well digging deep here! That's level 1. Now you need a level 2 explanation: "I know i'm prone to absorbing other people's interests and wanting to fit in with them as well." Why do you think this is, and where did it start? Is it something you have control of? Obviously feeling like merely being exposed to someone else can change your fundamental nature is scary and unsettling. But how true is it? Are you more or less susceptible to influence than other people are, and how can you find out?

[–]iloveyou[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. Good idea about the dream. Usually, I can wake myself up. I will usually yell for help or something and then that wakes me up. So I'm not sure what else I would do in a situation like those. In real life perhaps I would try to find someone to group into if I could.

When I say I'm afraid of men, it's a very unusual fear. I feel diminished and a bit scared if a man uses a word like 'cupcake', 'sweetheart', 'love' or any other nickname. When women do those, I feel humiliated, but I don't think "red flag, retreat, step back". There's occasions where I will appreciate being called a sweet name like that, but this is for the general. However cute nicknames from men scare me. I am not sure why. I feel that for them to use them they must feel somehow superior, or showing intimacy I never gave them reason to think I reciprocated. In a man, intimacy not reciprocated could mean from making us not peers (I am not calling him cupcake, so that makes a hierarchy), to being stalked or something. I avoid any nicknames of the sort with anyone because I tend to associate them with condescendence. A child doesn't call her mother sweetheart, nor will she do it to her older sibling except jokingly. A mother can do that to the child though. If someone who isn't supposed to be my caretaker, mentor or close friend calls me that, they are establishing a hierarchy. It diminishes me and makes me feel powerless, excluded, and in the case of men, scared of second intentions and scared of boundary breaking.

Rationally, there is nothing to fear except if they are going to touch me or say inappropriate things. I am not saying when a man calls me that I jump to "is he going to touch me?", but I might just become more aware and attentive in the future, and less engaged to show my discomfort.

Afraid of sexism, what do you mean by that? Afraid of people thinking less of you because you're a woman, or afraid of being hurt?

Great question. I can't remember what I meant when I first typed that. One of the things that make me afraid of sexism is being taken less seriously in medical settings. Also people discussing about sexual assaults in the news - although they would most likely make fun of a man if he were the victim, that's also sexism because it's something of assuming men always want sex, or something. So maybe I'm afraid of being hurt, and of being thought less as well. Of being seen as lesser for not dressing 'girly'. Of jobs where you're required to dress a certain way (in most jobs even if there's no strict dress code, sometime there is one implied). Of being treated differently. Of someone assuming I'm 'cis' or 'nonbinary' when I don't identify with those labels, or a lesbian. Heck I've told people who called me 'tomboy' that I don't identify with that.

Why are you afraid of men? What experiences have led you to feel this way? (...) But if you do have negative experiences in your history it's worth confronting them, because it is still making your daily life unpleasant.

That's a complicated question. I love my dad. Like many parents he spanked me. Anger in men can easily escalate to rage and when it gets there, it's scary. It wasn't that bad, but I can remember vividly being afraid of him. He has broken boundaries when angry on accident or without realizing. He is stronger and he can do whatever he wants if he wants, which he doesn't. Men are stronger. I'm afraid of someone losing control. Although he has apologized and he regrets it, it's part of my history.

In relationships, I'm afraid that men won't understand me because I'm a woman. That they won't take something I feel seriously or be able to comfort me. I hate 'marriage jokes' that blame the wives, I don't like when they say men don't speak the language of women and are incapable of understanding them. I don't like when women play men, but I don't like when men play women and I don't like when either of the sexes generalizes the other. I don't like when things aren't taken seriously (friends get harassed in the workplace and no one lifts a finger that the costumers are eating them with their eyes). I don't like that I can't protect my friends and tell them to complain to her managers because they are supposed to protect them. I'm afraid of having me friends keeping being hurt by things like these, and I'm afraid of men doing the same to me.

I'm afraid of men when I walk alone in new places because they're stronger and they know I'm weaker; if they have ill intentions, they will prefer to assault me than a man.

In medical settings I can be 50% afraid of men, 40% afraid of women, and 10% not afraid for the ones that show to be trustworthy. I've been mistreated and heard horror stories. I'm afraid because I'm also afraid of speaking up if it happens again.

You don't need to be afraid of being obsessed and irrational. You're aware of the possibility, so you'll check yourself. Being afraid of trans people specifically more than men is not irrational either.

Yeah, you're probably right. They'll be stronger than me, at the very least. But personally it's more that I'm wary of someone who feels like they're performing. I won't be myself completely if I am with someone who I'm trying to figure out. Like if someone looks like they don't have an arm but you can't figure out if they do or not, your brain won't rest until it figures that out.

That doesn't sound silly at all, it's very reasoned and impressively philosophical. You're correct, these are the foundations of who you are that can't be changed. Knowing where you stand is the first step to getting where you want to go.

Thank you.

Focus less on people and more on action. Think about what things you want to do in your life. (...) Contrary to what most people believe, self confidence doesn't come from affirmations and positive thinking (mostly) it comes from learning real practical skills that you know are valuable.

This makes a lot of sense. I can't help but be wary of self-help books and stuff that encourage positive thinking only. They feel like lies and pats on the back. I am trying, but that's a slow process.

Seems like I typed too much so I'm making a continuation. Sorry for the long reply!

[–]iloveyou[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

/u/jelliknight

Now you need a level 2 explanation: "I know i'm prone to absorbing other people's interests and wanting to fit in with them as well." Why do you think this is, and where did it start? Is it something you have control of? Obviously feeling like merely being exposed to someone else can change your fundamental nature is scary and unsettling. But how true is it? Are you more or less susceptible to influence than other people are, and how can you find out?

I think this because of my experience. It's a thing of mine. It's not exactly bad. It's not just bad stuff. I'm ultimately interested in everything and anything, or at least most things. Some things I can't get into are cars, code, violence (in movies, including comedy movies that play with people smacking each other, horror movies, and shooting games). If I can do something or if I enjoy the process, I like it. (I like maths when I can learn and do it, but most times I get stuck). But I've gotten into hobbies that other people introduced to me. Such as cooking and games. Having someone else to share a hobby with can make the experience more pleasant.

I think I'm more susceptible to other people's influence because I have a very relativist thinking. I try to listen to people and find why they would think the things they do. I want to understand where they come from. But I also want them to listen to my view. I need to feel that they understand my point of view for the conversation to move forward. Sometimes I can be wary of other people's opinions because of their behaviour. But I still can't help but think they might have a foundation of truth. I establish a line on rule-breaking (especially in rules that I feel make sense). To break a rule, I will try first to get the permission and understanding of the people in charge. People who try to break rules without trying to have a conversation with the person in charge or a reasonable discussion with their peers to make sure they're doing the right decision, I'm wary of them. I think we should considerate other people's feelings and reasons. It's a necessary start. That might be that I try to be empathetic and notice the excluded and try to see everyone as a human who is very complex. So I am more influentiable because I will listen to people who I feel should listen to, because they've shown some sign: something they said in the past, or they're in a position of authority so that means they got there somehow, or they're just really nice to me and I like that and I like them so it makes me interested in their interests. "You are a mix of the 5 people closest to you" rings true again.

I might be influentiable also because I'm also insecure and afraid of hurting other people's feelings. Like most people I've been hurt before. Several times I had friends 'breaking up' with me. Or also because of wanting to belong. Have someone pressure me into drinking and I will stand my ground; have someone respectably hang out with me and never pressure, and if I admire them, I will want to try out whatever they are drinking too; to feel like I'm as cool, that I belong.

And while I'm more influentiable to other people, I am also very stubborn. I will die on the hill I stand for if I'm certain of something or strongly believe it has some fundament of truth. If people are jerks, don't want to listen, don't try to listen, or misunderstand my points (strawman, or something else), I will fight for finding the truth or doing the right thing. I will keep respecting them and trying not to hurt their feelings (like they do with mine by not listening to me). It really depends on the occasion, but if I have a feeling something is wrong I will report it, but try to do it peacefully. This'll happen more if I'm not the victim, but someone else. If it's not such a big deal, I might just follow the mob, but stubbornly refusing to agree with them until I forgive or learn that it wasn't that bad after all. If I will be clashing with someone who is my boss or something of the sort, that'll be harder.

I can have control over it; but I tend to need outside guidance. If I am wondering if I should report someone who mistreated me, I will need to vent and ask for advice, because I don't want to do the wrong thing and I need guidance and support and to know if I thought right. I have a hard time making decisions. There's a lot of pros and cons and I have this feeling I need to make the absolute rightest decision, that I don't want to regret it later or be wondering what would have happened if I picked the other one.

I think I have traits in common with autism, and this one is one of them. Feeling that I don't fit in is another. Absorbing other people I meet and am interested in and starting to fuse with them is another. I don't feel it impairs me to the point I'd want to make sure and have a diagnosis, but I wanted to share it because of the question if I control it or not.

Are you more or less susceptible to influence than other people are, and how can you find out?

Honestly, I don't know how I can find out. That's a very insightful question.

Thanks a lot, and sorry for the long reply!

[–]jelliknight 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm ultimately interested in everything and anything, or at least most things.

That's awesome. Me too, I get really deep into things. Btw if you have trouble with some maths, Khan Academy has good resources.

I want to understand where they come from. I still can't help but think they might have a foundation of truth.

This is great! You sound like a budding philosopher! My personal motto is "everyone has something to teach you, even if it's just a scone recipe." Some of the best information or perspectives comes from the most unexpected sources. E.g. on coding, I feel like learning weaving has taught me more about computer coding than anything else (I could never get into coding either, it just seems so abstract, but in weaving the strings take binary position, up or down, and they're grouped in multiples of 4, 8, 16 or 32. changing the sequence changes the pattern that shows up, and you can control the strings with punch cards. Looms were the first computers).

My personal rule on rule-breaking (taught to me by my father) is that you can break any rule as long as you know for sure exactly why the rule is there.

I don't think you're as easily influenced as you think you are. You're adaptable, willing to learn, willing to listen, willing to experiment and try things. If anything that makes you resilient to influence. When you listen to all different opinions, it's going to be hard for anyone to force you or trick you into any particular one. For example, since you've been here no one will be able to convince you that "TERFs are evil and want trans people to die" whereas a lot of people your age wouldn't even come here, so they can be easily convinced of something that isn't true.

If I am wondering if I should report someone who mistreated me, I will need to vent and ask for advice, because I don't want to do the wrong thing and I need guidance and support and to know if I thought right.

this is totally normal. We often call our most trusted people in similar situations for guidance. I'm 31 and I ask my friends for guidance on situations all the time and they ask me. Because we can make mistakes and misinterpret things and it's good to get an outside perspective. It doesn't make you weak or easily influenced. Again, it makes you less likely to be influenced because if you're in doubt you'll check.

I am exactly the same with decisions. I put a lot of effort into checking things out, checking and weighing every options. On the one hand it means that i never regret my choices because i know for sure that they were the right ones, but it's also exhausting. I'm getting better at letting go of things that don't matter as much but it's ok for you to want to consider everything before choosing.

Honestly, at 31 I'm staring to wonder if I have some degree of Autism too. I vibe with pretty much everything you've said, and I've noticed a few other things that people now tell me aren't actually normal. But I don't think it matters. If I do have it I'm high-functioning enough that it's barely noticeable. It doesn't matter if you are autistic or not, you are in control of your mind and your thoughts.

You seem like a really cool person. Genuinely, I think I'd really like to hang out with you. I don't think you need to be afraid of yourself. Follow your mind and your heart and your courage wherever it leads you. You're going to do great things!

[–]iloveyou[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks about Khan Academy! I didn't know it! It's free, right? I've created an account and I can't wait to try it. Thank you so much.

This is great! You sound like a budding philosopher!

Oh boy, thanks, I'm so flattered haha By the way, do you do weaving then?

My personal rule on rule-breaking (taught to me by my father) is that you can break any rule as long as you know for sure exactly why the rule is there.

Step 2 is finding out why to break the rule and how. But I'm super agreeing with your father. I think that makes a lot of sense.

I don't think you're as easily influenced as you think you are. You're adaptable, willing to learn, willing to listen, willing to experiment and try things. If anything that makes you resilient to influence. When you listen to all different opinions, it's going to be hard for anyone to force you or trick you into any particular one.

I guess you're right. But I am very anxious so I can get really afraid. I believe that I'm weak. It's true that thoughts aren't actions though. When I think things, they feel real. When I consider them and imagine them, it feels real. Thoughts turn into feelings more than into actions. I am weak in that I victimize myself but I am smart and I know exactly what I'm doing. Just want to keep doing it... I don't know why. I can realize that I'm self-sabotaging and still do it. But you're right that I am not so influentiable. Well, I mean, sort of. I'm not when I don't love the people who are influencing me. But I want to belong so I want to be more like some people. If my friends do more dirty jokes, I want to be in as well. I will make more dirty jokes (even if much less than them; but I'll still be prone to feel bad if they make one that crosses my boundaries... which is stupid I know. But I won't want to stop hanging out with them. and then I don't belong again...)

Honestly, at 31 I'm staring to wonder if I have some degree of Autism too. I vibe with pretty much everything you've said, and I've noticed a few other things that people now tell me aren't actually normal.

You know, I got that vibe when in a previous reply you talked about having short hair and it being uncomfortable for you. I don't hear a lot of people say their hair is uncomfortable. I'm the only one that I know in real life. Not that I'm asking others and boasting about it. But for instance some people put their masks on their necks sometimes even if for a moment. And I've tried doing that (in streets with no one of course) and it itches me a lot, it's uncomfortable, it tickles. The people I see complaining about hair in the internet... are in autistic forums, for the most part. Although there's other conditions that cause lots of sensivity.

It's good to talk to you. I'm really glad to know you feel that way about me.

I have a mind and a heart who are overthinkers :) I'm learning slowly about who I want to be. I don't want to be old and regret my choices, but then again who wants to be old and regret the lack of choices.