I need some help

submitted by FearfulFriend from self.GenderCritical

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[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Having a few days to process has been vital--I appreciate everyone here and the two people IRL as well (the mutual friend who mediated between us and the friend from another social circle who privately admitted to me that he doesn't understand gender identity either).

I think separating my friendship from my views on gender, sex, and society in general is important. She's a unique person, not a representative of women with gender dysphoria. And we have a long friendship with an established pattern of interactions. Given my knowledge of her, I think there's a solid 50/50 chance she will desist. The more supportive I am of her transition, the more likely she will lose interest in it. On the other hand, if I support her transition and she doesn't lose interest and desist, it will still help both of us feel connected, and I don't actually have to change my general views just because of her. I think it's going to be okay. I hope. At least I haven't cried in 24 hours and that's something.

[–]BEB 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

That's great - glad you've been able to resolve some of this in your own head and that you have a friend who can mediate if further misunderstandings arise!

Also glad you have a friend to talk to about your misgivings regarding gender ideology.

And that you've stopped crying. You are not alone - many people (I read 1/3) are suffering from depression because of the pandemic, so I hope that you give yourself a break with all that's going on in your life!

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

The friend who's mediating will, long term, side against me if negotiations break down. That is one of the reasons I was crying. She's mostly staying neutral at the moment because she's also been divorced and knows how badly it can freak a person out. But even at that, she's done me a huge favor just buying me some time, reassuring my other friend of my support and explaining that I'm too overwhelmed by other things to engage at the moment. It really is a huge favor whether it works out in the long run or not.

Anyway. The friend who's transitioning, taken as a unique individual whom I've known for a long time, likes to reinvent herself. She tends to completely take on the lifestyles and beliefs of the people she spends the most time with (in this case, it's young adults). She will completely devote herself to whatever idea/lifestyle/group she's in, then something will happen and she will break away from it and go back to "normal" for a while before reinventing herself another way. Most of the time, she retains whatever bit of the prior lifestyle she truly liked; or, sometimes, she rejects it for a while but then comes back around and re-adopts the part she truly liked. I am one of the things she always comes back to. She doesn't like when I "mother" her, which I stopped doing a long time ago anyway, but sometimes it does resemble the kind of relationship where a kid thinks something is cool until he sees his mom doing it and then nevermind. So I could totally see her going all in to the man thing and actually coming out of it sooner the more supportive of it I am. Then retaining whatever part she really liked, feeling OK about acting more assertive or whatever it is. OTOH, I've learned not to get attached to outcomes. Maybe she'll stay a man and I'll get used to the pronouns and she'll appreciate the effort and stay out of the inside of my mind. I can live with that. The worst-case scenario of being outed as gender-critical and rejected by everyone still scares me, but it's no longer the most likely scenario in my mind.

As for my friend who admitted to me that he too questions gender ideology, yeah, I realize it would be pretty cool to know people IRL who don't even have to really be GC but have just not totally swallowed QT. Maybe there are more people in my life who are afraid to question out loud.

[–]BEB 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I have friends and family who will literally do the opposite of what they think people want them to do, so your theory about going all in on the support making her pull out sooner might be right.

I must be really lucky (or just old) but there is no one I don't feel comfortable being openly GC around. I think it's the old part: as another poster on here said, 2nd Wave feminism inoculated a lot of us oldies against Queer Theory.

But I bring up the gender ideology issue constantly in interactions with strangers, now because of COVID, over the phone, and only politicians' offices seem to be supportive.

Most normal people in the US, in my experience, have just begun to notice that something is off, and, far from buying gender ideology, seem to think it's one of those crazy fads that will fade.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

When do you bring up gender ideology with strangers over the phone? Is it part of your job?

I must be caught in the middle age-wise, old enough to wonder how something that just got invented five minutes ago has suddenly become mandatory, but young enough that most of the people I know are going along with it. I mean I WANT everyone to be safe from violence and be treated fairly in housing/jobs/education/healthcare and not be discriminated against based on how they look, which was what I thought this was right up until Trump's inauguration brought the insanity out of the woodwork. Well! Time to go downtown wearing a pussy hat and waving around a copy of Harry Potter and seeing who gets more triggered, the conservatives or the liberals. :/

[–]BEB 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

No, it's not part of my job ;-) I'm just a naturally chatty person and somehow find a way to work the horrors of gender ideology into conversations.

Based on what you've said, I think you are at the age where some of your contemporaries have been swept in by gender ideology and some haven't.

I think we all want transgenders to have every human and civil right and to have an equal shot at happiness as everyone else. They just can't take ours.

I guess you didn't hear that pussy hats were banned from some Women's Marches not because of conservatives but because transgender activists said that a pink hat with cat ears were, wait for it... TRANSPHOBIC. So both your Harry Potter book and your pussy hat would trigger them, but do it anyway!

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

yes, the women's march/pussy hat/transphobia thing was what peaked me. "Wait, there are people with penises telling people with vaginas what to do. Where...have I heard that before...? OMG MIND BLOWN"

[–]BEB 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I heard a female professor (Georgetown?) being interviewed about the first Women's March and in her opinion it was an expression of pure pent-up rage on the part of women. Like Trump's remark was the last straw for millions of women who'd spent a lifetime putting up with being harassed and condescended to by men and so the Women's March was kind of a primal, communal scream.

And then the trans activists had to take it over and now it's lost just about all the steam...