How the social role of being a wife makes women depressed

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[–][deleted]  (4 children)

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    [–]Girlwiththeraventat 24 insightful - 1 fun24 insightful - 0 fun25 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

    Yes this is my life and its depressing as hell. I work a full time job, have a elementary age child and I'm going to college part time. But I'm still expected to clean the house, make the food, and take full care of the child. Meanwhile my husband thinks because he works a job that pays more, that's his only responsibility.

    We have had argument after argument that I need more help around the house. Which pisses me off that it should even be considered "help". Its his house too. His excuse is men can't see the mess and it's not mens fault that women wanted to leave the house and get jobs.

    So I either keep arguing about the same shit we've been arguing about for 10 years, accept that I am responsible for everything and everyone, or divorce him. If we do ever get divorced, I won't date or remarry. Theres just nothing in it for women.

    [–]our_team_is_winning 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    I want to thank you for being so honest. I am in awe of you for all your hard work, and I'm impressed you're getting some college in too.
    Playing devil's advocate: You got to have a child. You have someone to share the bills with. I presume there are a lot of times when you know he loves you. Do you really think "there's just nothing in it for women" or just with this particular guy (who might be typical of most men, sadly)? The internet is awash with women posting about "my Dear Husband" and it makes me think I really missed out on something great -- is marriage ever a "win" for a woman? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Disclosure: I never married but I have always romanticized the idea of marriage, despite what I saw at home growing up.

    [–]Girlwiththeraventat 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    He does love me. I love him and our family and life we have made for ourselves. Because a lot of it did come from his hard work. I will always love and respect him because of how he stuck by me through everything and worked his absolute ass off to provide for us. Hes also a good dad.

    But being responsible for everything makes me deeply unhappy. But also saying I want a divorce because he doesn't do housework or worry about the administrative parts of life seems so petty.

    Is there anything in marriage for women? I dont know. It's hard to say and even harder to know what the future will hold. Our relationship wasnt always unequal that way. But then we had a kid and I stayed home. So I did all the housework and whatnot. When I went back to work I kept all the housework and added a job. I'm telling you that so you will understand it wasn't always like this. Life is complicated and I guess that answer is something every women has to decide for herself.

    [–]emptiedriver 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    This is so true. After having the kid... everything changes. Not immediately and not in every way, but, you become a mom and he becomes a dad, and those are so much more "roles" than just male and female. It's easier to be sort of equal and break through typical expectations when it's just the two of you, but a kid adds expectations, needs, a whole new set of perspectives, and some of the basic behaviors are just initially set a certain way.

    Like, one of you is going to be more physically weakened by being pregnant, even if you were the athlete before this. One of you is going to be getting up more often to feed a kid, even if you switch to formula (which of course you mustn't do). And then once a kid starts responding to you in the park or the playground, you will be having a different kind of relationship, and a different set of options with other parents or school administrations, and structures start to seem harder to get around than they did when you were young and free. And maybe his good dad-ness shows up more as taking the kid out to play, joking around, and being better at discipline, while you focus more on teaching, talking about emotions, or setting up art projects, and suddenly you're both good parents but living stereotypes.. whether you're encouraged by advice and social norms or personal tendencies, if it happens at all you lean into your gender roles more than before.

    You get more time off from work, more social allowance to depend on him after having a kid, while he becomes more openly recognized as a producer and a provider... Roles just get reinforced more regularly. It's so much easier to fall into them, and once a child goes to school...