Why are there so many people who call themselves queer but date heterosexually?

submitted by veruscka8 from (self.GenderCritical)

I’ve noticed a ton of people lately (usually in their 20s/early 30s and politically left) who identify as queer but seem to only date/have relationships with people of the opposite sex. I had always thought queer = homosexual or maybe bisexual. Are people just uncomfortable identifying as hetero now because it’s associated with privilege and oppression?

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[–]Finnegan7921 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

b/c it's trendy to have a "gender identity" that isn't straight or gay. Those are so lame. The "queer" people who only date the opposite sex are straight, but that gets you no points in the Game of Life, Woke Edition. It's probably in the twitter and insta bios..."25, M, queer.." scroll down and he's been with the same "queer" girl for the past three years. Yeah, they're not performative, not at all.

[–]DarthVelma 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Because actual gay and lesbian people who have had that word thrown at them as an epithet (or worse, while they were getting the shit kicked out of them) don't fucking call themselves queer.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

I really hate these kinds of posts. These posts are always the same: I know people who are bisexual and they ONLY date men! I mean, honestly, who are you criticizing? Women, that's who. You are never complaining about the bisexual guy, it is always about the bisexual woman.

[–]veruscka8[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I‘m not criticizing anyone, sorry if it seemed that way. I’ve met men who identify as queer who only date women, it’s definitely not just women.

[–]Diversity_Racket 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You don't need to apologize. Your post was not malicious/critical at all.

Your last sentence is pretty spot on. In my experience, queer is all about "heteronormative" people (both men and women) trying to make themselves feel special. These are often the same people who are trans apologists and have deep seated self-loathing issues.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm sorry I came off hostile, that was not my intent. I am in the middle of a response with someone else in another post who was being judgmental over an old college gal pal who came out as bisexual while being engaged to the man they dated since high school. It is definitely a reoccurring complaint among some of the women here and r/GC, and it mostly targets women who are bisexual.

[–]BrendaFricker 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If someone is bisexual, there are more potential opposite sex partners than same sex partners, because most people are straight. So it is to be expected that most bi people who end up with some of the opposite sex.

[–]Sebell 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Queer sometimes means "gender non confirming" - so what OP is describing is correct - there are heterosexual "Queer" people.

[–]uhhuhher 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think your last sentence answers your question. I know some bisexual people who comfortably identify as queer, but mostly it's just straight people who identify as nonbinary, and so don't want to label their relationship as straight because that would imply they were just a man and a woman and not whatever other identity they have adopted. And most of these NB people are into vaguely left politics and are young enough that most of their friend group will be used to this terminology and will accommodate them.

[–]materialrealityplz 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Everyone is basically queer and non-binary now, lmao, the terms have been stretched so wide.

[–]Camberian 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

AFAIK queer encompasses way more than gay, lesbian and bisexual. As I understand this, this these days includes asexuals, aromantics, pansexuals, demisexuals and polys.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

I've made the social brownie points system point too many times here, and I'm sure that people who read my shit are tired of seeing it. It's a social shield for some in a time where people want to feel special and necessary to keep fitting in with their peers.

I looked up the term (I'll be able to feel y'all in collective cringe for this) and honestly, by those defining factors, I would be queer too. I don't feel like having an occasional nonromantic girl crush puts me in a category hard enough to take away attention from the LGB community, much like I'm not going to talk about the frustrations of frizzy waves in a black women predominant space for curly hair. It's not right to try to gain attention within a community for so little, when there are people suffering from actual social issues regarding their sexuality. Barring the actual queer folks, there's a lot of taking advantage of the open system here.

The fact that being demisexual has its own category is baffling. The innocent part of me always thought there needed to be a good connection first for exposing bits and flopping around all over the place in front of another person. Y'all, I can't imagine having a stranger's sweaty ass genitals in my mouth without at least some kind of deeper connection.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

As I understand, demisexual is when you only experience sexual attraction after forming a deep bond with the person, typically through friendship or whatever. This is not the same as saying that you don't want to do sexual stuff until you have a deeper connection. If you are turned on by, or sexually attracted to someone before having a deep bond with them, then you are not demisexual- even if you want to wait for a deeper connection before having their sweaty ass genitals in your mouth.

Some common traits among demisexuals: physical appearances don't seem to matter much, if at all (you wouldn't look at someone and be like, daaaammnnnn they're hot), you are attracted to personalities not looks, most relationships start as friendships (else you would start off dating someone you weren't sexually attracted to).

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm trying to look into this now while chicken thaws to understand a little better. I see information on asexuality.org forums discussing attractions and the differences between them. Notably physical attraction seems to differ from sexual attraction in that you can appreciate someone's physical traits, but it doesn't mean an automatic arousal or even later response to them in a sexual way.

I don't know that I've ever felt immediate feelings of arousal or a desire for physical contact with someone til I've had time to obsess about stuff they're interested in and get to know them pretty well. I usually end up focused on individual parts that are pretty, like eyes or freckles or hands and even the way that they move their hands when they're expressing themselves.

Anyway, this isn't about me and I'm sorry for the digression. I just wanted to explain myself better.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's alright. I was just explaining what I have been told on the subject. There are some women who will claim that demisexuality is what all women experience. This gives the impression that they think that women are incapable of feeling sexual attraction without developing a bond, which kind of dismisses the experiences of other women, such as one of my friends who gets turned on by looking at attractive topless men in magazines.

[–]Camberian 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It probably also depends from which side of the pond you are.

I can easily see, why e.g. someone who is asexual or someone who is polyamorous considers himself or herself queer. These people get pretty much the same shitty treatment by heteronormative people as gays, lesbians and bisexuals do. And they are definitely looked at as being queer in the old sense of the word over here.

[–]Shinjin_Nana 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Because Pride was so successful at making gay 'cool' that everyone and their straight brother wants a seat at the table. XD

[–]Lizzythelezzo 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think a lot of bisexual women use "queer" to put off unicorn hunters on dating apps. I've also seen a lot of women use it to denote "bi but prefer women" though YMMV.