I wish I could find a woman friend who doesn't want to fuck me

submitted by [deleted] from (self.whatever)

I know, first world Chad problems. There's not much sympathy out there for us in the forever alone internet.

I think someone likes me for me... Nope, they like me cause I make their bits tingle.

I was gonna ask Jet if she wanted to be my platonic friend, but I thought that'd be weird, so I just posted this instead.

I blame vodka if there are any formal charges.

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[–]hennaojichan 3 insightful - 6 fun3 insightful - 5 fun4 insightful - 6 fun -  (14 children)

I used to be friends with a girl like that, but once in a while she would give me vodka...some pills, and I'd wake up not knowing what happened. Then, I'd begin to realize she had taken advantage of me...but she'd force me to take more pills and vodka so soon I wouldn't know where the hell I was. I wonder what happened to her.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 5 fun2 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 5 fun -  (13 children)

Did we have the same ex gf?

[–]hennaojichan 3 insightful - 5 fun3 insightful - 4 fun4 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

I think so. She really got around.

[–]Noam_Chomsky 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (11 children)

I'd begin to realize she had taken advantage of me...but then she'd force me to take more pills and vodka

Did she discover pills and vodka were like spinach for your Popeye?

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 3 fun1 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 3 fun -  (10 children)

My ex fucked me when I was passed out. I wouldn't really mind except I was with someone else. Also, I was 17 and she was 36 but that's legal here.

[–]Noam_Chomsky 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

My ex fucked me when I was passed out.

Wat?

I can only come up with a few plausible ways this could happen.

  • An alcohol-induced topor compelled you to rigorously and repeatably pantomime the spelling the alphabet?
    (Possible.)

  • Your ex could be described as a modern 'woman'; with a pud...
    (Possible... Tragically...)

I was 17 and she was 36 but that's legal here.

  • You were an elite nocturnal ejaculator, with the stamina of a clydesdale.
    (Plausible, LEGENDARY)

  • You had an inflatable penile prosthetic.
    (Plausible, Legend... ary/Tragic?, Certainly tragic)

That's it for possibilities.

Alternative scenarios are inconceivable, and are therefore beyond consideration.

Regardless of the truth. You should stick to the third possibility.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

As much as I want to go with the legendary option, I think it was just morning wood she took advantage of for a bit till it woke me up.

[–]Noam_Chomsky 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I think it was just morning wood

I was thinking you might shatter our perceptions of you, and confess that you were pegged.

Jk bro! ;-)

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 4 fun4 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 4 fun -  (6 children)

I'm saving my asshole for prison.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (5 children)

NO PORN ALLOWED.

[–]Noam_Chomsky 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

You're probably not saving yours.

[–]JasonCarswellMental Orgy 3 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

99 problems and they all hoes - narc it is.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

I wish I could find a man friend who doesn't want to fuck me ~wonderwoman

[–]jet199Instigatrix 3 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Mate, I'm already your friend.

I just don't do small talk.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

A good woman is easy to spot, but hard to find.

It's impossibe to understand these 3: women, fish and weather.

(Not that I believe these old comments....)

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

We're conditioned to think men and women can't be friends with each other, that they are entirely seperate and that the only reason they'd ever interact with each other is for sexual reasons.

So they naturally assume that you talking to them is hitting on them.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

That's what I used to think too. Now I'm not so sure. There's a cost to maintain relationships, it doesn't make sense to do if it doesn't benefit at least one party. The most primal benefit is sex, it's hard to avoid that.

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

People of the same sex have no trouble being friends though, with no sex involved.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You never heard a woman say "I don't get along with other women?" I think that's more common than not.

I guess I don't have any friends left besides online. It gets hard when you get older. When you're young you're forced into school together and might as well have some company. Later there's work friends.... Family, the wife. That's it.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

you can be just friends with a woman but not if she's hot

[–]aaarrgh 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

I have such a woman, but I don't share her with others. Sorry.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 4 fun1 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Well... if you find a spare send her my way.

[–]blackpoop321 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

It wouldnt be so bad if they weren't full of nigger diseases

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Oh shit, I'm glad I wasn't drinking when I read that.

[–]IkeConn 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Chadism can last up to 50 or 55 years then it drops off. I promise you at some point you'll find women friends that are so dried up they can't fuck you anymore. You won't degrade into a beta you'll just degrade.

[–]signuporlogin 1 insightful - 3 fun1 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Just get married.