I have a sense that we tend to lose that wonder and degree of emotional connection to the world as we grow out of childhood. I remember all the things you describe as you say, much more emotional and vivid when I was new.

See, women get to keep it their whole lives. Most of them anyway, unless they get really high testosterone or have other complications. We lose it because its only purpose is for personal well-being, and the male is reformed to be purely utilitarian. Most men embrace it because most humans are brainwashed, but I persisted. That's good because I'm awake, but also bad because I'm consciously aware of my misfortune.

This is the autism? Having that kind of reaction has got to be annoying, in and of itself.

This is the result of male puberty.

When you say "I'm being developed for", you're referring to the physical changes your body is undergoing, right? At first I thought you meant your 'handlers' were trying to force you in that direction.

Mostly mental ones, but the physical ones annoy me too. It's updating everything else but my inner self is somehow immune to maturing, and the new stuff doesn't match me.

What do you think about reading? I'm wondering if being handed the emotions you're supposed to feel (as videos tend to do) might be subtracting from your ability to have your own natural emotions? Somewhat similar to the way certain drugs mimic substances naturally created in the body, and diminish your capacity to create those on your own. My personal favorite is the full LOTR trilogy. 1008 pages that will stimulate your imagination like nothing else. Easily worth 10 readings. I'm only up to 7 so far.

No, and I can't picture books happening in my mind as well as I used to. And I can't focus on them either. And as much as I love reading, in the end I need to be creating. But unfortunately that's a female role so my brain traded that ability in for other skills I have no use for.

As for the female handwriting, I always attributed that to their need to be perceived as pretty and attractive, even down to something as mundane as their handwriting.

Even if you write really slow, you can't mimic it. They simply have more control over their hands, and their brains are more creative and artistic than ours. We're more stoic and utilitarian. Which I really hate because as practical as I am I personally love the former and hate the latter. But alas, my brain thinks the opposite.