I keep getting ghosted...feeling really discouraged. Any advice welcome

submitted by devonSwan from self.Lesbians

So...if you look back at my other posts I was going out with a woman off and on. We went out after she got back into town, and then she invited me over to dinner and offered to cook, that date had gotten postponed because of our work schedules and she said she would let me know when she got back into town. She ghosted me. I'm just starting to feel really down because my ex beforehand ghosted me as well. I'm honestly not sure what I'm doing because of these situations but I'm at the end of my rope.. if you all have ghosted people what were the reasons and if you have been ghosted how do you get over it?

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[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 3 fun11 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

I posted yesterday to sympathize, but I realized today I may have been ghosted too, so now I empathize. Lol. It fucking sucks. I'm sorry we're going through this.

[–]devonSwan[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm very sorry to hear that. People suck :(

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Aww thanks, in my case, I deserve the ghosting, so I can't get too butthurt, but it really does a number on your brain wondering what's causing the radio silence on the other end. Hope we get through it ok.

[–]begonia_skies 10 insightful - 4 fun10 insightful - 3 fun11 insightful - 4 fun -  (7 children)

I just try and understand that sometimes things fizzle out and just keep trying, like you'll have a great conversation with someone but after a few days they stop talking and lose interest. That is just the way it goes in love and war, it doesn't always work out. I don't really think of that as ghosting, just in my opinion, I tend to think of ghosting as making plans and never showing up, that is just straight-up rude.

If you define ghosting as just sort of letting a conversation go or not really expressing much of an interest in a second date, then I guess I have found myself more on the "ghosting" side than the receiving side.

Reasons why I have "ghosted": One person I went on a date with disclosed some serious mental health issues, I am glad they disclosed and wish them well, but I did not go on a second date. Another girl seemed a little too obsessed with her muscles and started calling me "babe" via text after one date. Most times though it is because we just didn't have any chemistry and there wasn't really that zing of excitement. I will say, and I feel really terrible about admitting this, but I did "met" someone on reddit and we would have really great conversations and she seemed like a really interesting person, but after she sent me some pictures I just sort of let the conversation go. That sounds really terrible, and truly it is, I fully admit it was a real asshat thing to do, but I didn't really know what to do.... tell her I thought she was unattractive? And I didn't want to keep dragging it out due to guilt. I do really feel bad about that, but I don't think that sounds like your experience, I just wanted to confess my misdeeds, lol!

[–]Elvira95 7 insightful - 4 fun7 insightful - 3 fun8 insightful - 4 fun -  (2 children)

How unattractive? Like super fat or something?

[–]begonia_skies 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don't want to offend anyone, so I'll just say that she was not my type...

[–]Elvira95 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It happened similar to me. She was super beautiful, way out my league, but masculine, so.... :D

Good new year, girl

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

but I didn't really know what to do.... tell her I thought she was unattractive?

lol. i turned down someone asking me out online once because their instagram was private and I didn't know how to politely ask to see some photos first...and even if i got past that step, i didn't know how i'd handle saying "uh, no thanks" if she wasn't for me.

[–]begonia_skies 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I feel really awful about it, but to be fair she described herself in a way that was not totally genuine in my opinion. I went on a Tinder date once with someone that had apparently used very old photos and it was just really uncomfortable, I don't know why people do stuff like that, just seems really weird to me and I feel terrible when I have to be the bad guy and be like, "no thanks".

[–]Elvira95 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's like reading of hetero women believing they were going on date with a 5'9 who then end up being like 5'4 and shorter than them lolHow can someone lie by so much. It makes no sense, it's like they want to put themselves in a situation where people will reject them badly

[–]Rubyredpython 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I will say, and I feel really terrible about admitting this, but I did "met" someone on reddit and we would have really great conversations and she seemed like a really interesting person, but after she sent me some pictures I just sort of let the conversation go. That sounds really terrible, and truly it is, I fully admit it was a real asshat thing to do, but I didn't really know what to do.... tell her I thought she was unattractive?

I don't see anything wrong with this. You like who you like especially when it comes to someone you plan on being physical with. I've had it happen to me and I've also been the person stepping away after seeing their pictures. I think it would be worse to lead someone on out of guilt or pity. No one wants to find out they were a pity fuck/date.

[–]votkriscan 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I would also echo that these things might not actually be about you. One funny thing about us women is that when we want to, we can be very expressive about how we feel. But at other times, we'd quietly do all our thinking and come to a conclusion based on our life circumstances, when we should be talking it over with someone whom these things will directly affect, like a romantic partner. So, this could be something like that. It could also be based on you and her not being compatible.

And this isn't the fault of either you or her. Sometimes we just won't be a match for certain people. This has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with you or me. It's because we are all different. At the same time, this matter could just be one big misunderstanding. And after it's sorted out, you'd be right with her again. Do note that even though you may care about her deeply, she isn't the only woman around. There are still many more lesbians/bi women that you can date. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right one.

[–]Elvira95 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Your ex ghosted you? Like she disappeared out of nothing? This is crazy. Learn to love yourself, take some cats or dogs, accept the possibility you may never find a person you like and who like you back it will be better to handle such situations.

[–]devonSwan[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah, we had dated for 6 months, not super long I know but long enough for that shit to be unacceptable.

[–]Elvira95 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That's pretty absurd behaviour to ghost someone after months of dating, without an explanation. Some women are just totally crazy. Really accepting the possibility that you won't find the right one is hard but liberating. Imagine, hetero complain about not finding right person, imagine for someone with such a small dating poll. I know it sound depressing, but being happy alone is one of the biggest power you could have in life. And I hope I can develop it. And you too.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've never ghosted someone I've dated, but I have ghosted and faded on friends and I can get distant and withdrawn in relationships, and it's almost never a reflection of the other person and just me bogged down with my own life, stress, and depression. Even when I really like the other person, sometimes I'm just incapable of making it work.

And that happens even during normal times. I don't know where you are, but the world is extremely stressful for a lot of us right now and it's a really crappy dating environment for many, myself included. I loved my ex, but our relationship ended anyway because my life is falling apart right now. It had nothing to do with her.

So I would do your best to not take any of this personally. There's probably nothing you to need to fix or do differently, and just chalk it up to bad timing instead. Furthermore, if these two people couldn't even be bothered to reach out to you and just left you dangling, they're not really worth investing a lot of tears into, that's pretty flaky of them.

[–]Wot 5 insightful - 5 fun5 insightful - 4 fun6 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

I've ghosted. My reasons:

  • Embarrassed I'm not further along in life and won't be good enough as a partner so who am I kidding
  • Poor self esteem: thought I'd be too boring, fat, not as likable as I am now when they met me
  • Broke and embarrassed about being broke and unaccomplished
  • Depression
  • Lack of energy and more energy drain when realizing I'm essentially signing up to devote more energy I don't have to someone
  • I felt like I was too fucked up and it'd be unloving to burden someone with my issues and potentially spread them to her
  • Fear of falling in love, being that vulnerable, risking it all ie cold feet
  • Realizing I wasn't really into her and shouldn't string her along just cause I don't want to remain single
  • Masterbated and felt like I'd really rather remain single. Don't have to impress or compromise time/wants/etc with anyone when you have no one
  • Scattered brained/lack of focus/ADHD; I over think responding to people (because I want to be liked I overthink what I should say and how I should say it. I'll even get hung up on something as stupid as if I should use an emoji or not and which for an absurd amount of time. Pure torture), tell myself I'll respond later and never do or don't do it timely enough then I rack my brain to come up with excuses and hate I'd need to.

I wouldn't take it personally. At all. Ever.

[–]GameteGoddess 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hey I'm new here! I've read a bunch and it is so delightful that you exist because I have no one to talk to in real life especially in what I do for a living!!!!

I wasn't sure if I should make a post or just jump right in.

Felt compelled to answer. I'm a a real not questioning in shape femme lesbian. I had a girlfriend growing up not a boyfriend. I don't have fingernails. And I have more than one degree.

But none of that matters. On dating apps I can't tell if a woman is a real lesbian unless she is a butch. Every single butch I have talked says they can't trust me because they think I'm a pansexual.

I've been ghosted by Butch on dating apps who just seemed to want me to follow them on Instagram just like any other person.

I have been ghosted by women who probably were part of a couple.

and two weeks ago I was really getting along with someone who admitted she had intimacy problems. And I'm sorry but I've been there and I'm done with that. I've had my heart stomped because I have fallen in love with a classic and true dismissive avoidant.I'm umsure if you know what a dismissive avoidant is but It's worth looking up. I left my career and was about to relocate and we talked about marriage and she ghosted me out of the blue. We didn't even argue she made up the argument in her head because that is what dismissive avoidant people do. I have no idea if that is the person you are talking about, and if she's an avoidant. Many people can't tolerate intimacyconversation to say hey this isn't working for me.

So with the recent woman, well over a year after my heart smash.... Twice I asked her to video chat with me. And . And she ignored me. We were planning to meet up in person. Which ultimately means nothing but I was hopeful. She complained a lot about not being taken seriously a femme lesbian as wellwe have so many things in common including one of the same degrees from the same university. We have hobbies that overlap but they are not exact. And I was hopeful for the first time in a long time but she just refused to video chat. So I said goodbye. I don't know if she got my last message when i unmatched on bumble and if it all disappeared.

I'm closer to 40. I'm told often I look 30 because I have no wrinkles. I'm constantly ghosted on dating apps. Or it's being scammed.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hate to say I'm sorry because I'm trying to encourage other women to stop saying we are sorry!!

But I do know for a fact the couple of times I've been ghosted when someone actually said I love you and then ghosted me and then two months later got engaged to someone else that they never knew prior, that there are severe intimacy issues going on and attachment trauma.

Look up the book attached. It is the gateway if you really get into it. It's not that clinical but there are so much more clinical things out there and maybe It will help. It described the people I dated in life to a tee.

Like everybody else here says it sucks. :(

(I'm on a new phone and for some reason the entire screen isn't showing when I type so there are errors I'm sorry

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've ghosted old friends that I didn't want to be friends with anymore but not dating prospects. However, I've been ghosted by a few women I was dating so maybe that's my penance for friend-ghosting. I don't think comparing the two would do any good; I stopped ghosting people a few years before it started happening to me and the reasons would be different from dating reasons (that I don't know because I've never ghosted someone I was dating + I haven't spoken to the women who ghosted me so I don't know their reasons).

In terms of being ghosted, here's what I do: delete her number, delete her texts, unmatch with her on whichever app I met her through (ofc), which usually deletes the conversation we've had through the app. I don't need to give myself all the tools to obsess over a woman who isn't sparing me a single thought. Afterwards, I'll either take some time off from dating to focus on other things or alternatively jump back into the dating pool with both feet (would NOT do this option now however), depending on what's going on in my life at the moment. My guess for their ghosting was that they didn't think we were a good match but were just too chicken to say so after a few dates. I did have one number randomly call me a few times after I did the delete and unmatch on a ghoster about 2-3 years ago. The area code just so happened to be for the woman who had just ghosted me. Trying to zombie back into my life lol.