The “Gold Star” Problem

submitted by WordsHaveMeanings from self.Lesbians

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[–]funk_transcender 27 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 0 fun28 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

This, in one sentence, pretty much sums up my feelings about the whole topic. I just find this subject exhausting and over-talked about honestly. It just seems to be a divisive label and I’m not sure why we wilfully perpetuate it. It plays zero role in who I want to date or what I think of a person. I don’t even know why you’d even be asking a potential partner if they’ve been with a man before... either they have and, they regret it, and probably find it quite traumatic to think about; if they haven’t, it appears they have their own issues about it too. Why constantly bring a magnifying glass to who did and didn’t fuck men? It’s bizarre. One thing I will say is I have zero tolerance for that BS in any relationship I find my self in. I’ve dealt with enough shame in my life, thanks.

[–][deleted] 20 insightful - 2 fun20 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

I used to think this and I still mostly agree, but the more I see woke homophobia in lgbt circles today, I really think young lesbians especially need to hear it's OK and even admirable to have sexual boundaries.

[–]funk_transcender 20 insightful - 1 fun20 insightful - 0 fun21 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Honestly, there are so few of us, the last thing we need or want is breakaway groups and more division. I think I'm just a bit frustrated with the last couple of days of r/BiologicalLesbians where there seemed to be a new gold star-related post every other day.

It'd be great to live in a utopian world where homophobia didn't exist, lesbians were represented in the media in a healthy/classy/non-toxic way, where you didn't feel it necessary to deeply suppress being attracted to woman as a GNC woman who feels very 'different' to the woman around you, where 'lesbian' wasn't thrown at your face as an insult through your teen years, where woman not enjoying sex with men is normalised, where the nuclear family with a mother and father and 2.1 kids isn't glorified by society, etc.

It's not the world we live in though and frankly never will be, lesbians are always going to be a sexual minority and this species tends to have a lot of psychological complexes about sex. I'm truly happy for those who could come to terms with everything and I do admire them, but this implicit expectation that eventually every lesbian will be a goldstar is just not realistic and non-goldstar lesbians will always be a sizeable proportion of lesbians. Lesbians are still people and they have wide ranging personalities, some are introverted and neurotic, some are extroverted and extremely comfortable with themselves, some intensely care what those around them think, etc.

I know I can just avoid all those posts, and generally I do, but I think people who constantly bring up this gold star topic don't realise how uncomfortable it is to be thinking back to moments you deeply regret and that again are often mildly (or fully) traumatic to think about. It's not fun to have sex with someone you have zero capacity to be attracted too. It's awful. It comes from a place of deep denial and self-hatred. I would probably be more open to these conversations if the whole subject wasn't treated so casually honestly.

[–]funk_transcender 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Also, in relation to OP, that trans person seems to just use the term 'goldstar lesbian' as a proxy to 'all lesbians', but that would just make their lesbophobia too transparent. I agree it's gross, and it's wrong that the term is used like this to basically project every negative lesbian stereotype in a way that is for whatever fucked up reason in certain social settings seen as 'more acceptable' or 'more nuanced'. My initial takeaway from the post is this is a mentally unhinged person in an environment full of mentally unhinged people who will enable whatever questionable lectures they come up with. Lesbians being pushed out of LGBT groups is unfortunately the norm now and this instance was just that.

Maybe I'm out of the loop on how the term is being used in mainstream LGBT circles, that would certainly contextualise more the sudden focus in this term. But I still think the best thing to do here is ditch the label entirely. It has misogynistic undertones to me, gay men to my knowledge do not have an equivalent term - and if they do, it holds no where near as much relevance. The existence and proliferation of this concept sincerely seems to be a lose-lose situation for lesbians.