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[–]Skipdip 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you. That is affirming to hear. I was really trying to work with her, I am a bodyworker by trade (still in training) with a specialty in corregulation therapy, BCST, somatic experiencing, and a focus on developmental trauma, attachment, and early trauma. Myself I have come through a lot of dysregulation and had a diff personality disorder. I had all the tools to support her. I wanted us to grow together, which she at least initially said she wanted as well. To me supporting a partner in this way is nbd, but it requires she make a commitment to manage the dysregulation with me. In the end the second I got destabilized (when I hit peak trans and had an awakening which included finally coming to terms with that I’m lesbian and realizing I didn’t want her to disavow her womanness), she flipped out dumped me in one instant. I apologized for my part but she absolutely refused to take any responsibility for hers, or take any responsibility for how her actions hurt me. Sigh, sorry you didn’t ask. She was just such a great person in so many other ways. She was sensitive, empathetic, creative, intelligent, charismatic, visionary, a big brilliant presence, hard working, talented, and so lovable. We had similar values and life goals. She was my best friends lifelong best friend. Except now my best friend is also getting tired of her outbursts and dysregulation. My bff and another mutual friend we have both tell me that she will need years of therapy before she can have healthy relationships... none of them want to deal with her... it’s a shame.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No problem. I think trauma and mental health needs to be more of a conversation in our groups since it's so prevalent among LGB populations and lesbians in particular.

To me supporting a partner in this way is nbd, but it requires she make a commitment to manage the dysregulation with me.

You are probably in the minority in this, which is something I have come to accept. A part of therapy for BPD is to accept things, and I totally understand why women would be reluctant or even entirely put off from dating me because I have this condition, as well as a couple others. I don't want to make any lesbian feel guilt or pressure about her dating choices. We have enough of that going on as it is.

In the end the second I got destabilized (when I hit peak trans and had an awakening which included finally coming to terms with that I’m lesbian and realizing I didn’t want her to disavow her womanness), she flipped out dumped me in one instant. I apologized for my part but she absolutely refused to take any responsibility for hers, or take any responsibility for how her actions hurt me.

That's, I'm so sorry. I don't want to say anything that you might interpret as cruel about her, but she did something very wrong to you. It's unfortunately a part of BPD to suddenly drop even significant parts of your life and "start over." I know I didn't ask, but I'm here for this. I join lesbian forums to at least read stories and hopefully empathize with experiences.

Empathy, or lack thereof, is a controversial topic regarding sufferers of BPD and people they've hurt. In my opinion, it's as varied as it is in the general population. One thing I've noticed is, and this is my own unprofessional assessment, people with BPD tend to "wear" empathy sometimes instead of live with it. It's yet another defense mechanism in case of being hurt or abandoned. It's easier to "throw away" the person(s) or situation if you only allow a skin deep experience of empathy. Any deeper analyses or feelings would be much more painful to let go of. This was one of the first things I addressed when I began building better habits. I looked at all of the ways I was diverting or avoiding feeling real emotions and slowly let them in.

I want you to know that you deserved way better, and maybe that break up was a blessing in disguise. It was a better turn out than say, something happening after years of emotional and financial investment in the relationship.