Have any of you ever given up hope on finding love?

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[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

Not love itself so much as compatibility in areas that can erode love. There really is plenty of love out there for you to find, but love isn’t enough on it’s own, that’s why people have exes. I love every woman I’ve ever been with, and always will, even though our paths diverged for different reasons.

I think the most important qualities to find in someone, aside from basic attraction stuff, is sense of humour, empathy, curiosity, and ability to communicate. Romantic love needs to be sustained. It’s not that we can’t find it, I’ve been lucky enough to find it several times now.

Even though our dating pool is small we can all find someone to love, I never doubt that part. You will too.

[–]Skipdip 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Nice to see some positivity, after a breakup with my(25f) first girlfriend (had bpd and identified as NB). I really thought we were potential life partners because we lined up in so many ways. I miss her body as well as all the other amazing qualities. I don’t miss her emotional dysregulation and inability to take responsibility for her own actions.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

As someone with BPD I can tell you that a lot of the behaviors exhibited by the gender cultists remind me of symptoms I've experienced in the past and still today to some degree. Mostly unstable sense of self, identity, and crushing emptiness.

I can also tell you that some people with BPD, and any other mental disorder, are simply just assholes. I hate when we're infantilized and described like we're completely not self aware and capable of responsibility. I appreciate mental health advocates, but sometimes I feel like the endless excuses given to sufferers only creates even more negative stigma at best, and feeds our self destructive cycles at worst.

So thank you for speaking up about the need for your ex to control her impulses and stick with treatment. I have, so I know she is capable.

[–]Skipdip 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you. That is affirming to hear. I was really trying to work with her, I am a bodyworker by trade (still in training) with a specialty in corregulation therapy, BCST, somatic experiencing, and a focus on developmental trauma, attachment, and early trauma. Myself I have come through a lot of dysregulation and had a diff personality disorder. I had all the tools to support her. I wanted us to grow together, which she at least initially said she wanted as well. To me supporting a partner in this way is nbd, but it requires she make a commitment to manage the dysregulation with me. In the end the second I got destabilized (when I hit peak trans and had an awakening which included finally coming to terms with that I’m lesbian and realizing I didn’t want her to disavow her womanness), she flipped out dumped me in one instant. I apologized for my part but she absolutely refused to take any responsibility for hers, or take any responsibility for how her actions hurt me. Sigh, sorry you didn’t ask. She was just such a great person in so many other ways. She was sensitive, empathetic, creative, intelligent, charismatic, visionary, a big brilliant presence, hard working, talented, and so lovable. We had similar values and life goals. She was my best friends lifelong best friend. Except now my best friend is also getting tired of her outbursts and dysregulation. My bff and another mutual friend we have both tell me that she will need years of therapy before she can have healthy relationships... none of them want to deal with her... it’s a shame.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No problem. I think trauma and mental health needs to be more of a conversation in our groups since it's so prevalent among LGB populations and lesbians in particular.

To me supporting a partner in this way is nbd, but it requires she make a commitment to manage the dysregulation with me.

You are probably in the minority in this, which is something I have come to accept. A part of therapy for BPD is to accept things, and I totally understand why women would be reluctant or even entirely put off from dating me because I have this condition, as well as a couple others. I don't want to make any lesbian feel guilt or pressure about her dating choices. We have enough of that going on as it is.

In the end the second I got destabilized (when I hit peak trans and had an awakening which included finally coming to terms with that I’m lesbian and realizing I didn’t want her to disavow her womanness), she flipped out dumped me in one instant. I apologized for my part but she absolutely refused to take any responsibility for hers, or take any responsibility for how her actions hurt me.

That's, I'm so sorry. I don't want to say anything that you might interpret as cruel about her, but she did something very wrong to you. It's unfortunately a part of BPD to suddenly drop even significant parts of your life and "start over." I know I didn't ask, but I'm here for this. I join lesbian forums to at least read stories and hopefully empathize with experiences.

Empathy, or lack thereof, is a controversial topic regarding sufferers of BPD and people they've hurt. In my opinion, it's as varied as it is in the general population. One thing I've noticed is, and this is my own unprofessional assessment, people with BPD tend to "wear" empathy sometimes instead of live with it. It's yet another defense mechanism in case of being hurt or abandoned. It's easier to "throw away" the person(s) or situation if you only allow a skin deep experience of empathy. Any deeper analyses or feelings would be much more painful to let go of. This was one of the first things I addressed when I began building better habits. I looked at all of the ways I was diverting or avoiding feeling real emotions and slowly let them in.

I want you to know that you deserved way better, and maybe that break up was a blessing in disguise. It was a better turn out than say, something happening after years of emotional and financial investment in the relationship.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I spent 3 and a half years with someone like this, and even when she took responsibility for things, it was to soothe her ego, because she would be right back to doing the exact same thing again, as if she had amnesia.

We tried really hard together to communicate and be gentle with it, but she had a lot of trauma stuff on top of her disorder and just really needed a lot more therapy to come to a point where she would be able to connect to anyone without being abusive to them. I hope she gets there but it won’t be with me. We’ve been completely no-contact for over 4 years. It was the only way to escape that situation for me.