I never told her how I felt. And yes, I did my best to hide it, especially when her husband was alive. The way she told me about her boyfriend convinced me that she really doesn't know. We were at a major event with some other people from our organization, sitting next to each other in a huge auditorium. She started chatting casually about going somewhere with "my friend ____. Actually, he's my boyfriend. But don't tell anyone." Those were her exact words. She said this knowing that we would have to sit next to each other like that for the next four hours and neither one of us could leave. It just didn't seem to occur to her that I might feel hurt by the idea of her having a boyfriend. She is usually a cautious, overly anxious person who doesn't like to upset anyone, especially not in public. Since she is so very careful about who is allowed to know she has a boyfriend and obviously doesn't want any drama on that front, why would she then tell the one person who would be upset about it? Unless, of course, she had no clue that I had feelings for her. After she asked me not to tell anyone about the boyfriend, I automatically blurted out, "I won't." Then I changed the subject and did a VERY good job of pretending everything was fine. I repeated my performance the next few times I saw her.

Then Covid-19 hit, our group only met on Zoom, and I didn't see her in person until a couple of weeks ago, when we had an outdoor gathering. After not seeing her for four months, I found that my feelings for her were not as intense, but they're still there. I saw a lot of people for the first time in four months that day, so it was a surreal experience. Then it started to rain, and she dashed over to her car to get an umbrella. She came back with two-- one for her, and one for me.

As for her knowing where to find me, during the lockdown she friended my sister on Facebook. She has never met my sister. My sister is barely aware that this woman exists-- she just knows that I have a friend named ____ that I met at _____. My sister is also not the most social human being on the planet, so I am 100 percent sure that my crush sent out that friend request, not the other way around. I found out about it by accident when I was scrolling through my newsfeed. My reaction was, "Why is she doing this to me?" I still don't have an answer to that one. She has already seen everything on my own FB page (and I know for a fact that she has gone through it), so now she is keeping tabs on me via my sister's FB page? I don't know, but if a guy did that I'd find it kind of stalker-ish, TBH.