Chit-ChatSunday Social - open chat!

submitted by [deleted] from self.LGBDropTheT

sorted by:
top
newinsightfulfun
you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Warning, hot mess ahead. . . .

I'm still dealing with ex drama, but on the path to finally getting the f out. Against my nagging better judgment, I gave my ex another chance until I finally reached the point of acceptance that it was an irredeemable dumpster fire. I realized I was dealing with codependency issues stemming from my CPTSD and that I was hurting myself and deprioritizing my own interests and needs by staying in this relationship. I still love her, and we had so many fun times and adventures together. We traveled a lot. Went on constant adventures. Had mind-blowing sex until the very end. So there are a lot of happy memories. But she is so bad for me and was sucking the life out of me. She constantly misunderstood me, denied my needs and experiences, and required me to comfort her 24/7. She demonstrated that when I needed her the most, despite me constantly giving and giving in that relationship, she couldn't even do the bare minimum to me, much less acknowledge my needs.

Also, I came to the conclusion that she very likely has BPD (borderline) and had been previously misdiagnosed with bipolar. I had briefly considered that a few months ago but I didn't really look it up in detail and dismissed it but then I learned about "quiet" or "high-functioning" BPD and that definitely seems to fit her.

Anyway, I officially broke things off a week ago. I did her the courtesy of doing it in person at night and then I went home and immediately into bed with the covers over me. She kept messaging me and calling me from every single number and platform for hours so I had to put my phone on silent. This continued in the morning. By the afternoon she had turned more angry and accusatory. She even messaged me that she wanted no contact with me and would block me on all fronts after I returned the few things of hers she had left at my place or in my car. I said if she messaged me anything accusatory or inflammatory again, I would have to block her across all platforms other than to confirm the handover of her things. She tried to call my bluff immediately and doubled down on her accusation and so I blocked immediately.

For reference, we live in a city close by and have reserved parking spots in the same lot that is between our buildings. I dropped her stuff off the next morning and started walking to my car from her building and she was waiting for me and caught up to me on the street and asked me to forgive her or to at least unblock her, which I did not agree to. Then we had an embarrassing exchange as people walked around us on the sidewalk and I dodged her trying to hug me and told her why I needed to move on. It was hard to see. She was crying and I wanted to comfort her, which is always my instinct because the comfort generally flowed from me to her in our relationship. Since then I've gotten dozens of calls from hidden numbers. I got multiple $1 venmo transactions from her with messages asking to be unblocked and talk to her for 5 minutes, and had to block her on there. Also, I learned that gmail doesn't allow you to block emails from coming in from any particular senders. They just mark those emails as coming from a blocked sender. Really bad for someone like me who anxiously obsessively reads this shit and worries, and also needs to keep the messages just in case because we have the same employer and are neighbors, so I can't fully avoid her.

Yesterday, I started getting texts and calls from her on an unknown number (through an app apparently) asking to speak to me for 5 minutes. I've been permanently anxiously and overwhelmed by all of this as well as grieving my own loss of the relationship, so against my better judgment, I said I would allow the call but stated that it would not change anything. The call went well beyond 5 minutes and was an awful idea that just made me feel like I had to be the bad guy for prioritizing my own needs and enforcing my boundaries. And after all of that, she still asked if she could come over and I said no. And then she stated she was coming over, and I said no and hung up. She thankfully did not try to come to my place but it escalated my anxiety, throughout the entirety of the rest of my day, and made me angry at myself. The worst part of this is that she can remain high-functioning throughout all of this and it's me who turns low-functioning. She can still work and meet her responsibilities while having an existential crisis and I'm the one whose brain shuts down and goes into self-protective emergency cocoon mode. And for a brief horrifying 20 minutes I considered messaging her back to her and saying, "Yes, come over her and comfort me" to put me out of my misery, but then I snapped myself out of that. I'd be lying if I said I still don't have moments of these impulses.

God, I'm so fucking tired and want to be done with this. It seems like I'm overwhelmingly the recipient of the bad behavior and the one paying the consequences and also shouldering the blame. And I'm still hung up on her though she is so obviously undeserving of it. I've been in various therapies over the past few months and basically every time a member of a group I'm in sees me, they're like, "hey u/yousaythosethings, have you finally cut off your awful gf/ex yet?" My siblings and family members already assumed I went no contact a while ago because I tried a few times before and then had to admit that we were still in contact when she and I attended a sports event together a month ago. Nobody understands why I've been keeping myself here, but in part it's because of the isolation I feel in the "LGBT community." I lack in-person community support. I need more LGB friends and the fact that I'm not read as gay by other people does contribute to this feeling of isolation, and I don't want to be performative. LGB people knew my ex was gay immediately upon sight/interaction and so they would open up to her about it. So I am going to try to make it a priority to find more LGB friends IRL that I can feel comfortable around. I think I need this more than dating right now. Though I miss sex. My high sex drive keeps trying to sabotage me.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Ah, the infamous "look at how you're hurting me" when you're the one who endured hurt upon hurt for years. I have a mother like this. What a nightmare.

You have to stand your ground. These people have absolutely no boundaries and will cross yours repeatedly, even when you've voiced them, even when they've agreed not to cross them. Perfectly illustrated multiple times in what you've written. I know you know but I just want to say you did the right choice and encourage you to stick to it this time. Or she'll keep injecting her slow poison. People with BPD in particular have no sense of identity, and so they glue themselves to others and copy their likes/dislikes/values. Has she shown signs of this too? Also, of course, low empathy...

Keep your chin up and don't despair, it is hard right now but it will pass. I know online is limited, but don't hesitate to reach out in the meantime. I guess that's what this community is also for :)

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Thanks for the support! I'm sorry you have a mother like this. My mother has classic narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but has no redeeming qualities so I haven't spoken to her in years. I think it would be harder to have a BPD mother because then you can see the human in there and the good but then there's also so much bad, and as you said, a total lack of empathy. She is constantly projecting her issues on me and assuming bad intentions of me on even the most inconsequential or absurd things.

People with BPD in particular have no sense of identity, and so they glue themselves to others and copy their likes/dislikes/values. Has she shown signs of this too?

Her case is interesting. She does seem to have an identity and a lot of quirks that are separate from me and stand out among the "LGBT community" in particular, but those are things she arguably has mirrored from members of her family. Yes, she also definitely did that "mirroring" thing to me in terms of taking on a lot of my likes/dislikes/values and then acting like I somehow made her do that.

She has the hallmark constant fear of abandonment at her very core and is highly sensitive to any perceived sign of abandonment. So now of course I'm told I'm triggering that fear and am being blamed for that and being told I'm proving that fear true for her, though she admitted that she has been an "asshole" to me and has not been listening to me or caring about my needs. She says she is not trying to violate my boundaries but my blocking her puts her in an existential crisis and she says she is just trying to "breathe" by reaching out to me, and that I need to have more empathy for her. When in reality I have far too much empathy and it has been used against me countless times.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

My mum is a million miles away from getting diagnosed so I don't know exactly what's wrong with her, but yes it sounds like BPD and yeah, it's... unpredictable and guilt-inducing.

Oh man, it's the worst when they go all "I'm so sorry!" and they cry and it all sounds so dramatic so you give them a chance, you think maybe they get it now, maybe things will change, and then nothing changes. Lol. They're always using their tears and distress to manipulate people. It's good that you can see it clearly for what it is. They are way too good at demonising you when you dare be a human being and not their comfort pillow.

It is truly hard when you can see the good parts as well as the bad parts. When you like the good parts you always want to hope that the bad will improve. It's a trap though... Honestly, it's hard to tell the difference between someone who wants to get better, and someone who doesn't. Because getting better requires efforts and pain for these people, and isn't always worth it. When they grab onto someone to suck them dry and the person stays, why would they want things to change? Why would they want someone to be less dedicated to them? To give them less reassurance? Playing the victim usually pays off, unfortunately... Even though this isn't the best solution for anyone involved. But they have noooo idea what's good for them. That's what makes us so empathetic and want to help them, reassure them, etc.

It's really complicated, and I honestly think those people are beyond help. No, okay, too harsh. I do think they can get better, but I don't have much faith in them wanting to.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It continues to be a ride. I had my boundaries majorly violated again multiple times since I posted. She's making it easy to affirm my decision to leave, but man is she continuing to create mess and still make me responsible for her feelings. She is trying multiple contradictory approaches at once to see if any of them work, and it's interesting to watch and making me more clear-headed than before. And it feels like I'm slowly waking up from a deep sleep. Or a drug-induced state. It's not that I've reached the point where I don't care about her (and I really hate that I still care), but I'm realizing the full extent of the madness.

My brain has a natural, obsessive tendency to make sense of everything around me, and now I will have to live with so much of this not making sense. I'm realizing so much of what I accepted before as a given since she gained my trust might not even be true, but with most things, I won't know what was true and what was a deliberately fabricated reality. It's a lot to process. And she's still trying to convince me to let her come over to my place so I can comfort her. 🙄

Her actions are also showing that she doesn't truly have a desire to get better, and was feigning it to lure me back in. I am wising up.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Everything you've said is extremely familiar, lol.

Well, I can attest that the scariest thing with people like this, is that even after knowing them for over 20 years, you still don't know who they are, exactly. They are capable of molding themselves into any shape, as long as it gets them a semblance of love. Realising that fact is very uncomfortable.

I'm impressed that you can see through it so quickly. 27 years later my mum still doesn't make any sense, still is deeply absorbed in her own little world, and I still can't accept that fact lol.

The good thing about this experience is that you'll be able to spot the red flags more easily now, and know exactly what they entail and what you don't want to deal with.

Never again, right? 😆