Wow. This really is a sneaky thing to watch. I'm actually laughing at how deceptive this whole thing is. Why the hell-- is this guy doing this? I mean, for validation, I guess, but if he already knows how the thing's going to go down, then why bother...? It's so ridiculous, lol.

People love to talk to or about to themselves in front of other people, especially people who will, as you noted, validate them. Basically this dude is just coming onto a transbian sub and saying "yeah, me too." (Otherwise, he's just an idiot wandering around Reddit and not knowing who his audience is, but he's still basically saying he is coming around to the idea that he can be a woman, or that whole disclosure is indeed pointless.)

Makes sense. Sorry, I think I jumped on the word "shame" and didn't spend as much time actually processing the details of the situation as I might have. I find it hard sometimes to put myself in the mindset of someone who chooses to use such deceptive tactics, like this guy did. I spend a lot of time around very "woke-left" people, who like to make throwaway comments about how people who disagree with their beliefs should be "shamed," which I can't say I'm a fan of. I appreciate you taking the time to explain.

Yup, that's a popular term to throw around. Let us remember that some behaviors are in fact shameful, which I think we all know is true, if we’re thinking about it. Some of our more strident woke pals like to go so far as to suggest that shame should never be felt for any reason. I don't think they're thinking that through. Shame is a powerful behavior-correction mechanism, it just shouldn't be used to hurt people for reasons that would be obviously abusive, like arbitrary physical traits, orientation, etc. Of course it's not helpful or relevant there, but if we're talking about people looking for excuses to hurt / harass other people, ABSOLUTELY they should feel shame over those impulses; that’s the message from themselves, to themselves, that they need to rethink what they’re doing because of the negative consequences. Evidently parents and schools have now managed to train generations to think that they should never feel uncomfortable about someone else's response anything they do. Sure. That's how we raise generations of narcissists.

So this dude, who is fixated on lesbians finding him attractive even though he’s a dude? Well, if he’s having those thoughts privately and not acting them out in the world, then it’s between him and him, and hopefully a therapist. If he’s pulling up a chair to sit at the transbian table and confess his former levels of shame about those feelings, he’s considering walking down a very shameful path with their enabling and validation to bolster his belief that this would be an okay thing to do. He is looking for permission from a group that is similarly challenged psychologically. He is looking for an excuse. Or he can’t see the sharks in the water, should STFU, and go back to talking to his therapist about all of this. The logical conclusion is he wants the encouragement to cross a line that he does, in fact, know is a line he should not be crossing.

The only other possibility is that he can't articulate well that he feels genuine dysphoria, and that's still a conversation for his therapist, not the transbian wolves in sheep's clothing on r/actuallesbians. But narcissistic abusers can be VERY alluring when they are trying to recruit. That's the only way they get anywhere with people. If they showed off who they really are right away they'd scare most people off right away.

Dude is Bambi one way or another—with our without a working moral compass. I'm leaning toward without, because he doesn't talk, in this quote at least, about not feeling comfortable with his own body, just what he wants from a group of people he'll never be with.

I find it hard sometimes to put myself in the mindset of someone who chooses to use such deceptive tactics, like this guy did.

Yeah, many of us do. I’m only better at it now through very concerted effort after running into a bunch of these predators in a short amount of time. That told me I couldn’t play nice anymore and just assume people mean well even when they seem to. It sucks.

The alternative is worse. And, of course, people can be very smooth with their practiced social skills and seem safer than they are at times (or at first, when they’re trying harder because they can’t control you yet). That’s another job for one’s gut instincts to parse.

It’s an endless learning and updating process. I hope all of this helps give you permission to judge yourself less when you don’t feel right about such things. It’s not rude to back away because it doesn’t feel right. (But also, it is far better to be “rude” and unhurt than to be nice and getting abused.) You can ping me more about this any time, or if you ever want a second opinion about a specific situation, I’m happy to offer one privately.