ColonizationWhat does the dawn of demisexuals tell us? How sex-drenched society has become | Arwa Mahdawi

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[–]Ladis_Wascheharuum 28 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 0 fun29 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

The cultural messaging, especially from the left, is less "sex positive" and more "sex-pushy" these days. Hook-ups and first-date sex are presented as the normal, default way to live. (Related is the idea of "vanilla" sex being a boring thing for stodgy religious boomers.) This is regardless of what actual people generally want. People who don't want these things are trying to communicate their style, without being deemed conservative, sex-negative prudes. The tool they reach for is the liberal label machine. It makes sense.

Some of it is for attention, sure. But some is just a way of escaping the pressures of society, and to communicate in an acceptable way what kind of dating partner you want. The fact is "I don't do sex on the first few dates" can sound like a preference that can be overcome by the right challenger. "I'm demisexual" sounds more like a firm warning against disrespecting identity, lest one incur the wrath of wokeism.

It's a label that shouldn't be needed, but to me it's completely understandable why some think they do need it.

[–]turtleduck23 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I remember reading an article suggesting women need to try more one night stands to "find themselves sexually". it was written by a woman who couldn't understand why more men were up for one night stands than women. it's like she couldn't understand that not all women want to hook up with someone they just met and take a chance of ending up as a victim on a true crime show. while there's nothing wrong with people who do hook up, trying to tell young people that in order to find themselves they need to sleep with strangers is just wrong. as you said, we went from sex positive to trying to tell people what they need to be do with their sex life.

[–]DimDroog 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh have mercy.

One night stands are so depressing imho.

I don't know too many men into them either.

[–]reluctant_commenter 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Some of it is for attention, sure. But some is just a way of escaping the pressures of society, and to communicate in an acceptable way what kind of dating partner you want. The fact is "I don't do sex on the first few dates" can sound like a preference that can be overcome by the right challenger. "I'm demisexual" sounds more like a firm warning against disrespecting identity, lest one incur the wrath of wokeism.

It's a label that shouldn't be needed, but to me it's completely understandable why some think they do need it.

I completely agree, I think you hit the nail on the head. I hear this type of pressure against "seeming too vanilla" a lot, in my own majority-liberal bubble. In label-world, how do you fight your friends calling you a label? Simple, you make up your own label. Differences are addressed by inventing new labels-- except for the differences that are deemed "problematic," like saying you're exclusively attracted to one sex-- and are not addressed by just accepting that everybody has different likes and dislikes, different preferences and different experiences.

[–]PatsyStoneMaverique 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This was a very wise post. Take your "insightful!" I've never been in a mileu where liberals dominate, but what you've described certainly makes sense and meshes with what I've seen online.

[–]Finnegan7921 17 insightful - 4 fun17 insightful - 3 fun18 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Not wanting to bang anything that moves is now an "identity." These kids have too much free time.

[–]TransspeciesUnicornI sexually identify as a mythical sparkly equine 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

That said, I don’t think demisexuality should be written off as attention-seeking.

I partially agree with that. I don't necessarily think the flood of asexuals/demisexuals are all attention-seekers. Some of them are of course, but not all of them. I know when I was young and still identifying as asexual, I completely believed that demisexuality was a legit thing. (I think I may have first come across the term on AVEN?) Growing up being surrounded by porn and kink definitely made it seem like so-called "demisexuals" are in fact different from everyone else. It wasn't until I got older that I realized that most people aren't sex crazed nymphos.

[–]INeedSomeTimeAsexual Ally 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

This what I hate to see on asexual forms and how they frame "allosexuals" (in their language: non-asexuals) as some sex-crazed people, who can't stop thinking about sex and constantly imagine having sex with any stranger they see on the streets. On the other hand the affirmation/promotion of having sex even if you're not attracted to your partner to please them. Or selling the really nonsensical idea that an asexual loving having sex and actively seeking sex is somehow still asexual (no, to me it just sounds like some form of bisexual or if they have a certain romantic attraction labeled then basically either a straight person or confused gay person). But we know why they have to exaggerate the rest of the society to the point they turn non-asexuals into sort of horny monkeys in their ideology. To validate the existence of demisexuality or graysexuality as something legitimate and somehow different from being "allosexual". They wouldn't have to break the reality if not for validating these "non-asexuals who still wanna count as asexuals".

I am honestly done with how TQ+ spaces bend the reality to such absurd levels and are ready to harass you for disagreeing or wanting to find a nuance to their presented ideology... You know it very well from the T but even the A part has been always ridiculous to me.

[–]PatsyStoneMaverique 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

On the other hand the affirmation/promotion of having sex even if you're not attracted to your partner to please them.

Oh my God I find this so deeply disturbing. They're coaching each other into willingly being raped.

Are these partners opposite sex? The reason I ask is because I've noticed a distinct pattern of teenage asexuals growing up and being gay later. There seems to be a significant percentage of closeted LGBs calling themselves asexual.

u/RedEyedWarrior did you ever come across anything like this?

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Thankfully, I’ve never come across anyone trying to coerce other people into having sex with them. As for closeted LGB people calling themselves asexual, I do have experience with it. Me. Before I personally acknowledged my attraction towards men, I convinced myself that I had no interest in sex at all because I did not want to have sex with females and I was scared of the thought of being sexually attracted to males. When I finally acknowledged my attraction to men, I stopped calling myself asexual, then realised I have no interest in women so I stopped calling myself bisexual and now call myself gay, which I am. Came out to my family and my peers months later.

[–]PatsyStoneMaverique 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I had remembered you mentioning that, so I thought I'd ask you to weigh in. I'm relieved to hear your experience was more innocent than the voluntary corrective rape scenario this OP brought up.

I work with a lot of teenagers in my industry and a few times over the years I've had a guy come to me saying "I think I might be bisexual." I always take them on their word, try to be supportive and kind- you know, buck them up, they usually need it. I'll look out for them for a while. To my knowledge they're all gay now.

I don't mind this situation because it doesn't hurt me, but bisexual men often bring it up as a bone of contention with gay men. I think about it every time people start grousing about definitions.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

A lot of gay men realise that they like men before they realise that they’re not interested in women, so many of them think that they are bisexual before they realise that they are gay. Unfortunately, this leads to a lot of people believing that bisexual people do not exist, particularly bisexual men being seen as a myth.

[–]PatsyStoneMaverique 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I always take that question as more "I'm same-sex attracted, do you hate me?" more than "I literally think I am literally bisexual, does that sound right to you?" They're more fishing to gauge my reaction to the confession of same-sex attraction.

I think when I take it in stride and don't do whatever they're afraid of, it gives them more confidence and makes them feel safer to talk to other people, especially gay men.

Again, this doesn't bother me. There's a difference between kids navigating possible social rejection with identities and grown adults scamming people by intentionally lying. I do remember picking up a bizarre 1940s-era book once at a used bookstore about the epidemic of "bisexual" men at the time who cheated on their wives with other men. I should have bought it. I bet if you read between the lines they'd mostly just be gay.

The gay men who refuse to believe bisexuality is real because young gay men lie about it so much are just self-centered. It ain't all you! The label wouldn't exist for you to use in the first place if there weren't real men like that.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That’s very informative. It’s easier to get back in the closet if you say you’re bisexual than gay if shit hit the fan. And yeah, a lot of gay people are self-centred, but some people, gay or straight, are just ignorant.

[–]PatsyStoneMaverique 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It’s easier to get back in the closet if you say you’re bisexual than gay if shit hit the fan.

Agreed. I do also think that's why they'll stick their toe in the water with me, the bisexual lady at work. I probably won't reject them, and if I do I don't know their friends or family so I can't really hurt them. I'm about as safe as safe gets.

but some people, gay or straight, are just ignorant.

That's the truth.

[–]TransspeciesUnicornI sexually identify as a mythical sparkly equine 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

On the other hand the affirmation/promotion of having sex even if you're not attracted to your partner to please them.

Yes, I recall seeing stuff like that back when I used to frequent AVEN when I was a teen. I remember there being one chick talking about how she had sex with her partner solely to please them, and that she saw it as a chore like taking out the garbage or something. It does make me wonder how many people id'ing as ace actually are though. I know the two stereotypes that asexuals are either closeted gay people or people with undiagnosed hormone disorders. In my case, both those actually turned out to be true. I think one or both could also be true for a lot of people id'ing as ace. It's a better thought to me than that whatever percentage of actual asexuals there might be out there are forcing themselves to have sex.

[–]reluctant_commenter 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Lol, I love this point so much.

Reader, I rolled my eyes. I know that’s not the kind or constructive thing to do when someone is brave enough to come out, but I’m afraid I couldn’t help it: my old gay eyes rolled involuntarily. That was partly due to amazement. When I came out, 20 years ago, I wasn’t worried that people might think I was declaring myself queer because it was cool – it was decidedly not cool. No, I was worried about getting beaten up. I’m not trying to win the oppression Olympics over here: I think it’s brilliant that we’ve gone from words like “gay” and “queer” being widespread slurs to something that the privileged offspring of politicians reckon is a badge of honour.

Like, can we just recognize, that is a WAY different reason to be afraid of coming out.