Forgive my rudeness, but;

Where in the insanely privileged, cushy middle class, Keto diet eating, Protein shake drinking, Avacado toast eating, Queer theory studying west-coast "safe-space" ass neighborhood do you live where you've never heard "gays" used derogatorily, or heard people say "don't call me that?"

I have never, ever heard it in any other context that isn't 1. Directly derogatory, ie, the same way some speak about "the blacks", with an intent to dehumanize a group of people by using their sexuality as a noun to reduce them to it. 2. Condescending and jokey, ie, "The gays want X", which comes off as annoying and stereotypical

It's not grammatically correct, nor is it something I ever see used unless they are shitposting or trying to be offensive. I don't hear people talk about "the struggles of growing up as a gay" seriously, I only see "13 memes only the gays will understand sksksksksk yaaaas queen" or "Those vile gays are at it again"

No, this has nothing to do with that. Lesbians can call themselves gay. Bi men can call themselves gay. Hell even straight people can. I don't care. Even an individual can refer to themselves as "a gay" if they really want to (but they will almost always come off as non-serious and/or incredibly annoying.) It's when you refer to all homosexuals as "gays" that's the problem. Just like how "queer" is nonconsensually applied to all homosexuals these days.

I am not technically "gay" in the modern sense because, despite being homosexual, I don't fit in with gay men & "gay culture." So I may be homosexual but I am not "a gay." In the same way I am homosexual, but I am not "a queer" because I want nothing to do with "the queer community."

I think I have every right to say "No, I don't want to be called 'a gay'" as I do declining the word queer. I don't particularly like the word "gay" itself, because it's very much tied to slang and "gay community" which, like I said, I am not welcomed by nor want anything to do with. But "GayS" plural is the worst out of the three because it's deliberately condescending, non-serious, or actively trying to be discriminatory.

Like honestly I'm being 100% serious when I say I'd find being called the big spooky f word a lot less offensive here. At least that one I can laugh at, and I often use self deprecating jokes. "Queer" and "Gays" just associate me with something (stupid communities and stereotypes) that I am not, all while coming off as belittling.