I'm not sure if this counts as desisting, but I identified as agender for about 2 years before peaking and admitting to myself it was all bullshit. I joined the Queer Student Union (ugh) at my college, trying to find support and meet other gay people. Instead I learned about transgenderism and all the minutiae of gender identity theory, b/c Every. Single. Meeting. was about that. They never talked about homosexuality, not once, ever. I felt awkward bringing up my own orientation and feelings about it, and felt like the people in the QSU couldn't relate. It was an alienating experience, and I felt like the weird one out.

I was told everyone has a "feeling" or "essence" of man or woman, that meant they were truly that gender. I had never thought hard about my own gender identity before that, but suddenly I was surrounded by people telling me most people had a deep feeling/connection with their manhood/womanhood, and that this was called being "cisgender" or "transgender". I had never felt like I had a "women soul" or "essence" or whatever, but the people I talked to seemed so sure and confident in what they were saying, that I believed them. I believed my "lack" of gender feelings meant I wasn't a real woman, so I started calling myself agender and using they/them pronouns.

I was also closeted and deeply ashamed of liking women, and got absolutely zero support for this from the supposed Queer Student Union. I was self-harming during those 2 years, and nobody in the QSU ever asked me what I was feeling or if I was okay, despite seeing the signs. I think the agender identity shielded me from my self-loathing to a certain extent, but it was just a bandaid. Some part of me also knew the whole gender identity thing was bullshit, because the transwomen in the group talked over the women and transmen, interrupted and talked down to us, just like so many jackass men I'd known before. But somehow I didn't feel I had the "right" to be a woman, as I didn't "feel" my gender the way they described. I dismissed the cognitive dissonance as just a product of my fucked up brain.

During this time my mental health problems were worsening, self-harm was worsening and I wasn't sleeping for days. I ended up seeking help after realizing how scared I was of death, and that I couldn't go through with the suicide I'd been planning for weeks. I got therapy, and eventually medication that worked for me, I started being more honest with myself about the root of my shame and self-hatred. Over time I started to realize I could just BE, and I didn't have to feel anything about my gender or identity in order to just exist in my body. The therapy I got also greatly helped me to find some peace living in my own skin, and helped me stop caring so much about comparing myself to other people.

The first time I went back to the QSU after that, it's like a fog had cleared from my eyes, and the people I'd looked up to and believed before just seemed so pretentious and fake. My priorities and perspective had changed, so I left the QSU and never went back. I eventually dropped the agender they/them label. Sorry if this was long and rambling, but I've never written any of this down in one place before.