Are you me?? Minus the growing up in a conservative household your story sounds like mine. Identified as a trans guy/nonbinary for a few years. Binding, packing, new wardrobe, pronoun fuckery, etc. I did go to a gender therapist, who was unhelpful as hell and told me my internalized homophobia/misogyny was actually proof I wasn't a girl. I can't say I had the intense hatred of my female body (although I despised my period and still do), but I definitely wanted a male body much more than the one I had when the dysphoria got really bad.

"I was trans but did not EVER want to do surgery(for multitude reason, for one, it would not BE the same as being born boy, I used to wish I could die and be reborn as one---of course I knew that would never happen), so that made me peak more."

This. Exactly this. I used to be obsessed with being male to the point where I'd have dreams about it frequently. But I knew no amount of hormones or surgery would give me that. It also breaks my heart to see young people on puberty blockers and cross sex hormones they don't need. It upsets me to see that gender nonconformity has basically been erased because the second TRAs see a GNC person or even just GNC behavior (a female writer using a male pen name to get her books published for instance) they try to trans them.

And it's funny because I can see how the pan label can be useful for identifying the woke crusaders, so I guess we both kind of brought each other over to our respective sides lol. I guess I wouldn't have a problem with it if people who used it recognized that by definition, pan implies trans people are seen as a third sex. Obviously they aren't, but it would at least be consistent with the TRA's demands that you can't be run of the mill straight, lesbian, gay, or bi and also like trans people. Again, obviously you can, but if the claim is made that you need to relabel your sexuality for a trans person then TRA's also can't assert that trans men and women are the same as natal men and women. I just want consistency. Something has to give in either direction.