Sexuality & IntimacyHas anyone else opted-out of relationships?

submitted by NutterButterFlutter from (self.LGB)

When I was younger (teen/20s), I thought my goal was to be in a stable and long-term relationship and live to my dying days with that person. I dated a lot, men and women (I'm bisexual), and while sometimes I fell completely head over heels ... I never found anyone that I thought was "the one". It was always people who were sometimes bad and sometimes good, but never an overwhelming belief deep in myself that this person was right for me and I would do anything to make sure we spent the rest of our lives together.

It was like I had to convince myself that I would accept this thing or the other thing, but never had a true vision of what I wanted.

I refined my preferences and ideals as I understood and learned about myself. Now, I don't really feel an urge or connection with anyone in a romantic or intimate sense. I've ended up feeling OK being on my own, but somehow I do still want someone in my life. For me, and me for them. Friendships and acquaintances only go so far.

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[–]Three_oneFour 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm not wasting effort on trying to find a relationship, but it at time feels like that's because my area has no availability. My college has, like, 6 other gay guys in it and they're already dating each other. The rest of my town seems to have no people in my age range at all, let alone gay men. I could look for a local daddy, but I'm not looking for that kind of relationship dynamic. If I find any single gay man within 5 years of my own age, I'll probably try to ask him out, but that search isn't turning up any results.

[–]Athelhilda4 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

i suspect I might be asexual. I don't think a sexless relationship would be fair to a hypothetical partner, so I've pretty much given up on a romantic relationship at this point.

[–]NutterButterFlutter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I don't really get any butterflies or interest in anyone. I can look at people and sometimes think that they are objectively attractive, but beyond that, there's nothing.

I know that the over-the-top infatuation of young love and hormonal urges isn't real (or rather, it's not lasting). But it would be nice to at least be intrigued by someone again, and maybe feel a little turned on. I don't even get crushes anymore.

I looked into asexuality a bit myself. I'm not sure if it fits for me, its a little confusing since Ive enjoyed sex in the past. I just don't really care now, about sex or getting close to someone. It's a weird feeling.

[–]xandit 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I looked into asexuality a bit myself

do you mean celibacy? how do you look into asexuality? I would think you are or you aren't...

[–]NutterButterFlutter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

do you mean celibacy?

No. Celibacy is deliberately choosing to not be intimate for one reason or another. I'm not opting-out by choice, I would like to be.

I'm opting out because I feel no drive, passion, or desire anymore. I would be faking intimacy while hoping it actually develops. Maybe that's because I don't feel there's a point? Because I've never felt there was "the one"?

how do you look into asexuality?

By trying to learn.

I would think you are or you aren't...

Agreed, which is also why I don't think it's me. I researched asexuality and various meanings and understandings as best I could. Some things made sense to me personally, some things didn't. Ultimately I think, whether asexuality is legitimate or not, that what's known about it doesn't describe me.

[–]JoshuaNumbers 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I stopped looking for people that were my kind of pretty, and started looking for people who were my kind of ain't-pretty. There are a lot more of those.

[–]NutterButterFlutter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Has that helped? Have your relationships changed, or your way of being in a relationship changed? Did you opt-out of even trying for a while before you made the switch?

[–]PenseePansy 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My apologies for taking so damn long to respond to this, 'Flutter. (I wanted to at the time you originally posted it, but my offline life has been in high gear lately.)

While it certainly isn't the case that I've opted out of relationships, I would like to say this: please don't get hung up on the sense that you need to have a "this-is-The-One" feeling in order to have a relationship. Sure, that's a common way to experience it, but it's not the only way. And it may not be YOUR way. The important thing is, do you want this person in your life? Beyond the level of friendship/acquaintance? For the foreseeable future? That's what matters, not whether it fits some conventional notion of how such a person should make you feel.

Maybe it's simply that you have the sense, counter to the standard construct of love (but not many real-life experiences of it), that there ISN'T just one person for each of us; rather, there are a range of individuals with whom we could have that LTR bond. They don't have to be "the only one in the WORLD!!!", you know? They just have to be the one you choose... and who chooses you :)