why AGP sometimes takes over

submitted by TRapostate from (self.GenderCritical)

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[–]stunaep 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I assume you're open to questions, but of course you're free to not answer.

Why are you into feminization? Are you a masochist?

Do you truly have zero attraction to absolutely anyone? What kind of people would you imagine having sex with in your fantasies, even if you personally would argue that it isn't true attraction? Would you be having "lesbian" sex with a girl or would you be getting fucked by a man?

Or are you able to get off without even having fantasies that are that sexual? Are you having sex at all in your fantasies or do you just (look at yourself dressed hyperfeminine)/(imagine some scenario related to feminine dress/female anatomy on yourself) and masturbate?

[–]TRapostate[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

yes i am masochistic. i think the feminization was just probably what i happened to settle on. i can remember being a late bloomer somewhat, i was worried for a while that i was gay, just because my sex drive seemed to take longer to kick in. i didn't ever have an orgasm until i was 15. the first time was while thinking of how feminine i felt wearing a thong. but until then for years, i had fairly frequently been consuming content where i would identify with the "victim" of a story and experience what they did vicariously. usually erotica or comics or just imagination. so i think i had a few years of conditioning built up in my brain, of being used to only being aroused to these fantasies and never anything normal. so then once the puberty fully kicked in and i was full of horniness, it all just went that direction.

i think what happens is that the male sex-drive becomes disassociated from wanting women. like if you never built those pathways in your brain, the horniness doesn't go there. like i can find a woman very attractive, and it will make me like her as a person, see her charitably, i would probably be just as vulnerable to sweet talk as any other man. it's just if she tried to seduce me it wouldn't go as expected, i wouldn't have that: [potential sex with female === boner] response. i can get horny to the idea of a having sex with a man but it's more of like an advanced fantasy, "faceless men".

i am able to get off to fantasies that don't seem that sexual but i think they really are. like there have been times where i would get off simply to the "feeling" of being feminine or feminized. i could also probably get off to a feeling of being "controlled" by some sort of bondage scenario. it's odd about with crossdressing though there seems to be this extra kick, idk maybe childhood trauma fearing emasculation? i have wondered if the masochism caused me to like crossdressing or if they are sort of related but independent. but i remember maybe it was my earliest memory i can remember of ever getting aroused. and i think it had to do with the thought of being put back into diapers at too late of an age. i don't know how old i was, maybe even as young as like 7 or 8? i'm thinking maybe it has something to do with a male sex drive latching on to a female caretaker figure? and liking being feminized is really just liking an association to being under the influence of this figure from the perspective of a young boy?

[–]stunaep 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

i would probably be just as vulnerable to sweet talk as any other man. it's just if she tried to seduce me it wouldn't go as expected, i wouldn't have that: [potential sex with female === boner] response. i can get horny to the idea of a having sex with a man but it's more of like an advanced fantasy, "faceless men".

Truthfully, this sounds gay to me but I'll take your word for it for now that you're not gay.

"it's just if she tried to seduce me it wouldn't go as expected" Then how would it go? You'd want to dress up for her and be admired or something? Or there simply wouldn't be a sexual scenario because you don't work like that?

What kind of porn to you watch? M/M feminization? Or str8 or lesbian?

[–]TRapostate[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

i just wouldn't get turned on. atleast i think i wouldn't. i've tried many times to vividly imagine women i knew irl that i thought were attractive, i tried to imagine having sex with them in different contexts. but i couldn't get going. i seem to need some sort of story roleplay of something happening to me.

if i could stand the embarrassment, if she wanted to be all dominant, that would probably work.

i wouldn't say i have any particular reaction to being admired.

and oddly, in porn, i'd rather see a woman be partially clothed. i have some sort of (weaker) disgust response to seeing a vagina, but i probably could get over that disgust response quickly i think.

and i've watched many genres, but i do that thing where i project myself onto one of the actors in the porn, i think that's really what got me confused back in the day.. but anything where i could project myself onto the person being the submissive partner. i used to read lots of erotica, watched alot of that hypno, would watch straight porn but imagine being the girl in it, would watch alot of cd porn and imagine being the CD.

[–]PenseePansy 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Do you think that your fundamental turn-on is feeling humiliated, and the AGP is just an outgrowth of that? Because you regard women as inferior, so, for a man, there's nothing more humiliating than "feminization"? How do you think of women, of femaleness? What are women to you? What do we represent?

[–]TRapostate[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

i think that it is less that women are themselves inferior, it's more that having one's manhood reduced is humiliating. i personally see women as people. the other half of the human whole. i am more afraid of them than anything haha.

[–]PenseePansy 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

But that's just it: how does being "feminine"-- that is, exhibiting traits (presentation-wise and behavior-wise) identified with women-- reduce your manhood? Unless women are "lesser"? Do you see what I mean?

Also, do you know why it is that you're afraid of women? That might be worth exploring.

[–]TRapostate[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

i think because i was shamed for being acting out feminine behavior when i was young. basically until i knew it was shameful i thought it was a relatively neutral thing, if i could pretend to be an alien or a pirate, why not pretend to be a girl? i still can remember being shocked at how strong a reaction that i received from my mother once "YOU ARE BOY, YOU ARE A BOY!". because i had bunched up my shorts to look like a bikini and danced around in front of her. just playing really at that age. i don't think it had gotten sexual yet. but i think the knowledge of how taboo it was, combined with the knowledge that boys could "be turned gay" and the teasing i would sometimes receive from older teenage girls, and the times i was crossdressed against my will. i think that imprinted a strong shame reaction to the idea of being emasculated. i think that, pre-puberty, before my hetero drive would attempt to awaken itself, crossdressing was just another outlet for my masochistic drive. not particularly preferred over being the loser in a game on purpose to suffer a consequence, to being tied up, or something else. i'm starting to think ray blanchard's ETLE may have a prerequisite of a prior masochistic crossdressing response to get started. basically once you become fascinated with symbols of femininity, it turbo charges your cross-dressing desires as a corrupted form of heterosexuality. and i really was afraid of girls when i was in highschool age. and today there are remnants of that feeling still. but i'm not nearly as hopelessly awkward. i think i fear being rejected in general, and am sensitive to other's perception of me. and i think i was hyper vigilant to being shamed. and girls represented a level of emotional sophistication i wasn't close to matching. so i feared their emotional power, and kept my distance.

[–]PenseePansy 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Hey, did you delete your post, OP? Why?

Is this something that you regret having brought up? Do you not want to discuss it any further?

Because I won't pursue it if you don't want to.

[–]TRapostate[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

no. i guess some mod deleted it.

[–]censorshipment 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I get this, although I'm a homosexual female and attracted to myself (autosexual, as you mentioned). I watched porn on cable networks (Cinemax aka "Skinemax", Showtime, HBO) back in the 80s starting at age 5... and I always imagined myself in the dominant position as the man. I NEVER saw myself being fucked... unless the woman was riding the man's dick. That's my favorite position when I wear a strapon... a woman riding me like a cowgirl. My childhood sexual fantasies came true. 😏😄 I started dating girls when I was 14 and using a strapon at age 16... and I did go through a phase of identifying as a guy because I hated being seen sexually as female by my girlfriends.

My mom fought very hard to normalize my sexuality and "gender identity". She repeatedly told me I don't have to see myself as a man to have sex with other women. But I can't really change that... I only see myself sexually as a woman when I masturbate and I'm touching my own pussy.

I do have a hormonal imbalance and went through a weird puberty of becoming more masculine (my voice deepened, I grew facial hair, my sex drive and physical strength were ridiculously high). My ex recently called me a man with big boobs. 😅 In the lesbian world, I'm a stone butch / touch-me-not stud.

[–]TRapostate[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

hmm... yes it sounds like something similar. when you say "see" yourself, you're imagining like a visual scene/situation? if you have some masculinized characteristics in your brain, i wonder if your fantasies are similar in function to male ones. like people always say men are more visual, and for me i actually do use alot of visual imagery. full on 3d scenes around me, people, props, areas, i can see these things fairly vividly in my mind's eye, and "seeing" the situation around me can turn me on all by itself. if so, it could be that your preferences there were caused indirectly, via the same system that creates male paraphilias, in a reduced form. instead of say, some natural inclination toward that.