At one point I broke down crying and told her I can't handle seeing her cry and scream and she had a breakdown, and sort of "hit" me in the face with her bloody dilator. I'm not really taking that to heart, though I know the word "hit" sounds like physical abuse. It was not, it was just a plastic dilator and it didn't hurt, and I know she knew it wouldn't hurt. But at the time we were both so emotional I told her not to hit me and that hurt her deeply, because of course that sounds like I was implying she was physically abusing me. After that she stubbornly refused to let me help her dilate until the next incident, and I regret my breakdown to this day because that was really not about me. I hate myself for that every single day.

This is tragic. It can be hard enough extricating oneself from an abusive relationship even without the social baggage. I feel bad for the women like her who have internalized the idea that to be a good partner means completely negating themselves to avoid triggering someone else's dysphoria.

Really, with the obsession with avoiding any pain to trans people, modern culture is teaching the very unhealthy and unrealistic message that individuals are responsible for and capable of fixing other people's psychological problems.