Brutal in the Bedroom: Normalization of Violence in Sex

submitted by WildApples from (persuasion.community)

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[–]Shesstealthy 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

The thing i find most telling is that for all the trumpeting of us being equals in the bedroom, colder, more detached etc, it's somehow only us who are supposed to want to be choked and beaten

Where are the young men's magazines teaching them how to like being pegged? Suggesting that their female partner might like to strangle and slap them so they should learn how to enthusiastically consent? Implying that saying no to these things is a little uptight? Giving them tips for sex with girls who have penises?

[–]PenseePansy 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Men have eroticized their abuse of us for ages; now WE'RE supposed to eroticize it, too.

This reminds me of what a (female) psychologist who works with convicted sex offenders once wrote about sexual sadists-- the kind that kinkster-PR can't pretty up; for whom "non-consensual" is the entire POINT.

She said that, at its most extreme, sexual sadism no longer even involves acts that are actually sexual in any way. What gives such sadists the greatest pleasure... is pure violence.

Maybe what we're looking at is less a case of violence in sex (frightening enough right there) than... violence AS sex :(

[–]cure_osa_disorder 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is why gay men should not have to take no for an answer.

[–]WildApples[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yup. I used to believe in the idea of sex positivity and sexual equality, but it became clear that the bulk of the benefits of sexual freedom always accrues to the men and heterosexual, sexual interactions always end up reflecting patriarchal norms. Catherine MacKinnon was on point.

[–]anxietyaccount8 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Last week, a young man said he’d like to press my face against a window while performing sexual deeds

Who flirts that way, what the fuck

[–]our_team_is_winning 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm not young, but shouldn't respect and dignity be a priority in every generation? She says she meets men for sex on dating apps and sings along with that WAP song. Why? We know men like to pick up strangers and use and abuse them for sex. Is this what women want to do too?

Is this the "new equalilty" where everyone is a disrespectful user looking for violent pornified sex?

I wanted equal access to education, jobs, pay, and a say in matters. Feminism for me has never been about being equally raunchy. "Sex positivity" is a male invention to trick women into thinking being pornified is power and equality.

[–]WildApples[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That is a great question: is this what women want? I would guess mostly not, but then the question is why are women going along with such behavior? I cannot tell if the author was actually seeking casual sex or if she was just resigned to it because it seemed to her be an inevitable part of the dating process. That would be a great follow-up article, what do women really want in dating, and--if it is not brutal, casual sex--why aren't they asking for it and getting it?

I do not buy into the idea of sex positivity much anymore, but when I did it was not about being equally raunchy. I felt that as a woman I had a lot of sexual shame foisted upon me that men did not have to share in, so sex positivity seemed to me a way to disavow female, sexual shaming. It was not about being hypersexual; it was about freeing my mind from the negative judgment of others. But I agree with you that sex positivity ultimately redounds to men's benefit and power.

By the way, The Spinster and Her Enemies is a great book that explains how the sexual revolution undermined feminism and got women to buy into their own sexualization. Author Sheila Jeffries discusses how since the 1960s, sexual mores have been loosening and women have been pressured to keep up and were stigmatized if they did not.

[–]our_team_is_winning 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

women have been pressured to keep up and were stigmatized if they did not.

Isn't that something. In the past, women weren't supposed to show their ankles or be alone in the same room with a non-relative male, etc. and then it went 180 so that unless a woman had sex by the third date, she was breaking societal rules! And now it's moved to hook-up culture, hardcore porn, and choking. Women are always being controlled, whether as sexless or oversexed.

[–]eddyelric 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

But women’s complicity in this new brutal sex is not just a bid to catch up with the men. Since Fifty Shades of Grey, violent sex attained glamour, associated with Audis, penthouses and ice-cold white Burgundy. S&M—whips, cuffs, restraints, spanking—was parceled up and marketed as a luxury lifestyle.

Now that you mention it, BDSM is probably more common among the upper-middle-class, white, coastal elites who push this kind of stuff. You need a significant amount of money for all those tools. Perhaps support for BDSM is not just virtue-signalling, but also class signalling?