AAP / AHE? I need vent

aapahethrowaway · 2021-07-15T14:02:05+00:00

I haven't seen blue is the warmest colour - I'm a bit weirded out by the fact that the girl is meant to be 15. Call me by your name was as gorgeous as it was pretentious lol.

Getting back to your original post: so did the fantasy pretty much stop after you broke up with your ex?

Well, since I started having sex with him. But pretty much. It's just sort of faded since. It's hard to describe. On one hand I'm in one place now but I feel like that contradicts where I was? It's confusing. I feel grossed out by the sex now.

you haven't been in love.

I feel like I was at one point. Not with my ex though. It wasn't a relationship and I didn't pursue it because I was still in that relationship. Said relationship ended, then covid happened, and now I'm here after 18 months of ruminating, spending too much time online, and delving into strange parts of my psyche.

Thank you for talking with me about this though it's really helped to clear my head out. Definitely going to see a therapist.

aapahethrowaway · 2021-07-13T10:44:06+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I agree that I need to give myself a break. I could take a look at stoicism. It's been a few years since I've had any sort of spiritual involvement, I used to be into the likes to Rob Bell, Richard Rohr, James Martin.

aapahethrowaway · 2021-07-13T10:37:34+00:00

Nah I doubt anyone gets emotionally satisfied by lesbian porn, I was just confused when you said it made you wet but at the same time didn't do much for you. I see what you mean now.

It's odd. Like, I will get turned on by (sorry to be explicit but) naked women doing sexual things, but I won't really engage with something like portrait de la jeune fille en feu. With male / male it's the opposite. And I don't really know why but if that sort of story is told in a particular way it just seems erotic to me.

So that's why I asked. The idea of a gay relationship clearly holds a particular meaning for you, or there would be nothing to find alluring. I'm really curious about what significance you've assigned it.

If only I knew haha. I think it's tricky to answer, because I know that adult me is probably going to reinterpret adolescent me, and superimpose adult me's understand of the world onto adolescent me's understanding. I'll have a shot at answering your question, but it's hard because memories fade so all I really have is now and what I can remember of the past. And maybe the best solution to all of this is to simply describe it as a paraphilia? Who knows.

Anyway I'll give you a couple of ideas because I've been having a think about this. I think one part of it is the fact that a lot of these story lines focused on pining and repression, so you get more build out of it. Think of the film Maurice as an example. If that pining isn't there then it's not that interesting to me. The other idea I have is that stories between men are a bit easier to read. Bear with me. I am pretty sure I have borderline asd. I suspect that part of this is that men are a little less emotionally complex and easier to read. Take for example portrait de la jeune fille en feu; a lot of that film is the two main leads making eyes at each other. I suspect that a lot of the emotional depth could just be going over my head so I don't engage with it in that way.

aapahethrowaway · 2021-07-10T11:47:27+00:00

are there or have there ever been any men that you'd actually like to have sex with?

not that I can think of. other than as described in my post. I think as individual entities I don't really care much for the men either.

Are you saying that it didn't do anything for you emotionally, or something else?

I just noticed that I didn't get as turned on by it. Dose anyone get turned on emotionally by lesbian porn lol? It's hard to explain but to get into it I almost have to turn that part of my brain off and just objectify them. So much of lesbian porn just looks awkward, uncomfortable, and it's so obvious most aren't into it.

how do you feel about therapy?

Excellent. I should do that but I have to go through a referrals process and that will take a while.

What exactly is it about the relationship (or the idea of a gay relationship) that you're drawn to?

Dunno.

aapahethrowaway