I'm tired of pretending I'm not a virgin. People assume just because I'm married that I was getting engulfed and choked by cunt on the daily and then it wound down when my wife shaved her head and finally achieved bench-pressing double my weight because I was scared of her, but we've actually been saving ourselves and it gets more pure the longer you wait. That's what she and her best friend Georgie tell me.

It gets really awkward when people assume that the two of us have defiled ourselves in that way and act like it's normal. I know I don't need the approval of heathens and the only thing that matters is that Jesus is proud of me, but sometimes, I swear He is testing my faith!