I am living absolute irrefutable proof that life is NOT "what you make of it"

submitted by Vulptex from (self.whatever)

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[–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I did and still do, but we're nothing alike. He could never understand me.

ALL, and I mean ALL the people who are like me are ultra savant genius talents, in every area of interest. They start out way ahead of where I'd be after an entire lifetime of experience. ALL of them except one who kind of lost mind already.

The problem is genetics. I have so many mental illnesses, goodness where do I begin. I probably have every single mood disorder, slow processing speed, decaying intelligence, chronic depression, chronic stress, ADHD, OCD, hypersensitivity, hyperanxiety, possibly psychosis, no talent, gender dysphoria, probably learning disabilities, possibly a sleeping disorder; I don't consider ASD an illness but it's a very bad combination with the rest of these things. Paradoxically I'm also very smart at the same time, I'm just not capable of any sort of the creative work I need. My intelligence only makes me highly aware of how hopeless I am and how unfair it all is. Even my intelligence is rotting though, and all my problems are getting worse. I know things will only continue to get darker from here, bored out of my mind and hating myself and nature and life and the world.

There is not a single other person on this planet suffering from this affliction. Sure most people can't do anything special, but they don't care to. Everyone else who shares my personality and interests has something like superhuman abilities. There is not one area where this isn't the case. All I can do is watch them all have a blast while I'm desperate unable to do a thing. Maybe if I hadn't been allowed a small taste of it when I was a kid, I wouldn't care either; but now I'm fully aware of what I'm not only missing out on, but actually NEED to stay healthy.

Of course, I'm not allowed to ask for help or vent or even acknowledge that I have all these problems, because that's not "positive thinking"! If I don't put up the excruciating act that it's all sunshine and rainbows, people will hate me and make me feel guilty for feeling the "wrong" way. So I don't dare talk about it. And remember kids, mental illness isn't real, it's just an excuse that bad people use! People just CAN'T FUCKING ADMIT THAT THE WORLD IS AN AWFUL UNFORGIVING PLACE!!!

[–]noice 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Vulptex I can hear some voices from my past self (and admittedly a couple that still linger) in this post of yours. It is very hard to be in that kind of state - especially for spans of many years! I know it and I have lived it. It is also challenging because a lot of the trite advice and bullshit that most people spew will just make you feel even worse. REALLY exacerbated by the chasm of isolation that a couple standard deviations in IQ brings along. You're being too hard on yourself. You know that, but you still feel that shit and it fucking sucks.

I am hoping that you can change things up a bit to get out of your rut. For me, it honestly took a couple big faceplant failures when shaking up my life a bit, and I didn't even notice when I was emerging out of my rut and into a state of progression, but I can say that I've been back in 'the zone' for multiple years now, too. And now, some of my goals that seemed hopeless a few years ago, actually seem attainable now, too, albeit with continued progression and a ton of work. But when I get in 'the zone' on something, I am totally intending on doing tons of work; it actually feels good. Hoping that you can find that.

If you ever need a bro to hear you out, just send me a message

[–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Well here's the thing. I know it's not just "a rut", because the others are already killing it when they're new to trying something. The difference is only that they all have these natural abilities that I don't. I'm not just "being hard on myself" because I'm simply trying to have fun, not win a competition or impress people; but I can't do that because I wasn't born with all the necessary gifts like literally everyone else.

I understand that it's possible to improve. But you can only improve the skills you were born with, not gain entirely new ones. Even if I could do that, I'd still have to focus on one or two things at most, while they can do everything they want to all at once with much less effort. It all comes naturally to them, they have superhuman brainpowers. People who want material things or status or power can work hard and climb the ladder; but this has no chance of changing. It's a lose-lose situation: either I sit around all my life and do nothing and be bored forever, or I keep trying things and seeing again and again that I can't do them.

Some power must really want me to live. I just found out I've been in stage 2 of psychogenic death for years now, in large part thanks to this. The normal prognosis for that condition is 5 weeks.

[–]noice 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm not saying you're expressing this to have fun, to win a competition, impress people, etc. I think that you're expressing it because you're experiencing it. And it sucks. But yes, you are being hard on yourself, and you're clearly ascribing to others, traits that you wish you had.

It is possible that it is just a rut. You don't know the future. I don't know your situation and won't tell you that your dreams are just waiting to manifest right around the corner. However I can objectively say that I could have typed some of the sentences in your reply, if you were talking to me 4-5 years ago. But today if I could talk to my past self, I would say the things that I'm telling you.

There is a seductive aspect of misery, which can make it feel good to stay there in some very powerful ways. I hope that you will escape it though, because it really is just a siren song for more waves of torment.

[–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's just not possible. The cult of toxic positivity won't let you say so, but even science recognizes this. It's 90% nature, nurture only does a little. You can sharpen or dull what you do have, but you can't change what you have any more than you can change your sex (which of course is yet another problem of mine).