I stumbed on this woman's feed (she did not lock it because of me)

https://twitter.com/desixchick/photo

Those big gorgeous green eyes, that mouth, her small but unmistakably "ethnic" nose, her clear, caramel skin.

Meanwhile, I had to take a pic for ID on my phone the id and I was...deformed. I had no makeup.

I have never actually seen someone with eyes like mine, as small, porcine, round, and disgusting as mine. As deeply set. Not even another Asian or Middle Eastern person. Maybe the men.

Before my rhino, I had never seen someone with a nose like mine - it was like a flattened pear, on a fat, wide, round, short face. 6 years after a horrible botched surgery....you know those stereotypes of operated-on noses no longer looking human, because they're collapsed? I have that now. My eyes collapse under the skin spreading on either side. It's bigger & greasier looking than my old nose, melting under the weight of scar and my blackhead-studded burlap skin.

The truth is, I've always found "exotic" beautiful women of any group far more interesting to look at - even titillating - than pretty white women. More dramatic looking.

And when I hear women of any other group describing how awful it is to be "fetishized"...it's a little silly.

To the extent men are uninterested in getting to know the real you and use your beauty as a mirror, yes, maybe. But that's how a douchebag will regard any pretty woman.

All beauty of any ethnicity is "fetishized". And it opens doors and provides freedom to express oneself freely, pursue risk, experiment with self-image, with partners, with relationships in a way ugly people don't even really get to fantasize about. It opens doors to jobs.

It makes people want to be around you. Who the fuck cares if a few of those people are doing it for "inauthentic" reasons you can't define?

I would take people being phony to me over people who instinctively dislike me or treat me like a desperate, worthless piece of shit in part because of how I look every fucking day.

There's an NYT columnist named Iva Dixit who is the closest person I've found to looking like me, at least before her transformation - roundish face, deepset eyes with dark circles (still not as dark as mine, and she has big eyes), crooked mouth, and had a nose very much like my pre-surgery nose. She built her career first documenting her journey getting rid of cystic acne. (Ha ha, and when I read that, I might have never been more jealous of anyone in my life. Acne above all else is what led me here.)

Before editing, she was a fashion/beauty journalist. I can only imagine what it was like being an unnattractive Indian woman in an industry that is only interested in diversity to the extent you look the same, race to race - clear skin, small nose, big eyes, big lips, strong jawline, willowy.

Dixit constantly talks about her appearance and how she used to look - the most obvious thing, other than weight loss...she had a fucking successful nose job.

She actually posted something like, "Someday I expect blogs to muse about what surgeries I've had." I did a double take when I saw it and had to stop myself from pointing out the obvious. (There goes my hope of asking her who did her rhino, of course.)

What is more tasteless than women acting as if becoming beautiful is a matter of hard work, when they know it's really about good luck? There comes a point someone daring audience to ask about her evolution into a swan is an act of shameless insecurity.

I had to stop following her - she's not a knockout, but I look at her, with her pretty standard, natural, still-ethnic nose...if I hadn't been butchered, I might be half as pretty as that. I've obsessed about it for hours at a time, some days.

That would have been as good at it got for me, and still, I would strangle someone to look like her. I want to jump off the tallest building, reflecting on a woman who got the rhinoplasty I might have had, and then gone on to have a significantly less sad, shame-filled life, even if I'd inevitably probably still be a femcel, given how beautiful women are in my city.

I don't even dream about being especially beautiful to look at, like the woman whose twitter I posted, who seem to be another species and at another evolutionary stage from people like me. I realize when looking at women like that...I'm missing entire natural layers of bone from my face. Millimeters of eyeball. Spare MM are instead pasted into the width of a lantern, post-grinding jaw around a small, nasty, eroded mouth, under a stretched, butchered oily mudflap of a nose, piggy hooded eyes, and pockmarks from ear to ear.

I would give anything - fucking anything - to be as beautiful as the women I grew up with. That's all - to be an averagely attractive woman. And to have my old nose, so I could start this tormentous journey over from the beginning and try to get it right. I would like to find myself attractive and for maybe half the men I find attractive to not find my attention ridiculous, with about as much maintenance as the average women I see in my city. That would be enough.

The pictures they take reflect the women they see and make peace with in the mirror. Even if they've had zits (nothing comparable to mine - mine left cratered scars), or imperfect, doughy tummies that need to be exercised, or wrinkles, or greying hair, or don't feel comfortable smiling with teeth. Even if they still had to shave their legs and underarms.

I want to wear a short sleeve shirt without looking down and realizing I have more body hair than the average white dude on the street. I want to be an adult woman without bacne.

I want to take photos of myself, like an entire internet, millions of people who can present themselves to an audience without looking like someone beat their face in with a frying pan and then took an icepick to their cheeks.

When I hear women talking about being "fetishized" I want to smash something; CHRIST, imagining having anything men are attracted to, in every respect. Try imagining the features that make you ugly in any culture but that you're predisposed to because you got the wrong end of foreign features - big noses, soft, sexless, flabby facial structure, no facial projection, flat, "low", wide, "weak" features - "weak" cartilage - of the kind only helped by breaking jaws, noses - maybe shoving implants into someone.