Ways that you defy internalized lesbophobia

submitted by Skipdip from (self.Lesbians)

I am in my first relationship with a woman after 25 years of suffering internalized homophobia and misogyny. It has been a slow unlearning process, to finally have this forbidden fruit that seemed so impossible, that I figured I must just be straight.

It’s been challenging because my girlfriend has a lot of internalized stuff and is part of the transgender ideology right now. It has caused a lot of friction and initially broke us up, but we are trying to persevere, because on a deep level we want this so badly. It’s like a oasis in the desert.

I have tried to unlearn my internalized stuff. I do this by

  • having sex with abandon, and trying to let go of all my porn associations and fetishization

  • when I have a thought like “scissoring is gross and unnatural” while scissoring... I try to let it go and just enjoy the moment

  • I like to do sweet romantic things for my girlfriend, I like to call her “dear” “babe” “baby” “my one and only” you know all that stuff that handsome straight men from foreign countries say and do in movies. I have to override the feeling like it is wrong for me to be sappy and romantic. For some reason I have this feeling that we can’t do cute couple stuff, we have to pretend that we are just platonic friends or something. I don’t know exactly how to describe it. But there is a shame quality, and a hiding quality.

  • permitting myself to be in love with her vulva and not afraid of her body

  • trying not to hate my vagina or see it as unnatural or gross

  • not imagining myself as a man while I fuck her, more generally never bringing “man” and “woman” into any part of our interactions

  • asking myself what I actually enjoy about her body (and mine), rather than measuring her up to the beauty standard and telling myself I shouldn’t be, it’s not possible for me to be attracted to XYZ

  • overall just trying to focus on what feels good, and let go of the shame and fear that creeps subtly in

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[–]ColdSoup 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don't have internalised lesbophobia to that extent personally, but I do have a few things I've struggled to come to terms with and accept. I'm happy you're allowing yourself to be yourself!

-Acknowledging to myself that I am, in fact, exclusively same sex attracted, and that my lack of wanting to have sex with men isn't caused by trauma that I need to get over - it's natural and perfectly acceptable.

-Not "testing" my homosexuality by trying to force myself to imagine intimacy with a man when I start feeling down about being a lesbian. I always feel immediately grossed out and a little sick, like I'd just tried to imagine someone pooping or something. No, ColdSoup, you don't like men and you don't need to check and make sure every time you acknowledge that.

-Trying not to feel creepy about my attraction to women. Being a pervert in my head isn't violating or wrong.

-Letting myself think about women while masturbating without feeling guilty afterwards

I've found that during actual sex with a woman I have 0 discomfort and internalised lesbophobia because I'm just so in the moment. I find it infinitely hot, sensual and simply right. It's easy for me to appreciate my partners body like a work of art, completely separated from whatever the hell media thinks. Like for example I'm not much of an ass gal, it doesn't get me going. However I love love love my partners stomach and waist, I love women's necks and I love my partner having hair down there and her uneven labia, these are parts that I love about her outside of the media's perception of what is supposedly attractive. Although we are in a FWB type deal. I've never found the ideal porn woman body particularly attractive.

[–]Skipdip[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Omg yes! I totally agree with that forcing myself to imagine myself with men to test my homosexuality thing. I’m like “well maybe I could get off. That would make me not lesbian!” Strangely I don’t feel this is a requirement with women haha, no effort needed

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I can't say I really relate to this. My internalized homophobia mostly deals with how other people perceive me - I don't want men to think of me as an angry dyke and I don't want women to think of me as a creepy predator. And I don't always like the lesbian "brand", per se. I don't really have an issue with being homophobic in interpersonal connections or sex. For my own issues, I just have to remind myself I don't have to follow trends, that I know who I am, and that if someone seems me as a creep or a triggered SJW, it most likely says more about them than me.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (2 children)

I perceive you as a babe

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 4 fun5 insightful - 3 fun6 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

LOL rad

[–]yousaythosethings 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is where I am too and I think this is more traditional internalized homophobia/lesbophobia. Plus in this day and age, people may assume my politics based on my sexual orientation. I am liberal, but not woke, and interested in thoughtful discussion not platitudes and censorship. I just want to be seen as an individual and a woman who just happens to be attracted to women.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 4 fun5 insightful - 3 fun6 insightful - 4 fun -  (24 children)

Scissoring isn’t really a thing so you could actually listen to that voice. Tribadism is hot tho, but scissoring is sort of an inside joke.

Also: get as far out of your head as possible during sex. Be present. Being in the moment will help keep the voices at bay that are telling you not to enjoy yourself or to care about looks etc

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 6 fun6 insightful - 5 fun7 insightful - 6 fun -  (20 children)

Every time I hear someone say scissoring all that I can think about is Ms. Garrison and the scissor me timbers episode of South Park.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 4 fun7 insightful - 3 fun8 insightful - 4 fun -  (19 children)

Have you tried it. I did and i laughed so hard and the just assumed the position that actually works. Scissoring is like long-distance tribbing and it’s too awkward and funny to work.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (18 children)

I’m a fan of the actually stimulating tribbing, not so much of the long distance porn version of scissoring.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (17 children)

Meee too. It’s one of the best things when you crack the “perfect position” code.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

Luckily the first time I ever tried it the other party seemed to be vastly experienced. Didn’t have to go thru the trying figure out the position phase lol

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (14 children)

I have noticed the fit is different per partner. The first woman I did it with must have felt like a champion because i was like “omg what is this magic you are working on me?” Lolol One time a partner was going down on me and i made her do an obscure tongue move on my finger after because it was SO AMAZING i wanted detailed instruction. Lololol

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 3 fun6 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 3 fun -  (13 children)

I guess spending most of my time straddling something has giving me a super powers when it comes to sex lmfao. My wife’s first time doing it was with me and she cried afterwards, I freaked out because I thought I hurt her. Apparently it was a super “moving” experience, I didn’t know that that could be an actual thing that could happen before then.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (12 children)

Omfg. I never thought of that. You must have the perfect musculature and endurance for sexing. THAT IS SO PORNO. Yeah, i bet she cried. Surprised she still insisted you quit doing rodeo stuff. Oh man, you probably have so many skills just from horsing around. These stalkers are starting to make sense. Did you ever hook up with other cowgirl types?

I’ve had someone cry after that act too, and been pretty moved my it myself. It was like the ridiculous sex that you think is fake until it happens, but love is a requirement to have the best of it, for sure.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (11 children)

Just rodeo not riding, teaching lessons, or coaching. But if you can sit a lope for as long as I can you’re bound to make some one happy lol

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It is however something that I only do with serious long term partners. Im sure we all can agree with that.

[–]Skipdip[S] 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

I don’t understand what’s the difference? Our vaginas touch, whatever that is... in a fan

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Scissor is like one pair of scissors opened and another, only touching in the centre of the blades. So your heads are very far apart, opposite ends of the bed. That position is balls. Most lesbians i have known laugh about how awkward it actually is and how it’s a porn thing. So if it feels weird it really is. Lol.

The best position for that is not very scissor-like, and is probably the one you actually do already, with one of your legs over one of hers, and close together, kissing distance. Or even completely straddle a’la buckskin, our resident cowgirl and riding expert. She gives lessons. Lolololol

[–]Skipdip[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Haha ok well we’ve done both. She seemed to like scissoring, I preferred the other one but she’s got a belly so I think the scissoring worked around it easier.