Navigating online dating: etiquette, tips, thoughts?

submitted by emilyprentiss from (self.Lesbians)

Hey, I'm so happy I finally joined this forum. I used to subscribe to the old one on R/eddit, and I was really upset when it got destroyed. I felt really lonely!

Recently, I decided to try online dating for the first time, and I just want to ask: how do you navigate these apps? I know we're all different, but I saw some recent online dating posts (one about red flags, one about bios), and I thought we could have a broader discussion.

Personally, I am not into hooking up so I downloaded the least Tinder-like app out there. Most people on the app want something serious too, but so far haven't met anyone I like. I don't really have an approach. I just stick to being honest about and with myself. Not 'liking' women with political beliefs I don't share, not 'liking' anyone whose long-term plans are totally different from mine. But I'm also trying to not be overly picky in terms of hobbies and tastes (TV shows, movies) because I'm trying to find a partner, not a clone.

Those who do online date, (more and more of us it seems, because of Covid) - what are some other tips and advice and thoughts? What is your personality type, and do you find it makes online dating harder or easier? Is ghosting someone ever okay? What do you prefer: meeting up right away to see if there's chemistry, or talking for ages? Do people manage to find people with whom they click or is it all a myth, and everyone just deletes their apps after a month and redownloads them six months later, rinse and repeat until death?

You don't have to answer all or any of this. They are just some starting points!

Edit: Grammar.

all 11 comments
sorted by:
top
newinsightfulfun

[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

Generally, I think it's rude to say what you DON'T want in your profile but a-ok to say what you are looking for. I think there's a huge difference between saying something like "I'm looking for an athletic woman who can keep up with me" and "No fatties".

You should state what you're looking for, even if you're not sure.

Ghosting is never OK, but it doesn't count as ghosting unless that person is more-or-less entitled to a response, meaning you've met up in person (or have been talking for a very long time online) and they have reason to assume they'll hear from you again (such as you saying you'll call them or they text you afterwards). People who claim they got ghosted after a three day pen pal session on Tinder can kindly stfu.

I always used the "meet up asap" approach so as to not waste time, but now I'm not sure. First dates with strangers are terrible and, in my experience, rarely go anywhere serious. I think maybe people are just better off becoming friends first and then dating later and most solid (straight) relationships I've seen started out with them knowing each other from work, school, church, etc, which is unfortunately not always an option for people in a sexual minority. Dating apps aren't really set up for that, even the people who say "friends first" in their profiles - you're still going to be going out on "dates" with them where you're sizing each other up, it's just a low pressure date. You don't know them in a diffuse way the way you get to naturally and slowly know people in your social orbit. It's very frustrating.

[–]emilyprentiss[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I agree with the 'saying what you look for' and being as specific as you need to.

I'm also much better at becoming friends first and then having it develop into something else/something serious. In fact, that's been the way I functioned my whole life, which is why online dating makes me nervous! But I agree that it's way, way difficult being in the sexual minority, especially as a femme looking for other femmes.

[–]florasis 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Online dating might be difficult, still way easier than trying to find women into women in real life, especially as an introverted. Online dating allows you to find women you're sure are into women and that you will likely not meet in real life and by reading profile and chatting before meeting you can know if there is character compatibility, without much pressure. Living in the internet era is damn luck. I cannot imagine how difficult it was in in the past, not only dating, but finding important information too. Even heteros, who have the option to meet people everywhere, are still using dating apps today, because it's just more practical and give more options.

[–]emilyprentiss[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I agree. I think one of the hardest things for me as a femme who is into other femmes is invisibility. Over the years, I've gotten quite good at picking up 'vibes' and clues off of women, and I usually am quite accurate, but still, having that absolute certainty is really refreshing.

[–]begonia_skies 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I hate online dating but I am also glad it exists. I work in a pretty closed off environment and I'm am introverted. I think you just have to have lines drawn for you that you do not want to cross and keep an eye out for someone you get a "spark" with. I just try and be honest in my profile, for example, I love pets but I am allergic to cats, since this a dealbreaker for anyone that owns a cat, I include that in my profile so I don't waste their time or mine. I also include that I am a lesbian, I'm not exactly totally against dating a bisexual woman but I would prefer to also date a lesbian. I would get flamed if I directly wrote that, so I put it out there to vaguely imply as such. I don't know if that works, so time will tell I guess lol. I am also pretty tall so I include my height since I have gone on dates with women who seemed surprised I was taller than they expected, but that is probably specific to me!

I think "ghosting" in the sense that you have plans and don't show up is extremely rude. But if you aren't getting a positive feeling from a recently started text conversation, letting it go isn't the end of the world. You can be direct and say you aren't interested, but most of us weren't socialized to be that direct, so I think most women can "read the signs" when someone isn't interested.

I like to meet up fairly quickly, but having a bit of a conversation beforehand to make sure you are compatible is my preferred method. If someone just out of the gates wants to meet up, with little discussion beforehand, it does throw me a little bit.

[–]Philliy 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Taking notes because I still don't know what I'm doing.

[–]LesbiSilly 2 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 4 fun -  (2 children)

"I'm trying to find a partner, not a clone."

I wish I could clone and marry myself so much.

[–]emilyprentiss[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Haha! I don't! I can be so crabby sometimes, especially when I'm hungry.

[–]LesbiSilly 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Hahah. I can get hangry, too. But sometimes I just get fed up with trying to find someone.

[–]CHI_burbs_LEZ 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Stick to being honest with yourself first and then choose your wording rather carefully when being honest with others. Your approach can convey your opinion without blatantly offending someone in the same breath.

Personally, I have had one successful match that lead to a two year relationship, but sadly have been caught up in the “delete, re-download, rinse and repeat until death” cycle ever since that ended two years ago. So there is hope.

Being an extrovert who loves to meet and mingle, I find the best way to approach a first meet up is to treat it like it’s a casual conversation between old friends that haven’t seen each other since grade school. Honest answers are the best and curious questions help to keep the conversation flowing. If it goes well, fingers crossed that there’s a second date in your future.

What kind of qualities are you looking for.?

If I may ask.?

[–]emilyprentiss[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh definitely. There's a difference between being honest and being rude, and it all lies in whether or not you have tact.

I like your tip - to go into it like you already know them, and you're catching up with them rather than worrying about the introductions, how you'll come off, impressions. Thank you!

Honestly, I'm introverted, but I get along with both introverts and extroverts, so that's not really an issue. I'm just skeptical because I'm looking for someone who is honest, kind, communicative, and introspective. And in my experience, women with all of these qualities combined are usually offline, in a bookshop or in a café, and not on a dating app. (Not saying never ever, just saying it's rarer.)