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[–]welp 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

This is why I stay away from commenting in lesbian spaces. I was married to two different men. I spent 24 years making myself attractive to men. When I was 15 or 16 I told my mom I thought I might be a lesbian and she said that's just a phase everyone goes through so I ignored it, pushed it down, and tried to build the life I was supposed to have. 50 years ago I probably would have managed to stay married to a man until my death and never realize I was missing something, cause I didn't understand what it was possible to feel. I know now because of lived experience that men are not for me. If this makes me not a lesbian, I will refrain from infringing on lesbian spaces.

[–]piylot 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I hope this place doesn't start turning within itself to hatefully gatekeeper like the L chat. I don't think we'll ever find a way to easily or peacefully distinguish who truly qualifies as a lesbian and who doesn't. I appreciate the women who contribute insightful comments and posts to this forum & hope this place doesn't shun out women who've had experiences like yours for the sake of a comfortable, easily defendable definition of who truly should be here.

I think people choose to have sex and have relationships for many reasons, sexual attraction is only one. Some people have real attachment or self esteem issues (not saying this is you) that mean they're not choosing relationships that make them happy. Some people feel immense pressure to please and assimilate to their family or community - you don't have to be religiously indoctrinated to fit that definition.

I've personally never slept with or been in a relationship with a male, but I think when I was 17/18 I could have gone along with a situation like that if I'd felt I owed it to someone, or like I was defective if I didn't. I'm very glad that I was never in that situation but I don't think that makes me more gay than women I know who've slept with men. What changed for me is not that I repressed or lost my attraction to men but that I began to believe that I didn't have to give men a chance, and that I don't have to participate in sexual situations I don't really want to participate in. I think while comp hey can be over-ascribed, there's a lot to be considered about how women are taught to interpret their attractions (eg all girls have girl crushes, women don't enjoy sex that much) and what women are taught about putting men's wants before their own comfort.

[–]Innisfree 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is a great, nuanced write up of the situation.

While I understand the urge to discuss this subject from a theoretical point of view, my own position is that it is best addressed on a case-by-case basis. That is, if a new user comes here to post about their specific life experiences and asks for opinions/help. For the general treatment may I humbly suggest using the search function on this sub before posting. And if not finding there your answers of course any contribution is welcome.