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[–]Jaded 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It seems like you already know for a fact that you're attracted to women, so I'm going to focus instead on the other factor that makes a woman a lesbian-- zero attraction to men.

One night stands are a pretty terrible way to judge if you enjoy sex with men or not. I've never been with one, but the understanding I have from straight and bisexual women is that short-term sex with male partners is almost always awful. Enjoyable sex seems to mostly proceed fron long-term partners.

Were you genuinely attracted to these men? Regardless of whether the sex itself sucked or not, did foreplay with them excite you? Did you initially look forward to sex? Or did you instead feel pressured to give in to their advances, or were you feeling low self esteem and needed to feel desired or wanted? Did you agree to sex because you're "supposed to?" Alternatively were you under the influence of drugs or alcohol and therefore unable to consent, in which case what happened was not sex but rape.

These are just some guiding introspective questions to think on while you figure things out. And remember it's possible (and okay!) to be a bisexual woman who is primarily attracted to women, or even a febfem (female-exclusive bisexual female) that consciously chooses to not date men whether for personal or feminist reasons.

As an aside, I've always known I'm a lesbian but the male body and physiology doesn't inherently bother me at all (though for some lesbians it does). Though I'm anti hardcore porn now, I used to occasionally use porn especially during puberty. Before I discovered there was lesbian porn I was stuck watching heterosexual porn and would focus exclusively on the woman. Whenever the video ever went to the guy I would lose interest, and I hated when videos cut to guys performing oral on women because that meant I was forced to look at some male's face and I would instantly lose any arousal I had and feel disgusted by it.

Heterosexual kissing scenes and sex scenes in movies and television don't bother me at all unless the romance is shoddy or the scene serves no point to the narrative. Interestingly though, simple nonsexual scenes where a topless guy wraps his arms around a woman and holds her close completely grosses me out, which admittedly seems kind of weird since I'm fine with the other stuff. I guess it seems more intimate and "real" so my reaction is real.

[–]CherryLatchmere[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh, yup...alcohol was involved in every experience. I don't feel taken advantage of, because they were super drunk too (and very kind and considerate, the sex just wasn't great lol) but I wouldn't do it again. I mean, I'm saying it as if it was a singular occasion, but that links me to the next part of your post - it was certainly a feeling of low self-esteem, if I'm being honest with myself. I do get a bit depressive after drinking; hence why I've cut back on my drinking massively. I really had to look at myself and the reasons behind sleeping with these guys to come to terms with that.

That's interesting about the non-sexual scenes, and it definitely makes sense. I think with those scenes I kinda just feel nothing. Straight romance rarely seems to excite me in that way. Everyone I know loved 'Normal People' - and don't get me wrong, I liked it - but rather from the angle of, 'oh, it's interesting to watch these people grow up and navigate life' rather than 'omg yes best couple ever!!'