I also wondered if some women tie being attractive to men into their self image

Yes, definitely. From my perspective, I've seen this when they insist on giving me "a makeover", or when they act concerned and even offended at how they judge my clothes not flattering enough. They often interpret it as self-hate. Or trauma. They can't wrap their head around the fact I'm not interested in looking pretty or feminine. And I'm not even gender non-conforming. I look pretty plain in fact. But lots show frustration at how I don't, ah, how do they put it... show my assets? Something like that.

Yeah, it's disheartening when it comes from someone close. Reminds me of my mother-in-law, last time I told her I met someone, she immediately went "a man??" lmao. Nope, sorry to disappoint, still homosexual. But this one is a case of "I clearly have no idea what homosexuality is" lol.

Geez, I'm frustrated. I wish I had a clear answer but all I can do is theorise endlessly. I never mustered the courage to ask point blank "why are you reacting like this". I bet they don't even know themselves.