you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–]HelloMomo 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, the eating disorders rates are quite high among the trans population. This isn't a secret: lots of trans people will tell you this too.

When I was 14 and had my period of dysphoria, the anorexia was the biggest part of it. I experienced them as basically one and the same. I've always been pretty slender, so the fat I was trying to stave away was my breasts and hips. I knew that this amount of fat was the normal, healthy kind that you're supposed to have. I just didn't care—I didn't like it, and I didn't want it, and so I was going to do what I could to get rid of it, "normal" be damned.

But in some ways, my dysphoria sort of helped me stop the disordered eating too? I've never heard anyone else with a story like this, and I'm curious if I'm the only one this has ever happened to. But at the time, I didn't know that disordered eating was super common among trans people. The only model I had for disordered eating was "stupid straight girls who want to look like barbies because they've internalized dumb societal shit." (In hindsight I was a pretty mean and judgey 14-year-old.) And because I conceptualized disordered eating as so feminine, and that was at odds with my self-image, I was like, "Well why are you acting like a dumb straight girl?" And that really held me back from going too far with it, in some ways.

My view of disordered eating as feminine also played a role in which techniques I used. I treated my anorexia as an test of endurance, in contrast to the intricate, detail-focused anorexia I've heard other people describe. For example, I never counted calories, and I didn’t pay overmuch attention to which foods I ate — I would just fast. I never ate lunch, and other meals might be small. Talking about calories seemed like a stupid straight girl thing, while enduring hunger seemed tough and strong. I could endure a famine and survive it. Calories felt capitalistic and artificial, while good old-fashioned hunger seemed naturalistic.