For real, though, I do have done all of these. Not necessarily in that order, but they did emerge over time. I feel terrible looking back. I loved her with all my heart and I threw it away and in breaking her heart, she broke mine in return.

My narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder or whatever it is quickly turns romantic lovers from objects of affection into paranoia based objects of subservience and manipulation. It's disgusting

Since I realized the shitty dark things that overlay my core and how they manifest, I have been working to try to short circuit them as they emerge in relationships, at least.

Still, it is definitely there in me and I will do my damnedest to lock the bad parts away. Some parts of it are useful, but certainly not in relationships or friendships. I still miss her every day.

Sorry T.L.C. Never again.