How to make peace with being a lesbian as a 16yo with no lesbian friends

submitted by QueenOfTheNorth from (self.Lesbians)

sorted by:
top
newinsightfulfun
you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–]oofreesouloo 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Omg, this really hit home.

I. know. Exactly. How. You. Feel.

I've been exactly there where you are now. I've realised I was a lesbian at 14 totally randomly and by myself when puberty hit... I did not know ANYONE gay or bi or anything besides straight. It was so hard for me to accept exactly for the same reasons as you:

I feel very disconnected to all of my girl friends and since a lot of bonding is usually about males,

I'll never be like everyone else, I'll never relate to 95% of the population who is opposite sex attracted, and it's so hard to accept.

and my straight friends are incredibly boy crazy. It makes sense because at our age we're just discovering ourselves but it makes me feel so lonely.

You will eventually learn to love yourself if you allow to. It's ok not to feel ok. Unfortunately, this world is STILL very heteronormative and not oriented towards homosexual people at all. You're definitely not alone.

I'm 23 now. Lots of things have happened, I've grown and learnt to embrace it. I know what it's like to feel totally alienated from practically everyone, on a daily basis for those reasons. I "look" like a "typical" woman, yet I'm so far from being the "typical" woman. I still feel those exact things you feel. The difference is that now I've learnt to accept them, to embrace them. To look at my homosexuality as just another trait of mine, not a flaw or an anomaly (because it can surely feel like it is when you feel so alone and when you don't get the support you need, in particular from your family). I think the ONLY way I have to "alleviate" this constant "out of place" feeling I have on a daily basis would be to meet other lesbians. Think about this - we're the ONLY female demographic that doesn't like males. It's perfectly normal to feel like you don't "understand them" at that level.

Oh!! And it gets easier with time. In college, it's very likely that you meet a ton of variety of people and that people won't be so obsessed with dating. And finding friends who truly support you will help too.

You're beautiful just the way you are, believe me. And you, as a lesbian, have an "unique" perspective to look at the world. I don't know what else to say, just that I really really understand you so well and just wanted to give you a hug.

You'll be okay <3 Feel free to pm me, if you ever need to talk.

[–]QueenOfTheNorth[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you so much for this comment, it really made me feel a lot better to hear that you learned to accept all of this with time. It's just so hard because not only do you feel alienated for being a lesbian in and of itself, but also the mere experience of having to struggle with something like this is something unique to lesbian/gay people. Even bisexual can just sort of pretend and only act on their opposite sex attraction so it doesn't really count to the same extent. Having to grapple with such a huge part of most people's identity and make peace with something that straight people just take for granted, well no one gets it and how could they?

You have to carry around this secret in fear and shame because you never know how people are going to react, I feel like I can't even tell female friends without them thinking I'm hitting on them. It's this constant weight on my mind right now, probably because it's so new to me as a realisation and because i don't have any lesbian friends. It sucks that even in the most "progressive" countries there's so much lesbophobia and I'll always have to be wary of who I tell I have a girlfriend if I ever have one, that I'll have to be so careful with something straight people never even think about. I'm jealous honestly and it makes me sad. I hope this makes sense. I know people are discriminated for other things too, but those things are usually immediately apparent, like race and being disabled and being a woman, etc. The fact that you can't really tell who's gay or not makes it so much harder because you never know who will be cool with it and who won't, who's secretly a lesbian hater and who isn't, until you tell them and then you can't take it back...

[–]oofreesouloo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, I know it's hard to accept. I remember being a little younger than you and thinking "why are my friends and colleagues simply worried about what they're going to do on the weekend or what they want to do with their friends while I have to worry if they'll accept me, if I won't lose friends, if they'll continue to talk to me..." It used to make me very depressed and angry at the same time. You gotta know it's not your fault. And that if someone's not okay with you being a lesbian, it is NOT your fault. It's very important that you learn self love in this stage, and that people who aren't okay are the ones who are bad. It gets better, stay strong <3 (and as you can see by the comments, lots of people have ft the same way :) so definitely you're not alone)