How to make peace with being a lesbian as a 16yo with no lesbian friends

submitted by QueenOfTheNorth from self.Lesbians

I hope this sort of post is okay, I would try reddit but all lgbt nevermind lesbian spaces on there make me want to gouge my eyes out and this is the only sane spot I've discovered, so yeah. I'm 16 and have recently been struggling with my sexuality and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice.

I've recently realised I'm a lesbian and it has been the most alienating and lonely discovery about myself. I feel very disconnected to all of my girl friends and since a lot of bonding is usually about males, I now realise that the reason I can never talk about male crushes isn't because I haven't found the right one yet, it's because no boy is the right boy. I used to say to my friends in a joking manner that every boy in the school was unattractive to me and they'd laugh along and agree and then talk about their crushes, etc, but honestly the more I realise I'll never experience that the more those topics bore me.

I don't know any lesbian or bi girls my age, although I know plenty of the pan and nonbinary variety, so I feel like I can't relate to anyone because I don't buy into any of that stuff. To me, there's just gay, bisexual and straight and maybe asexual but that's it, the rest is made up because we're not creative enough to make a new emo. So right away, anyone "queer" I could relate to, I can't relate to, and my straight friends are incredibly boy crazy. It makes sense because at our age we're just discovering ourselves but it makes me feel so lonely.

I'll never be like everyone else, I'll never relate to 95% of the population who is opposite sex attracted, and it's so hard to accept. I'm a pretty average person in other areas but it feels like there's a huge divide between me and other girls now and looking back, I understand a lot of the alienation I experienced before my teen years. I was always dubbed weird for no reason, and I always had very intense female friendships with one girl at a time, I never dated a boy. Actually one time I agreed to date a boy for an hour as a dare when I was like 10 and it made me so uncomfortable I "broke up" with him ten minutes in. I don't even have anyone to talk to about how I'm feeling.

I've gathered enough evidence to know my parents fully expect me to have kids and think I'll change my mind and be a baby making housewife and my mom will be crushed by this and also won't believe me, or she'll take it as a personal failure. And it would be so much easier if I could just be normal. I'd have such an easier time relating to people socially, I don't know. Any words of wisdom?

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[–]MyLongestJourney 16 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

To me, there's just gay, bisexual and straight and maybe asexual but that's it, the rest is made up because we're not creative enough to make a new emo.

LGB quote of the year.

[–]QueenOfTheNorth[S] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don't understand why certain people want to be different in such a boring way as by making up a sexuality or a gender, it's being different without actually putting in any work and that's boring. I can't help being lesbian and it makes me about as interesting as what country and year I was born in, its a simple fact of my birth. Get an unusual hobby or something, weird identity labels don't build you as a person

[–]Lesbianvodkaaunt 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

There’s lots of varying reasons. To be honest, one reason is because straight, white kids don’t feel like they have a “say” in politics any more since they aren’t in a minority group... so they’re making minority groups to feel like their voice matters. Its honestly just more meaningful to admit you aren’t a minority but support them, but that doesn’t get you the recognition of being a minority, so pretending will have to do for some people... that isn’t everyone of course, some people are just questioning and caught up in all the confusing labels that have been creating to describe every micro-identity. Its also a sort of western individualism, we feel like we have to have some sort of key word to describe our whole personality and identity to anyone in a few words, instead of just explaining your preferences to people as you get to know them. Lots of “sexualities” are things that are really preferences, not a sexual orientation. For example not liking people you don’t know well aka “demisexual” isn’t its own sexual orientation, just a preference within someone’s sexual orientation. We’re just at a weird point (possibly because of the internet and social media encouraging us to summarize our whole selves in “bios”?) where we feel the need to have tiny individualized labels to describe our whole identities without talking in depth about ourselves.

[–]oofreesouloo 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Omg, this really hit home.

I. know. Exactly. How. You. Feel.

I've been exactly there where you are now. I've realised I was a lesbian at 14 totally randomly and by myself when puberty hit... I did not know ANYONE gay or bi or anything besides straight. It was so hard for me to accept exactly for the same reasons as you:

I feel very disconnected to all of my girl friends and since a lot of bonding is usually about males,

I'll never be like everyone else, I'll never relate to 95% of the population who is opposite sex attracted, and it's so hard to accept.

and my straight friends are incredibly boy crazy. It makes sense because at our age we're just discovering ourselves but it makes me feel so lonely.

You will eventually learn to love yourself if you allow to. It's ok not to feel ok. Unfortunately, this world is STILL very heteronormative and not oriented towards homosexual people at all. You're definitely not alone.

I'm 23 now. Lots of things have happened, I've grown and learnt to embrace it. I know what it's like to feel totally alienated from practically everyone, on a daily basis for those reasons. I "look" like a "typical" woman, yet I'm so far from being the "typical" woman. I still feel those exact things you feel. The difference is that now I've learnt to accept them, to embrace them. To look at my homosexuality as just another trait of mine, not a flaw or an anomaly (because it can surely feel like it is when you feel so alone and when you don't get the support you need, in particular from your family). I think the ONLY way I have to "alleviate" this constant "out of place" feeling I have on a daily basis would be to meet other lesbians. Think about this - we're the ONLY female demographic that doesn't like males. It's perfectly normal to feel like you don't "understand them" at that level.

Oh!! And it gets easier with time. In college, it's very likely that you meet a ton of variety of people and that people won't be so obsessed with dating. And finding friends who truly support you will help too.

You're beautiful just the way you are, believe me. And you, as a lesbian, have an "unique" perspective to look at the world. I don't know what else to say, just that I really really understand you so well and just wanted to give you a hug.

You'll be okay <3 Feel free to pm me, if you ever need to talk.

[–]QueenOfTheNorth[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you so much for this comment, it really made me feel a lot better to hear that you learned to accept all of this with time. It's just so hard because not only do you feel alienated for being a lesbian in and of itself, but also the mere experience of having to struggle with something like this is something unique to lesbian/gay people. Even bisexual can just sort of pretend and only act on their opposite sex attraction so it doesn't really count to the same extent. Having to grapple with such a huge part of most people's identity and make peace with something that straight people just take for granted, well no one gets it and how could they?

You have to carry around this secret in fear and shame because you never know how people are going to react, I feel like I can't even tell female friends without them thinking I'm hitting on them. It's this constant weight on my mind right now, probably because it's so new to me as a realisation and because i don't have any lesbian friends. It sucks that even in the most "progressive" countries there's so much lesbophobia and I'll always have to be wary of who I tell I have a girlfriend if I ever have one, that I'll have to be so careful with something straight people never even think about. I'm jealous honestly and it makes me sad. I hope this makes sense. I know people are discriminated for other things too, but those things are usually immediately apparent, like race and being disabled and being a woman, etc. The fact that you can't really tell who's gay or not makes it so much harder because you never know who will be cool with it and who won't, who's secretly a lesbian hater and who isn't, until you tell them and then you can't take it back...

[–]oofreesouloo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, I know it's hard to accept. I remember being a little younger than you and thinking "why are my friends and colleagues simply worried about what they're going to do on the weekend or what they want to do with their friends while I have to worry if they'll accept me, if I won't lose friends, if they'll continue to talk to me..." It used to make me very depressed and angry at the same time. You gotta know it's not your fault. And that if someone's not okay with you being a lesbian, it is NOT your fault. It's very important that you learn self love in this stage, and that people who aren't okay are the ones who are bad. It gets better, stay strong <3 (and as you can see by the comments, lots of people have ft the same way :) so definitely you're not alone)

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]QueenOfTheNorth[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Thank you, I hope so too <3

    [–]just_lesbian_things 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    A lot of lesbians were roughly in your position at one point or another. When I was a preteen/teenaged lesbian, I was very afraid of adult lesbians because in those days, lesbian children were unheard of and homosexual adults were portrayed as drug addicted sex predators. So in some ways, you're already way ahead of the game.

    In general, I'd say it wouldn't hurt to take a look at what other women are doing. People don't always give good advice, so it's better to take things into your own hands. If you see someone who is doing something you want to do or is somewhere you want to be (a job you want, a lifestyle you want), it's a good idea to find out the steps they took to get there and tailor them to your own situation. There's a lot more option for women these days, but you should still play your hand carefully and weigh your benefits. Try to put yourself into a position where you can make choices. I see a lot of lesbian (and bihet) women get stuck in the home-maker role when they had other aspirations because they can't get over their mindset (see: real late bloomer lesbians). Be realistic, but also check your mindset to make sure you're not limiting yourself.

    It is not usual for your parents to want the best life for you, even if they're initially disappointed and find the truth hard to swallow. The trans fad will probably blow over in another 5-10 years.

    Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about not connecting with anyone in high school. I'm not in touch with any of my high school classmates. Unless you go to an extraordinary high school, it's going to be a small pond, and the rest of the world is always going to be a lot bigger. It's not to say that you'll definitely make meaningful connections outside of highschool, but not having that in high school isn't necessarily indicative of a deeper problem.

    [–]berlin13 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I know exactly how you feel, that was me 9 years ago. It might sound cliche but it does get better. The world might seem crazy right now but I can guarantee that you will meet amazing people in your life, both friends and partners. And you will redefine (not in the nonsense way the queer bunch does, in a real way) what it means to be a woman to you. It’s a process, a tiring, painful, and confusing one at times but still a beautiful process. I’m still not finished and that’s part of the charm! You’ll find like minded people, role models, anti role models... take your time and look inside! Being a lesbian is a beautiful thing. Coming out to parents is always difficult, more so if you can tell they will have a hard time, but there’s no rush, you are young, and you’ll see that many things that seem impossible now or at least highly unlikely, tend to work out in the end. Online communities were crucial to me growing up as a way to ‘make up’ for the lack or irl support I had, so it makes me sad that mainstream social media is in such a state at the moment.. i feel for teenagers. There are still good corners on the internet though, this being one of them, and as of the rest i’d say take anything good they have to offer and ignore the rest as well as you can

    [–]lovelyspearmint 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I know it's tough to deal with right now, but take your time, feel your way around the world and don't rush into friendships/relationships if you're not super comfortable. You're still young, and especially these days, there are ton of people IRL and online who claim to be something they're not, and until things mellow out, it might be tricky to meet someone who feels the same way you do about these issues. Just be patient, as difficult as that may be.

    Don't for one moment think you're not normal. You're just the way you're supposed to be, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    [–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I would also say to give it time. Give yourself some time and slow down. Sixteen is young; you have so much time ahead of you to meet other people and make lesbian friends. I know that's not super helpful, you might be feeling overwhelmed right now, IDK. I was and am still overwhelmed with how alienating it feels to be a lesbian, and I'm 25. You're right, we can't relate to the vast majority of other women and people might treat us differently once they find out. But as someone who also gets discriminated by something that is apparent, I've come to realize that people will hate you for all sorts of reasons and there's nothing you can do about it. I know you're afraid of how people will react once they find out you're gay, but do you really want to be friends with someone who's homophobic? If your friends care about you, they won't care that you're gay. If they care that you're gay, they're probably not very good friends to begin with.

    So I guess in the mean time, while you wait to figure things out, work on yourself. Develop confidence in yourself. Being a lesbian is hard; it's rare. You're going to have to go it alone in a lot of cases. Having lesbian friends will probably help, but you can't rely on that alone either. Not all lesbians are alike; they might not even relate to you as well as your straight friends, who knows? But because you're 16, I'd also say to not put too much effort on it yet. You're young and right now you've probably got a million other things to worry about, so just try to believe in yourself and try to feel good about yourself just the way you are. Don't get too bogged down with how different things are as a lesbian.

    As for telling your family, maybe wait until you're financially independent? IDK what the risk of getting kicked out/cut off is for you, but even if there's no risk of that, you might care less of what your parents think when you're able to make your own choices. As for the fear of your mom being crushed by this, well IDK. As of right now, you don't know for sure that she will be crushed by this. When my mom first suspected I was a lesbian she was furious for whatever reason. But when I finally told her I'm a lesbian, she completely forgot about her first reaction and didn't care that I'm gay, which was a total WTF moment for me but hey, at least she accepts me. The point is, after you tell them, give them some time too. Even if they are disappointed or crushed at first, eventually they might come around. Who knows? And even if they won't, you might be at a point where it doesn't hurt you. You might feel sad, but you won't be crushed by it.

    [–]britishblue 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Sorry, I don't have anything positive to say, but imo you have more time to accept yourself since you are still in highschool and I am kind of jealous of that. I also have found that the support groups that exist are aimed towards teens so you could try that.

    I relate to all you said, both the queer stuff and wanting to be normal

    I'm a pretty average person in other areas but it feels like there's a huge divide between me and other girls now

    For me this feels like a huge joke. All my life I wanted to find community, fit in, have a career and a family and I have made decisions to ensure this future but now it feels like a big fat prank. Sometimes I think there is no point to study and plan out career or make any close friends because at the end of the day I will never be normal and never have a life I want solely because of my sexuality. My whole teenage years I wished to not be depressed, to move out, to have capacity to impact and shape my life and now that I have it/I'm close to it, it has no meaning anymore.

    [–]Lesbianvodkaaunt 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I felt a lot like you do when I was younger. I’m not too much older than you now, I’m 21 and in my last semester of college, so I’m not some wise old person or anything, but I have the perspective of someone from your own generation, going through this crazy social media obsessed, politically weird culture while growing up. I’ve found it sort of hard to find other women who agree with me politically to date, but as I’ve grown up I’ve realized I am happy enough with my life the way it is, and I can wait for the right person, instead of trying to make it work with people I know I won’t get along with. As far as female friendships go, they’ve gotten much easier in college, because people have a wider variety of interests and the girls I know are less “boy crazy” because they’ve dated before and aren’t going through their first significant crushes and relationships any more. Teen girls talk about boys more than adult women because they’re just starting out with their love life/ figuring out dating, and its hard to do without talking to friends about it. This doesn’t make it less awkward to be a lesbian in group of straight girls talking about boy crushes, but it does get better as you get older and the girls you know get more used to dating, and won’t want to talk about it every second of the day. A good thing about being a young lesbian right now is that we have to internet to find each other on and don’t have to go through the period of being an awkward teenage lesbian without finding any other lesbians to talk to!

    [–]Gacho666 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    You have made me remember how I felt at 16, in my case I started to like a girl and I wanted to shout it, if you need to come here to talk about your things, about your parents you don't have to say it now, you can wait to get back financially Independent, focus on your studies and tell that to your parents how much you focus on studies, heck I think I'm not good with advice but I hope that at least some of my words will serve you. calm you are young work on yourself to become a confident, assertive person, improve your communication skills, negotiation, in your personal and spiritual growth