How to cope with fear of (potentially) being forever alone?

submitted by RedVelvetCake from (self.Lesbians)

Hi! I'm 20 years old and since I came to terms with my sexuality a couple months ago, I started worrying that what if I'll never find a girlfriend? Before I came to accept my sexuality, I strongly believe that we shouldn't be relying on people for our own happiness, and I basically lived by the motto because I wasn't interested in romance (I thought I was asexual). But after accepting my sexuality and knowing that I actually want to be in a relationship, it has become harder for me to live with my motto, even though I still believe in it.

There are things I can control to increase the likelihood of finding a partner (e.g. through self-improvement), but there are other aspects that are totally out of my control (e.g. smaller dating pool). Plus, it doesn't help with the fact that I'll only be able to join the dating pool a couple years later when I'm in my mid- or late-20s because I'm planning on saving up for a few years before I move to somewhere else (leaning towards Canada for now). Unfortunately, the dating pool for lesbians in the place I'm residing in is close to non existent because homosexuality isn't widely accepted here. This concern has been bugging me for awhile now (probably because of COVID, since I've been staying at home a lot) and I don't really know how to cope with it.

Does anyone else have this concern? How do you get your mind off of this?

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[–]TalerTest 16 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

Guys the dating pool isn't that small. If seek out women who want women, you will find them. No need to be afraid about being forever alone. If you move to Canada, I'm sure you'll find someone.

[–]lovelyspearmint 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Depends on where you live. There is a single gay bar in my capital city, and it's a drag bar, so the whole TQ crowd are there as well as tons of straight people.

[–]TalerTest 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

There's no gay bar where I live. But there's some lesbian meetup groups I know of (sports groups, book clubs, etc). Maybe you can search online for meetups in your local area when life goes back to normal.

[–]RedVelvetCake[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

If you guys don't mind sharing, which province are you living in? I'm thinking of moving to Ontario (probably somewhere near Toronto), but I don't really know how the dating pool is near that area. I understand things will probably be different in the future, but I'm curious about how things are like in the present!

[–]TalerTest 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sorry I live in the UK so I can't really help much there. But if I can find other women in a city with a population of 1 million, then I'm sure you would be able to find someone in a place like Toronto.

[–]lovelyspearmint 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'll try that, thanks :)

[–]lovelyspearmint 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm a bit older, mid-twenties but I didn't realise I was a lesbian until I was about 20 or so. There's a very small dating pool where I live, and most dating apps are covered in transbians, bicurious women or 'lesbians' who have photographs of themselves kissing guys. I've also got a health condition which makes it difficult for me to live with someone and we would have to live separately, which isn't everyone's cup of tea.

The best way to look at it is to realise you've still got a lot for life ahead of you. Hopefully things will change for the better when you move to Canada, but the important thing is to not get hung up on not having anyone. You're at a disadvantage to begin with, since (actual) lesbians only make up a tiny amount of the population, not to mention a lot are either closeted or try to seem straight.

Right now, dating is very difficult with the TQ brigade messing everything up, so perhaps by the time you're in the dating pool, people will be over that shit and you'll have a chance to meet someone decent :) Good luck!!!

[–]RedVelvetCake[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight! It really sucks to hear that dating apps are dominated by people who aren't lesbians. Theoretically, dating apps would make our lives so much easier but unfortunately, that isn't really the case. And given the current climate with the trans movement in the West, I'd also feel unsafe to actively look for a girlfriend if I were there...

And I'm sorry to hear about your health condition, I hope you're doing well! Wishing you all the best!

[–]Lesbianese 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm 21 and in a similar but somewhat more extreme situation. Came to terms with my sexuality when I was young and dated a handful of girls, even had some sexual experiences in my early teens. Then my chronic illness got more intense and I became "special needs", now I'm too sick to do most things and due to my brain condition, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to live independently again which as far as I'm concerned means no girlfriend. I'm not gonna force the woman I love to become a nurse, I saw how that impacted my parents' marriage and they'd already been together for 15 years at that point. So, now I'm celibate for an indeterminate amount of time.

The way I cope is by remembering even if I die without romantic love, I will always have the love of my friends and family.

From my POV, though, I'd say that you're young and women tend to have a long life span, all you need to do is put yourself out there and women will eventually come to you. :)

[–]RedVelvetCake[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a rough condition... You're absolutely right about appreciating the love we receive from our friends and family. I sometimes have the tendency to focus on the future rather than the present, which causes me to overlook things that bring me joy in the present.

Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom and advice! I wish you happiness and good health! Please stay strong!

[–]Lesbianese 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I sometimes have the tendency to focus on the future rather than the present, which causes me to overlook things that bring me joy in the present.

Was like that when I was younger. Totally understandable.

Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom and advice! I wish you happiness and good health! Please stay strong!

No problem, I'm glad it was helpful. Thanks for the well-wishes :)

[–]Elvira95 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Oh damn, that's my fear too and sometime I've hoped to be bi for having more options, I'm only child and when my parents die I feel like I will be very alone, focusing on the future and always thinking the worst is my cup of tea, because of anxiety disorder,and I'm even older and in worst situation than you. The thing I can advice is try to distract yourself when bad thoughts come up. The mroe you think about something, the more worst scenario will come to your mind. You need to think about something else and hope for the best. I'm from Italy, but hope to move to the Uk. Canada can be very isolating because it's super big and with small population, so depending on where you live, the dating poll could be jusr as bad. USA suck, but has far more bigger cities to choose from, so as lesbian maybe is better.

[–]VioletRemi 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I am pretty sure you will find your love and place in life, with your new determination~

[–]Elvira95 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

For now I've found you...

[–]SailorMoon2020 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Where are you at now? Canada has a population of less than 40 million compared to the U.S that has less than 400 million and Mexico which has less than 200 million. If you're in the U.S. why are you wanting to go from a heavily populated area to a a heavily low one? Especially Canada has gave in to the TRAs?

I agree w/ TT. You're not the only one who has this 'woe is me' way of seeing life. This outlook on life, confidence, and over all improvement of your mental and physical health will help your find a girlfriend.

Co-dependency is very popular in the lesbian community as well as low self esteem. This is probably why the lesbian community is so easy to manipulate and infiltrate compared to other communities. So many women and young girls have the mentality of an incel regards to obtaining a girlfriend.

Work on self love first.

[–]Hydiee 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Co-dependency is very popular in the lesbian community as well as low self esteem. This is probably why the lesbian community is so easy to manipulate and infiltrate compared to other communities.

I agree with the co-dependency and low self esteem thing, but I don't think that's why the lesbian community is easy to infiltrate. No amount of high self esteem is going to stop men and straight/bi women from taking over our shit. They just outnumber us

[–]RedVelvetCake[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm currently living in one of the larger cities in East Asia. The reason why I'm currently leaning towards Canada is because I personally prefer some of the policies/laws in Canada over the ones in the US. But I'll be reflecting on my decision again because I didn't take into consideration of the progress of the TRA movement in Canada. I assumed the situation in the US was a little worse than Canada, but based on what you said, my assumption was wrong. So I'll be following more closely to the TRA movement for the next couple of years before I settle on a destination.

I also agree with you that self-improvement (especially in self-esteem and mentality) is extremely important. I've been trying to seriously improve myself (and just generally trying to understand myself better) around 6 months ago, but I haven't made a huge progress yet. Hopefully, by the time I move to somewhere else, I'll have more experiences and will be at a better mental and physical state.

I really appreciate your insights, I'll try to incorporate more ways to improve myself first, and learn to accept and love myself.

[–]sunzzy 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I have the same fear , I guess its because I live in such a small town and the only other lesbian I know doesn't like me... I'm still holding onto the hope that I will find someone though. It won't be too long til I start going to uni in London so hopefully I'll be able to meet more people there.

I don't have any advice for how to get rid of that fear, although it seems to definitely be a common one. I'd say spend some time looking at what there is in the places you are thinking of moving to , try to look at the exciting parts of the future not the uncertain or scary parts. Thats what I am doing.

Theres no reason to feel hopeless about it yet , we are both still young and there is no rule saying that you have to have met the love of your life by a certain age.

[–]RedVelvetCake[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thanks for your input! I generally have this bad habit of looking at things from a (relatively) pessimistic point of view and it's been one of the things I've been working on. Though I haven't really made much of a progress yet, I really need to start being more conscious of my thoughts and trying to look at the brighter side of life...

And I hope you'll find someone in uni! You'll meet all sorts of people there, so it'll definitely increase your chance of meeting someone who you click with. Good luck and hope you enjoy your uni life!

[–]sunzzy 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks, and don't worry we all are guilty of being pessimistic sometimes and its ok to admit when you're feeling lonely. I don't think a fear of being alone forever is just a lesbian thing, my straight friends worry about it too, but I'm sure you have lots of things that make you brilliant and one day someone will appreciate it!