Like, now when I am 23, I am being seen as a weird guy, I sit alone, I am constantly detaching myself from reality, however my grades and plans towards the future and things I do keep this facade that I might be just slightly weird, that I am focused on my stuff and soon there will be someone for me, a partner with whom I will settle my life.

But I know this will never happen, it's just not possible. However now people will never ever admit it, they will not even start this topic that much, since I don't attend any weddings, I stopped going to some family gatherings (I refuse to do this alone now) - I am not being forced with those "Where is girlfriend hahaha" or "when will you being someone?". In fact, even among few friends that I have - they clearly know I am alone and I think they are assured that I don't try and don't want to be in relationship.

Since they don't ask, I don't have to answer to this shit. But after fixing my head and losing hope entirely, I really want them to ask. I am tired of this invisibility and I do want others to ask me. Whenever they will ask me why I won't attend some shit family party or come to a wedding, just go near church - "I'm not going to be humiliated alone".

Why don't you come to ending party at uni? "Because you don't want me there and there is none who would go with me."

It's weird, but I have a feeling that many people don't realize in how fucked up mentally state I am. I'm pretending to be fine as I can manage my daily routine quite easily, but I work on autopilot. I want them informed how do I feel, but I don't bother to do this by myself. I don't want to go and talk this to them, unless they ask. And they will ask in the future, I can bet. Since most likely around 30s will be my departure time, I want them all informed, how do I feel and how much do I hate this shit pretending. I cannot be myself, I cannot say anything I feel irl, I need to act like everything is okay.

But nothing is okay with this world, nothing is okay with what I was given in life and nothing is okay with retardation of this world. I just want to fill this information into skulls of each and every normie. That their behaviour ruined my life, that there is no hope and that they are responsible for how do I feel. I want them to feel bad with this information. It's definitely a huge cope, because I am almost certain no one gives a shit, but I still want to do it.