I almost completely agree with you. I'm not super sure where I've landed on other people doing consensual things in privacy.

What I know I'm super sure about is that shaming anyone for "vanilla" sex is the worst.

Very recently, a friend of mine was shamed by a so called feminist man she met on Tinder, using exactly this word - "vanilla". She said she hasn't tried anal sex and is also not interested in it, and he dismissively called her vanilla. She wasn't as incensed as I was about it, but after we'd discussed it a bit, she did think it warranted some push back. So she told him it isn't cool to shame her for her sex-related boundaries, and he said he "wasn't judging". Really? Why would you feel the need to call a prospective sex-partner boring, if not to judge them as a sex-partner? She then asked him if HE would want to be anally penetrated, since as a man he's got a prostate and will feel it more, and suddenly he was all defensive and "I'm vanilla too". Except he called only her vanilla to begin with when they were discussing sex, and admitted to his own vanillaness only after she pushed back the next time they talked.

It was so obvious he'd never even considered the question. As a straight-man he was so sure he should get to put his penis anywhere he wants to, and a woman who disagrees is being a boring stick in the mud. But his anus is obviously not in play.

This type of man uses "feminist" like a weapon to disarm women. I'm so mad even thinking about him again.