Transitioning spouses

submitted by Yellowlamp from (self.GenderCritical)

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[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I think the women in the hetero relationships are taught to center the man. I also think there's an element that like suddenly being in a "lesbian" or "queer" relationship - they are mostly white couples, who suddenly have a reason to not fall into the evil oppressor (white, cishet middle/upper middle class) category that's currently being socially demonized. You also have the few who reject it (the trans widows) who are socially ostracized, and I'm sure some of the accepting women see the threat of losing their social circle as reason to support.

The women in lesbian relationships aren't really changing the partner's identity (I've yet to see a lesbian couple with a partner transition that starts claiming "actual man" and straight relationship status), and you never see a gay male committed relationship where one transitions, probably because they've already accepted themselves as they are and found a partner who accepts them as they are. We're also in a time where western society's progressive side no longer really gives a shit about gay men but are still fetishizing lesbian women. (I do think most transitioning later in life lesbians I've met are doing so from internalized misogyny/homophobia due to the fetishization of lesbians).

[–]Anna_Nym 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Evan Urquhart and his wife mostly fit the lesbian couple description. He and his wife have both written about how his transition raised identity issues for them because of that change from lesbian couple to straight couple.

One of the lesbian detrans women I follow on Twitter also wrote an article about the tensions that transition caused for her marriage. I can't remember exactly what she wrote, but I think it's on 4thWaveNow. Of course, she detransitioned.

I don't know if you're familiar with the writer Danny Lavery/Mallory Ortberg of the Toast. Pre-transition, Mallory identified as a lesbian woman. Post-transition, Danny married Grace Lavery... a not-particularly-passing transwoman. Grace is also fairly far in the "I have always been a woman and have never had male privilege" camp of trans writer (despite getting tenure while holding herself out to the world as a man and IIRC, graduating from an elite all-boys school). They also both identify as queer and as a queer couple. I've always wondered how they reconcile this with their simultaneous claim that they are a man and a woman, which should make them just a boring straight couple.