Women identifying as non binary lesbians but dating exclusively men?

submitted by radikaalirusina from (self.GenderCritical)

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[–]Rivergirl 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (16 children)

I have a gal friend who I crushed on back in college. We had a conversation where I was trying to feel out if she would ever be into a woman. She told me “I like dick too much to ever be a lesbian” She is now engaged to the man she started dating in high school and she shaved part of her head, wears a boy tie, came out as bisexual, and calls herself queer. She’s never dated a woman.

I am married to a man now and don’t call myself bisexual. I’ve never dated a woman and a few crushes in highschool and college don’t seem like enough for me to claim bisexuality.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (15 children)

I didn't realize you had to date people of both sexes to be able to claim that you are bisexual. What do you call a lesbian who never dates? By your logic, is that "enough" for her to claim being a lesbian? One can be bisexual, sexually attracted to both sexes, while having a strong preference for dick.

[–]Rivergirl 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (14 children)

I get what you’re saying. With it being about attraction and not life choices. I just feel like it would be a misrepresentation to call myself anything other than straight, being married to a man and never having dated a woman.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (13 children)

My issue was not on how you labeled yourself, but how you are judging your gal friend. "came out as bisexual... She’s never dated a woman."

[–]Rivergirl 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

It does seem kinda disingenuous to me, though. It looks to me like a straight woman who wanted a “special” identity.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (11 children)

To her own words back in college "I like dick too much to ever be a lesbian". She doesn't say "I'm not attracted to women", she just has a genital preference to dick. You're being judgmental and this is no way related to OP's post. OP's post is a valid complaint as wtf IS a non-binary lesbian who dates only men-- it does not make sense.

[–]Rivergirl 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

OP talked about people putting on an identity to feel special. It seemed related to me. Isn’t part of the point of gender critical to be able to discuss gender issues? I’m sorry that you find my take judgemental, but it really sounds like you are just using the word “judgemental” to shame me for being wrong rather than respond in good faith.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I didn't realize that an actual women claiming to be bisexual while being engaged to the man she's been with since high school was a gender issue. What do you expect her to do? Break up with someone she has dated since high school and prove her sexuality to you by dating a woman? You are shaming actual women who are bisexual that are with men.

[–]Rivergirl 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

No, I just don’t think that a women who has never engaged romantically or sexually with a woman and has no plans to ever do so should call themselves bisexual.

Gender critical used to be a place to discuss women’s issues from a radical feminist perspective. I would count how one labels their sexuality as part of that discussion. Have we moved on from examining women as a class and on to individual “whatever I say about myself goes” feminism?

Edit: missed a word that changed the meaning

[–]NDG 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I'm in the same situation as your friend - with man I've been with since high school, never dated a woman. Calling myself straight would be a lie.

It would erase years of agonizing over attraction to women, and trying to explain those feelings away as "something else." It would erase my teenage unrequited feelings for a friend of mine, which were passionate and intense and basically consumed my sophomore year of high school. It would erase the temptations I had to cheat on my then-boyfriend with a woman while at college. Yeah, I'm a "straight woman" - the kind with lifelong feelings of sexual attraction to women. Makes about as much sense as a woman with a penis.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You don't know if she never plans to do it in the future.

Again, what do you call a lesbian who never has engaged romantically or sexually with another person but is only sexually attracted to women?

Edit: What if it was a woman claimed to be bisexual, but only dated women, and had no intentions of dating a man? Would that be incorrect? Last I checked, sexuality was based on sexual attraction, not who you want to date. If you have same sex attraction, then you are not straight.

[–]NDG 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Exactly. I was lucky enough to meet the love of my life early on, and it would be incredibly stupid for me to reject the best person in my life just to "prove" I had a genuine attraction to women.

[–]Anna_Nym 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Making judgments on other people is part of how we move through life in a society. Just having a bisexual orientation doesn't give a person any experience or insight into same-sex relationships or into homosexuality as a marginalized identity. You need to actually LIVE as the identity to understand anything through it.

I've seen a lot of bisexual women and men perform at/speak at/otherwise take up reputation and financial building spaces at gay pride and other gay rights oriented events, for example. I don't want to go around asking everyone for their relationship histories, but when you know people fairly well and their relationship history is nothing but straight for decades, it seems pretty dodgy. Likewise to me, foregrounding your identity as bisexual when bisexuality has had a minimal impact on your life seems dodgy.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

So would a lesbian who never dates or has sex claiming to be a lesbian, when it has had a minimal impact on her life, seems dodgy then?

Like, I get that if you want someone speaking on behalf of a group that you would want them to have lived the identity. But this comment has nothing about the woman speaking on behalf of a group.

[–]Anna_Nym 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It depends on the details. That's why I gave specific examples of the context where I find foregrounding an identity that one hasn't lived to be dodgy.

I also don't think bisexuality and lesbianism are identities that can be directly compared the way that you're trying to. I'm bi, and I fall into the category of women for whom my bisexuality has very minimal impact on my life. I'm not closeted about it, but it's an identity that I would have to actively perform for people to know because my relationship history is almost exclusively straight. I've never met a lesbian who could say the same about her life (although it's a wide world, so I'm sure some exist).

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That is where we differ. If you are a closeted gay man but in a heterosexual marriage due to your religion, then you are still a gay man. Sexual orientation is defined by the sex(es) you are attracted to. If you have same sex attraction, then you are not straight. That's the definition. There is no hidden clause that you have to live the experience nor a requirement to perform it, no one is required to perform their sexuality.

Your view dismisses compulsory heterosexuality, cases where a woman might not feel safe acting upon her sexuality (i.e. a lesbian in a space where being a homosexual could get her killed), preferences (where she's sexually attracted to both but has a strict preference), "discovering" one's sexuality later in life (typically after already in a committed relationship/marriage), etc.