Being desired, occupying the space of a well-liked, feminine, straight woman. School bullying lefts its teeh marks on me so I spiraled into a maladaptive daydreaming hell. I could be pretty, gregarious and never awkward/weird in my dreams. The people (men) who rejected me now had no choice but to accept me. In a dream.
I like attractive men, I made up attractive men in my head to fantasize with but I rarely like the ones I meet on the street. We never click despite my belief a relationship with a man was essential to my well-being. I have always been single, so the need used to be intense. I never tried to make myself likeable...I only daydreamed about being likeable. I find it hard to express myself in english. I don't know how to translate depth, lmfao. Fuck, whatever is that I wanted out of the elusive Woman Role is withering away. Those things protracted themselves for too long; I'm getting out of it.