Bi-cycling/Fluctuating

submitted by PenseePansy from (self.Bisexuals)

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[–]MarkJefferson 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

Do you have any experience with this phenomenon? How does it work for you? Do you see any patterns?

Yes, and especially in the last 2 months. I've been feeling one bumping up a LOT and grabbing so much more of my attention and waking thoughts and the other becoming significantly depressed to the point of me almost becoming apathetic. It could just be relative to one another, but it doesn't feel like either was static during this period. This is not at all common for me, as for most of my life, they are on average usually in equilibrium, maybe some short term jostling but with the exception of my pre and early teens, neither attraction would exceed the other significantly for such a span of time.

Idk, I have going through something a bit unprecedented as of late so maybe it's related to or stemming by that. Or perhaps it's the other way around and the cycling is the true cause of the upheaval here. Chicken-egg. Or it could all be in my head, too, and I actually never changed...

How do you feel about it, and does it pose any challenges, especially in a monogamous relationship? Do you think that it's something most monosexuals can understand, and not be disapproving of and/or threatened by?

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. I'm not in a relationship, but I think this sort of long-term fluctuation in particular could conceivably cause some issues with monogamous relationships in a similar way that a lengthy loss of romantic attraction/libido could cause a problem for a monosexual in their relationship. I don't think it's something that's thoroughly unique to bisexuals. Of course, the elephant in the room is that Bisexuals can have some competition for their affection from one sex that the other sex wouldn't necessarily be able to adequately satisfy. And this possibility can be unsettling for Monosexuals(and even other Bisexuals). For this reason, Bisexuals tend to downplay the significance or existence of these fluctuations in order to reassure a potential or current partner, but I think doing so is to deny a fundamental aspect of themselves. I do think monosexuals can learn to understand this. But they will probably need to know the Bi individual well enough, because I think this cycling works somewhat differently for everyone. And apparently there are also some characteristic differences between the sexes when it comes to these cycles as well.

Is this what you call it, or do you prefer another name?

It'll have to do for now until someone comes up with a better pun.

[–]PenseePansy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thanks for taking the time to give such a thoughtful and detailed response!

First, hope that this sense of upheaval (whatever its source) is something that you can at least ride out, and perhaps even learn/benefit from. I've been experiencing something similar recently-- in my case it's more like belated emotional growth-- and can attest that just because there's a silver lining does NOT make the process easy, or painless. And of course it can be less a matter of change/growth than just... shit you hafta go through sometimes. I certainly sympathize in either case.

Sounds like my post could hardly have been timed better from your perspective, huh? Me: "do you experience "bi-cycling"/fluctuation?" You: "AND HOW!!!" To say the least! Interesting that this is an entirely new phenomenon for you. And also associated (whether coincidentally/causally or not) with upheaval in your life. Wonder if this might even be something of a pattern among bisexuals? Amazing how little seems to be known about us, isn't it? I really feel as though study of the LG has reached grad-school level while we're still struggling to put together Bi 101. Especially when it comes to bi-specific stuff like this.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. I'm not in a relationship, but I think this sort of long-term fluctuation in particular could conceivably cause some issues with monogamous relationships in a similar way that a lengthy loss of romantic attraction/libido could cause a problem for a monosexual in their relationship. I don't think it's something that's thoroughly unique to bisexuals. Of course, the elephant in the room is that Bisexuals can have some competition for their affection from one sex that the other sex wouldn't necessarily be able to adequately satisfy.

Yes; I also find myself wondering how many forms this could take, in a monogamous relationship-- desire for what's unique to the sex that you're not with. Strictly physical? Is it sometimes just a matter of wanting those other secondary/primary sex characteristics? Can it be about how male and female acculturation tend to produce rather different personalities? And/or simply that our attraction to each sex is itself very different-- in what we find appealing, the "rules" governing it, even how it FEELS to us-- so they're essentially apples & oranges: inherently not comparable?

This last also suggests a built-in problem with monogamy even for those of us who don't experience "bi-cycling"/fluctuation: we could be thoroughly satisfied with our partner as far as THAT sex goes... and also find that this doesn't dampen our desire for the OTHER sex one bit. Cuz of the "apples and oranges" factor. In fact, where the sex-we're-not-with is concerned, we could feel as though we're effectively single... even LONELY! How's THAT for making bisexuals look like the mates-from-hell?

Could the upshot of all this be that the whole "poly" thing (eyeroll-worthy as it so often is) means something different for bisexuals than monosexuals? At least those of us who experience such a strong pull towards "both", either periodically or constantly? Because while we're certainly not ALL that way... this really is one natural outcome of being "dual-attracted", isn't it? That some of us would experience our bisexuality like this seems inevitable.

Is this what you call it, or do you prefer another name?

It'll have to do for now until someone comes up with a better pun.

:) "Cyclilust", maybe? (I'll show myself out...)

[–]MarkJefferson 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to give such a thoughtful and detailed response!

Yeah, no problem. Thanks for introducing topics into the Bi sub.

First, hope that this sense of upheaval (whatever its source) is something that you can at least ride out, and perhaps even learn/benefit from. I've been experiencing something similar recently-- in my case it's more like belated emotional growth-- and can attest that just because there's a silver lining does NOT make the process easy, or painless. And of course it can be less a matter of change/growth than just... shit you hafta go through sometimes. I certainly sympathize in either case.

Lol- Some of this hits too close to home. I've been avoiding(something I'm very good at) my own emotional growth for too long. Something(or series of somethings) happened years ago which stalled it out. If it can give an analogy, it's like I was about to walk into a chamber full of hoarded treasure. I was relatively optimistic, and emotionally unburdened at that point. Perhaps naïve. Suddenly, a Dragon bursts in and inundates the whole chamber with fire. Objects inside burn and char. I duck to the side as the flames blast through the doorway. I'm safe here, but the impression of that scene is seared into my memory. For the longest time, I couldn't even bring myself to look through that doorway. Now, I am finally peering into that chamber, and sizing things up. The Dragon- is still there, and fairly settled in; Maybe even complacent. And I finally get a good look at the treasure. It's mostly undamaged, and incredible. It's all the things I most want in life; Just sitting there, this whole time.

But I digress. Life was so simple when I would distract myself from this truth in the form of comfortable and unthreatening pastimes...

Sounds like my post could hardly have been timed better from your perspective, huh? Me: "do you experience "bi-cycling"/fluctuation?" You: "AND HOW!!!" To say the least! Interesting that this is an entirely new phenomenon for you. And also associated (whether coincidentally/causally or not) with upheaval in your life. Wonder if this might even be something of a pattern among bisexuals?

Yeah, it might be. I guess I'll be doing some reading to see if anyone has wrote about this before.

Amazing how little seems to be known about us, isn't it? I really feel as though study of the LG has reached grad-school level while we're still struggling to put together Bi 101. Especially when it comes to bi-specific stuff like this.

It's still in Grade school. Most people don't understand where Bisexual fluctuations fit in, even bisexuals. Admittedly, I've only relatively recently begun properly reading up on the minority sexualities myself. And it almost seems like the more robust research or insight was made in the past. I'm somewhat wary of more recent research becoming adulterated with what can be called, statistical inundation from superficial Heterosexual interest. A good example is the surges of Bisexual-Identifying people in the younger generations. Is it really because they are a lot less afraid/more open to coming out now? Or they just like the idea of being unique from their peers and coming out is one simple way of setting themselves apart from them? Nevertheless, I feel like this ambiguity was a lot less of a possibility in the past.

The definition of Bisexuality was a lot clearer in the past as well. Now, when I read some of the definitions, I feel sorry for those just beginning to discover their sexuality. Attraction to more than one gender? 2 or more genders? All/any genders? I'm so glad I wasn't faced with all these 'non-binary' definitions when I was younger. It took merely a month in Autumn from first seeing the label to using it on myself. A decade of sexual confusion ended in a month. It would've instead taken a lot longer for me nowadays.

Yes; I also find myself wondering how many forms this could take, in a monogamous relationship-- desire for what's unique to the sex that you're not with. Strictly physical? Is it sometimes just a matter of wanting those other secondary/primary sex characteristics? Can it be about how male and female acculturation tend to produce rather different personalities? And/or simply that our attraction to each sex is itself very different-- in what we find appealing, the "rules" governing it, even how it FEELS to us-- so they're essentially apples & oranges: inherently not comparable?

I think they are completely different in some fundamental ways. It's not just a matter of same-sex or opposite-sex attraction. It's a matter of attraction to Males or Females, and one can't substitute for the other. This is why I think researchers should always denote the sexes in the studies they do, instead of just labeling the data from a "Bisexual", "Homosexual". Yeah, saying "Lesbians", and "Gay males" is better, but Bisexuals are frequently taken as all one group for some reason. We're not some unisex amalgamation lol

This last also suggests a built-in problem with monogamy even for those of us who don't experience "bi-cycling"/fluctuation: we could be thoroughly satisfied with our partner as far as THAT sex goes... and also find that this doesn't dampen our desire for the OTHER sex one bit. Cuz of the "apples and oranges" factor. In fact, where the sex-we're-not-with is concerned, we could feel as though we're effectively single... even LONELY! How's THAT for making bisexuals look like the mates-from-hell?

I feel like this could be a bad look for Bi PR. Maybe put this on the docket as a discussion at the next secret Bi-Global Syndicate meeting.

Could the upshot of all this be that the whole "poly" thing (eyeroll-worthy as it so often is) means something different for bisexuals than monosexuals? At least those of us who experience such a strong pull towards "both", either periodically or constantly? Because while we're certainly not ALL that way... this really is one natural outcome of being "dual-attracted", isn't it? That some of us would experience our bisexuality like this seems inevitable.

There are people like this, but they may be the type who would be "poly" whether or not they were born bisexual or monosexual. Either way, it does seem like Bi's could be more susceptible to this possibility for the reason you described.

:) "Cyclilust", maybe? (I'll show myself out...)

LOL

P.S. Don't need to respond to this; It's kinda late and a tad too long and rambling anyway.