Yeah those words suck, honestly.

You affect things, and those changes have effects.

But you can also "effect change" and you can collect your "affects". But those are much less commonly used and only used in certain contexts. I only hear effect used as a verb when followed by the word "change", usually during a speech. And I only hear "affects" used to mean "personal items" as a noun when in a business context, or from an estate. And the emphasis is on the first syllable on both these rare versions, but on the last syllable in the more common versions.

So one could make a statement to have all 4, like this:

"You've affected too many things and created a lot of effects. So I'm going to effect some change around here and fire you. Please collect your personal affects from the office on your way out."

English is a bitch. I'm so glad I don't have to learn it as a second language or I'd be screwed.